Chris Hardwick - Quidditch Stats

Chris Hardwick: Mandroid Season 1, Ep 101 11/10/2012 Views: 7,963

When someone starts yapping about sports to Chris Hardwick, he responds with Quidditch stats. (1:46)

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and starts yappingsports stuff at me,

like, something that happenedin a recent game,

I just respond to them,but I talk about Quidditch.

That's what I do.I do.

That's how I respond,

'cause I don't knowwhat else to say.

If guy is like,"Hey, you see that McTavish,

"he had a sprained anklebut he still ran

"that last hundred yardsfor the touchdown

and took the Poniesto the Super Bowl,"

or whatever, I'm like,"Yeah, well, you know,

"Gryffindorkicked Slytherin's ass

"after Johnson got the quafflethrough the goal hoop

"and Potter caughtthe golden snitch with his mouth

'cause he got 99 problemsbut a snitch ain't one."

And then the guy's like,

"Quidditch isn't real,"and I'm like,

"And you're never gonna playin the NFL. Whee!"

I love Harry Potter.

I love fantasy and sci-fiand all that.

All of it.

My favorite show growing upwas Twilight Zone.

I love--Oh, my God, those, like--

Those Memorial Day Twilight Zone marathons,

like, I could not peel myselfaway from those.

I love that show so much.

Although I think the showcould have been called

Nice Try, Asshole.

Right?

'Cause every episodewas someone trying

to pull some selfish shiton society,

and then the harsh fist

of universal karmawould come crashing down

and teach him a lesson.

Like, every episode could endwith Rod Serling going,

"Archibald Beachcroft dreamedfor a world free of people,

"but in the endit was this very freedom

"that knitted his blanketof loneliness.

Nice try, asshole."