Nick DiPaolo - Food Poisoning Diet

  • Season 1 , Ep 11
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 3,874

To stay in shape, make sure to get food poisoning a few times a year. (2:01)

(Nick Dipaola)TRYIN' TOLOSE SOME WEIGHT...

AND MY BUDDY SAYSTO ME, "UHH, BESTWAY TO LOSE WEIGHT--

DON'T EAT AFTER7:00 O'CLOCK."

WELL, THAT'S GOOD IF YOUGO TO BED AFTER "JEOPARDY."

WHAT IF YOU KEEP THE HOURSOF A CRACK WHORE LIKE I DO?

BY MIDNIGHT, I'MEYEING MY CAT

WITH A BOTTLE OFA1 AND A STEAK KNIFE.

AND I'M--ISTHIS LOW CARB?

(cat screaming)

YOU WANNA KEEPYOUR WEIGHT DOWN?

DO WHAT I DO.

GET FOOD POISONINGTHREE TIMES A YEAR.

I GOT FOOD POISONINGA MONTH AGO.

STAY AWAY FROM THE TUNAFISH AT LAGUARDIA AIRPORT.

I ATE, LIKE, THREEOF THESE SANDWICHES,

THEN I REALIZED THEYMADE 'EM TO CELEBRATE

THE OPENING OFLAGUARDIA, 1946.

I'M LIKE, THESEARE DELICIOUS!

ABOUT TWO HOURSLATER I THOUGHT I WAS

MISCARRYINGSATAN'S CHILD.

I'M SWEATIN' LIKE ACATHOLIC PRIEST AT ALITTLE LEAGUE GAME.

I DON'T LIKE THROWING UP.

I THROW UP VIOLENTLY,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GRAB THE SIDEOF THE TOILET.

MY FEET COME OFF THEGROUND FIVE, SIX FEET.

AFTER TWO MINUTES, I'MDOING A PERFECT HEADSTAND.

I'VE GOT VEGETABLESFLYING OUT

OF MY (bleep)ING EYE SOCKETS.

I LOOK LIKE AN UPSIDEDOWN SALAD SHOOTER.

THE BEST THING ABOUTFOOD POISONING--

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'REIN SHAPE FOR THE NEXTTWO DAYS, RIGHT?

YOU'RE ALL DEHYDRATED.

HEY, I'M RIPPED, I'MCUT UP, YOU KNOW?

MY FRIEND'S LIKE...

NICK, YOU BEENGOIN' TO THE GYM?

NO, I BEEN GOIN' TOTERMINAL D, AT CONTINENTAL.

(Nick)I KNOW ANOBNOXIOUS BABY

WHO COULD USE A LITTLEFOOD POISONING.

BITE ME.THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

EVERYTHING GOESBACK TO EATING.

YOU SURE YOU KNOWWHICH SUBWAY GOESTO THE BRONX ZOO?

YEAH, IKNOW WHERE TO GO.

YOU TAKE THE NUMBERFIVE UPTOWN.

WE JUST GOTTA MAKESURE WE GET OFF BEFORE

WE RUN INTO AFARRAKHAN RALLY.

AND WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

YEAH, TAKE YOUR PICK.

I'D SAY IT'S EITHERTRUMP'S APPRENTICE

OR MARTHA STEWART.

♪♪

(Patrice)AAAAAH, BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S PAGANINI'SCAPRICE #24!

(Nick)WHAT THE HELL DO YOUKNOW ABOUT PAGANINI?

I ALWAYS LISTEN TONEO-ROMANTICISM,

WHENEVER I'MDOING A BONG HIT.

THIS IS OURTRAIN... C'MON.

HEY...

(Nick)DON'T FORGET TOTAKE CARE OF

ITZHAK PERLMAN OVER THERE.

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