Mario Cantone - Ice Skating

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 07/16/1999
  • Views: 2,972

DO YOU KNOW...YOU'RE FROM BOSTON? LOVELY.

YOU KNOW WHO'S FROM STONEHAM?

NANCY KERRIGAN.

NANCY KERRIGAN.

YOU GOT TO SAY ITLIKE YOU'RE FROM BOSTON--

( high-pitched voice ):HI, NANCY! HI, NANCY!

YOU'RE SO TALENTED, NANCY!

GOD BLESS YOU, NANCY!

OH, NANCY KERRIGAN'S SO CUTE!

FIRST OF ALL... LET'S START

AT THE BEGINNING.

SHE LOST BECAUSE SHE WASN'TAS GOOD AS OKSANA BAIUL.

SHE ABSOLUTELY WASN'T.

OKSANA BAIUL WAS LIKETHIS LITTLE NYMPHETTE

LITTLE, THIN, LITTLE SWAN

FEATHER-TAIL, PRINCESS-LIKE,NYMPHY LITTLE FEATHER.

SHE WAS, LIKE, SO SHARP.

LIKE, WHAA! ZING!

WHAA! ZING!

SHE WAS SHARP AND ARTISTIC

AND KERRIGAN LOOKED LIKEA FRIGGING MACK TRUCKCOMING AT YOU.

SHE WAS, LIKE...

( engine noise )

OH, SHE'S GOTTHAT APE-LIKE MOUTH

AND THOSE LINCOLN TUNNEL TEETH.

OH, SHE'S HORRIFYING.

THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S GOOD.

AND, YOU KNOW,SHE WAS GOOD FOR A WHILE

'CAUSE THEY CRACKED HER LEGAND THEN SHE SHUT UP.

THEN SHE'S... REMEMBERAT DISNEYWORLD IN THE PARADE?

SHE'S ON THIS FLOATWITH THE MIC ON

AND SHE'S LIKE,"YOU SON OF A BITCH RAT BASTARD

GIVE ME MY STUPID $2 MILLION,YOU FRICKIN' MOUSE!"

OH, MY GOD.

AND THEN WHEN... OKAY.

HER TRUE OLYMPIC COLORS SHOW.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS.

THERE SHE WAS BACKSTAGE,IT WAS BEFORE THE MEDAL CEREMONY

AND THERE WAS A DELAY

BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T FINDTHE UKRAINIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM.

PROBABLY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T( bleep )ING EXIST.

THEY'RE LIKE,"A-E-O-- OKLAHOMA."

THEY COULDN'T FIND IT.

SO THERE'S KERRIGAN BACKSTAGEIN HER VERA WANG

AND SOMEONE SAYS TO HER,YOU KNOW, THE DELAY IS BECAUSE

OKSANA CRIED HER MAKEUP OFFAND SHE HAS TO REAPPLY IT

WHICH IS WRONG, AND ONNATIONAL TV, CARRIED LIVE, CBS

SHE'S LIKE...

"HER MAKEUP?

"GIVE ME A BREAK, I MEAN...

SHE'S JUST GOING TO CRY IT OFFAGAIN."

( imitating truck noises )

THEN THERE'S THE OTHER SIDEOF THAT STORY--

TONYA HARDING.

WHAT IS SHE DOING NOW?

SHE'S LIKE A COUNTRY AND WESTERNPORNO STAR.

AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS SICK,COMPULSIVELY COMPETITIVE

LITTLE THICK-THIGHED,TRUCK-DRIVING...

"THAT STUPID KERRIGAN!

"I'LL KICK HER ASS. I HATE HER!

"I'M BETTER THAN HER.

"WATCH ME DO MY TRIPLE LUTZ.

"WATCH ME ( bleep ).

"I HATE MY MOTHER.

"WATCH THIS, STUPID,BUCK-TOOTHED BOSTON BITCH...

"OH, MY GOD!

"I CAN DO IT, I SWEAR TO GOD,THAT STUPID BITCH!

"I HATE HER.

GET ME A PIPE!"

I WANTED HER TO FORGETTHE TRIPLE LUTZ

AND NIX THE BLUE EYE SHADOW

'CAUSE IT'S REFLECTING OFFTHE ICE AND BLINDING EVERYBODY.

SHE'S LIKE A PIRATE.SHE'S LIKE

"ARGH, YOU FLUBBING,BLOOMING, FAT BITCH..."

( blubbering )

THEN WHEN THAT SKATEEVER BROKE.

REMEMBER, THE SKATE BROKE?

OH... KARMA COMING BACK AT YOU.

KARMA.

BAD KARMA.

THERE SHE WAS IN HERCIRQUE DU SOLEIL CLOWN CLOTHING

WITH THE MAKEUP

WITH THE BLUE AND THE WHITEAND THE RED...

SHE LOOKED LIKE "WHORES ON ICE."

SHE WAS LIKETHE PROSTITUTE CAPADES.

OH, HER FACE LOOKED LIKETHE FLAG OF URANUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

AND THEN YOU COULDN'T HEARWHAT SHE WAS SAYING.

SHE LOOKED LIKE CHARLIE CHAPLIN,LIKE A CLOWN.

IT WAS LIKE A SILENT MOVIE

AND SHE GOES UP TO THEM,AND SHE'S LIKE...

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