Nick Swardson - Ninjas

Season 1 , Ep 101 10/11/09 Views: 40,593

When Nick Swardson attends his high school reunion, he plans to show off his professional ninja skills. (2:56)

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IT'S WEIRD BEING A COMEDIAN.

LIKE, IT'S A WEIRD...JOB TO HAVE.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT, LIKE, WHATI WANTED TO BE WHEN I WAS A KID.

'CAUSE I NEVER WANTED TO BE--DO STAND UP.

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

WHAT I DID WANT TO BEWHEN I WAS A KID--

I REMEMBER.I WANTED TO BE A NINJA.

[cheers and applause]

COME ON, NOW.RIGHT?

THAT WAS THE FIRST THINGI REMEMBER BEING LIKE,

[high-pitched voice]"I'M GONNA DO THIS."

[normal voice] AND YOU'RE, LIKE,SO PASSIONATE WHEN YOU'RE A KID.

[high-pitched voice]I'M GONNA DO IT.

[normal voice] DUDE, I WANTTO BE A NINJA SO BAD.

WOULDN'T THAT BE A COOL WORLD,

IF WE ALL BECAMETHE VERY FIRST THING--

THE VERY FIRST THINGYOU COMMIT TO, THAT'S IT.

YOU HAVE TO BE THAT.YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

IT'D BE FUCKIN' CRAZY.

THERE'D JUST BE NINJASRUNNING AROUND,

PRINCESSES.

[chuckles] QUARTERBACKSTHROWING BALLS TO PIRATES.

RRARR!

IT'D JUST BE CRAZY.

BUT I WAS, LIKE, SO COMMITTED TOBEING A NINJA WHEN I WAS A KID.

AND YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

REMEMBER THAT, WHEN YOU WERE AKID, YOU PUT ON YOUR SWEATPANTS.

[laughter]

MAKE LITTLE WEAPONSAROUND THE HOUSE.

DIDN'T EVEN KNOW KARATE,JUST FUCKIN'...

[laughter]

JUST FIGHT THE CAT.

[imitating cat screeching]

BUT, LIKE, YOU GROW UP,AND YOU GROW OUT OF IT.

AND, LIKE, WHEN THE ADULTS--

LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE A KID,ALL THE ADULTS LIE TO YOU.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE,"WHEN YOU GET OLDER,

"YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

"WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE,

"GO BE IT...

YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE."

NO, BUT YOU CAN'T.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T BE A NINJA,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN'T.GO TRY IT.

BE A NINJA, ALL RIGHT?QUIT YOUR JOB.

MONDAY GETA BLACK SUIT, A MASK, SWORD.

JUST WALK AROUND DURING THE DAYJUST KICKING PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

WAAH-PSHH!

"AH, FUCK!WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

"I'M A NINJA.THAT'S MY JOB."

[laughter]

AND YOU JUST GO AND HIDEIN THE SHADOWS.

[cheers and applause]

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

BUT, UH, YEAH, LIKE,WHAT I WANT--

I WANT TO SHOW UPAT MY HIGH-SCHOOL REUNION

AS A NINJA, THOUGH,AND FREAK EVERYBODY OUT,

JUST THROW EVERYONE OFF.

YOU JUST SHOW UP.

GUYS ARE LIKE,"HEY, WHAT'S UP, NICK?

"IT'S ME, BOB.

"I'M A REAL-ESTATE AGENT NOW,AND JIM'S A LAWYER.

HE'S GOT HIS OWN FIRM.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"I'M A NINJA.

I LIVE IN THE SHADOWS."

THEY'RE LIKE,"OKAY, IS HE SERIOUS?"

[laughter]

AND THEN YOU CAN, LIKE,

GET BACK AT ALL THE GUYSWHO YOU HATED.

YOU KNOW, THEY'D BE LIKE, "HEY,HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN NICK?"

[blows]

"UGH."

BFFT!

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