Lewis Black - New York Senator

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 05/08/2000
  • Views: 10,010

Hillary Clinton makes Lewis Black feel guilty. (3:27)

"DON'T GO OUT, BECAUSETHERE'LL BE TERRORISTS."

THEY ALWAYS SAY THATTO NEW YORKERS.

"THERE ARE GOING TO BETERRORISTS COMING."

HOW STUPID DOES A TERRORIST HAVETO BE TO TERRORIZE NEW YORK?

IT'S REDUNDANT.

[laughter]

WHY TERRORIZE A CITYTHAT TERRORIZES ITSELF

BETTER THAN ANY CITYON THE PLANET?

OUR MAYORSCARES THE HELL OUT OF US.

I KNEW THAT I'D LIVEDIN NEW YORK TOO LONG

WHEN, A FEW YEARS AGO,

I WAS ON A SUBWAYGOING DOWNTOWN,

AND IT STOPPED AT 14th STREET,AT THE STATION,

AND THE DOORS OPENED,

AND THE CONDUCTOR ANNOUNCEDTHAT THERE WAS A BOMB ON BOARD

AND WE SHOULDEVACUATE IMMEDIATELY.

NOBODY MOVED.

[laughter]

WE JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER:

"DO YOU SEE A BOMB?"

"NO, I DON'T SEE A BOMB.THERE'S NO BOMB."

"I'VE ONLY GOT TWO STOPS.LET'S GO FOR IT."

[applause]

ONE OF THE THINGS--THE WORST THINGS--

ABOUT THE NEW MILLENNIUM IS,WE HAVE TO VOTE.

AND IF YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK,

YOU NOT ONLY HAVE TO VOTEFOR THE PRESIDENT,

BUT YOU HAVE TO VOTEFOR A SENATOR.

AND THOSE SENATORSWHO ARE RUNNING

ARE EITHER HILLARY CLINTONOR RUDY GIULIANI.

[applause and cheering]

WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO VOTE.

WE SHOULD NOT HAVETO VOTE FOR THE PRESIDENT,

BECAUSE VOTING FOR ONE OF THEMIS EXHAUSTING ENOUGH.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE TO ME.

HILLARY CLINTON?

HILLARY CLINTON IS RUNNING--I--HELLO?!

I'VE SEEN HER FOR EIGHT YEARS;ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

THAT MEANS HE'S GOING TO BEWANDERING AROUND TOO.

I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.

[laughter and applause]

AND THE THING IS, IS,WHENEVER I SEE HILLARY CLINTON,

I FEEL LIKEI HAVE TO VOTE FOR HER.

SHE MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY,

BECAUSE I FEELLIKE I SHOULD VOTE FOR HER

SO THAT SHE'LL FEEL BETTERABOUT HERSELF

BECAUSE SHE'S BEENIN SUCH A BAD MARRIAGE.

[chuckling]OH, YEAH.

AND RUDY GIULIANI--HELLO?!

HE JUST--AS THE YEARS HAVE PASSED,

HE JUST GETS CRAZIER ANDCRAZIER, NUTTIER, SCREWIER.

[cheering and applause]

IF WE HAVE TO VOTEFOR HILLARY OR RUDY,

IT'S MY FIRM BELIEFTHERE SHOULD BE

ANOTHER LEVER THERETHAT SAYS, "KILL ME NOW."

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