Charlie Viracola - Cell Phones

  • Season 7, Ep 14
  • 05/15/2003
  • Views: 1,681

Charlie takes advantage of his nighttime minutes. (3:08)

Charlie Viracola: NOBODY CAN

DRIVE ANY MORE.

I'LL TELL YOU MY NEW PET PEEVE

THAT I'M MAD ABOUT.

PEOPLE DRIVING AROUND,

TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONE.

OH, I HATE THAT.

DANGEROUS AND STUPID.

I'M BEHIND A GUY TODAY,

HE'S DRIVING ALONG, TALKING ON

HIS CELL PHONE.

HE'S UP ON THE CURB.

HE'S CUTTING ACROSS TRAFFIC.

HE'S CUTTING THROUGH LIGHTS

AND PARKING LOTS.

HE'S UP IN PEOPLE'S YARDS.

I GET UP NEXT TO THIS FOOL.

HE'S GOING LIKE THIS.

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?"

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERS)

DAMN CELL PHONES.

CELL PHONES DON'T EVEN WORK,

DO THEY?

UH-HUH.

THEY SHOULDA PERFECTED

THE TECHNOLOGY BEFORE THEY

RELEASED IT, HUH?

NOBODY'S CELL PHONE WORKS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.

I GOT A BAD CELL PHONE.

I GOT A BAD CALLING PLAN, TOO.

MY CALLING PLAN SUCKS,

8,000 NIGHTTIME MINUTES.

(LAUGHTER)

RIGHT.

THERE'S NOT EVEN 8,000 MINUTES

IN NIGHTTIME!

I TRICK 'EM.

DURING THE DAY, I HIDE IN A DARK

CLOSET AND MAKE ALL MY CALLS.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE)

I'M LIKE "YEAH, IT'S NIGHTTIME

IN HERE, HUH?"

WE DON'T NEED TO BE DRIVING

SO MUCH ANY WAY.

WE GOTTA CONSERVE GAS.

THEN WE WOULDN'T BE FIGHTING

PEOPLE FOR IT.

WE GOT TO CONSERVE, MAN.

ON PLANET CHARLIE, WE WILL

CONSERVE GAS BY TEACHING KIDS

TO SMOKE.

THAT WAY WE WON'T HAVE TO DRIVE

THEIR ASS TO SOCCER PRACTICE

SO MUCH.

(LAUGHTER)

PLANET CHARLIE WILL RUN ON

SEXUAL ENERGY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH.

WE'LL ALL HAVE LITTLE BELT

GENERATOR PACK THINGS, RIGHT?

AND WHEN WE'RE DOING IT,

IT'LL STORE UP FRICTION ENERGY.

SO IF YOU LADIES WANNA WATCH

THE FULL HOUR OF OPRAH IN

THE AFTERNOON, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

TO HUMP US ALL DAY LONG.

(APPLAUSE)

GOTTA SAVE, MAN.

WE DON'T NEED TO BE GIVING

THE ENERGY COMPANIES OUR MONEY,

ANYWAY.

BIG COMPANIES SUCK.

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

THEY'VE BEEN RIPPING US OFF

FOR YEARS, AND THEY'RE FINALLY

GETTING WHAT'S COMING TO THEM.

BIG ASS COMPANIES.

TIRED OF IT.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GET 'EM TO ANSWER

THE PHONE ANY MORE, CAN YOU?

CALL UP, HAVE TO LISTEN TO LIKE

30 MINUTES OF PRE-RECORDED

BULL (BLEEP).

PRESS ONE FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE.

PRESS TWO FOR SALES.

THAT PISSES ME OFF.

I'LL STAY ON THE PHONE ALL DAY

'TIL A HUMAN FINALLY ANSWERS.

AND THEN THEY GO, "YES, SIR?

MAY I HELP YOU?"

AND I GO, "YEAH.

PRESS ONE IF YOU WANT ME TO TELL

YOU TO KISS MY (BLEEP) ASS."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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