Anthony Jeselnik - Father's Day

  • Season 13 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 33,259

Anthony got his dad a t-shirt that said "World's Greatest Dad...Semifinalist." (3:21)

ALL I WANTED IN THE WORLDWAS A TREE HOUSE.

AND I WOULD BEG AND CRYTO MY PARENTS EVERY DAY

JUST TO BUILD ME A TREE HOUSE.

BUT THEY ALWAYS SAID,"NO, ANTHONY.

WE GOT TO KEEP LIVINGIN THE VAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,I WAS PRETTY POOR,

NOT LIKE NOW,WHEN I'M ROLLING IN IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WHEN I WAS A KID,I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH, YOU KNOW?

BUT I KNEW FATHER'S DAYWAS COMING UP.

AND I WANTEDTO GET MY DAD SOMETHING

THAT I COULD NOT ONLY AFFORD

BUT THAT WOULD ALSO SHOWHOW MUCH I CARED.

SO WHAT I DIDWAS I GOT HIM A T-SHIRT.

IT SAID,"WORLD'S GREATEST DAD --

SEMIFINALIST."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY MOM USED TO PUT A NOTEIN MY LUNCHBOX EVERY MORNING,

AND SHE WOULD HIDE ITSO I COULDN'T FIND IT

UNTIL I GOT AT THE CAFETERIATHAT AFTERNOON WITH MY FRIENDS.

I COULDN'T APPRECIATE ITAT THE TIME, THOUGH,

BECAUSE EVERY NOTE SAID, "SORRYI DIDN'T PACK YOUR LUNCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY MOM WAS THE WORST

AT HAVING TO BREAK BAD NEWSTO HER CHILDREN.

I REMEMBER I CAME HOMEFROM SCHOOL ONE DAY.

SHE SAID, "ANTHONY, I DON'T KNOWHOW TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR,AND YOU CAN'T TELL DAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SAID, "WELL, WHY NOT?"

SHE SAID,"'CAUSE HE JUST PASSED AWAY."

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH. MM.

THAT JOKE USUALLY GETSA STANDING OVATION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY UNCLE FRITZ USEDTO BE A PARAPLEGIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THEN LAST MONTH,HE HAD A STROKE,

AND NOW WE DON'T KNOWWHAT TO CALL HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PRETTY SMART JOKE.

THIS IS A LITTLE SAD,YOU GUYS.

I GOT A PHONE CALLLATE LAST NIGHT

TELLING ME MY GRANDMA'SONLY GOT A DAY LEFT TO LIVE.

AND I DON'T WANT THISTO SOUND COLD,

BUT I AM NOT GONNA PAYTHE RANSOM.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T CLAPIF YOU KNEW MY GRANDMA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY SISTER WAS ARRESTED --LISTEN TO THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NINE MONTHS PREGNANT,

HOME ALONEWHEN SHE GOES INTO LABOR,

TRIES TO DRIVE HERSELFTO THE HOSPITAL.

GETS PULLED OVER AND GIVES BIRTHRIGHT THERE ON THE FREEWAY,

WHICH ISN'T ILLEGAL,

BUT SHE WAS WASTED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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