Zach Galifianakis - Hut of Pain

  • Season 5 , Ep 12
  • 09/16/2001
  • Views: 77,043

If you want to kill yourself, do something other than jumping off of a Pizza Hut. (2:52)

I NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE.I NEED TO CHANGE MY WAYS...

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

LAST YEAR MY NEW YEAR'SRESOLUTION WAS TO STOP SAYING,

"YOU GO GIRL" TO MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, I HAVE DREAMS, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, JUST LIKEEVERYONE IN THIS ROOM...

HOPES, ANTICIPATIONS FOR THE WAYI WANT MY LIFE...

LET ME SHARE THEM WITH YOU...

MY DREAM OF OWNING OR HAVING A3-BOY COUNTRY TRIO CALLED THE

"CHIXIE DICKS".

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I ALSO DREAM THAT THE SPANISH

CHANNEL WILL HAVE ENGLISHSUBTITLES.

SO I CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHATI'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT THIS WHOLE

TIME.

(LAUGHTER)I ALSO WISH TO MOVE FAR,

FAR AWAY.

SOMEWHERE IN...

MONTANA.

AND OPEN A GIANT, ETHNICHAIR-CARE SUPERSTORE.

(LAUGHTER)AND LASTLY, ANOTHER DREAM OF

MINE IS TO MOVE TO PAKISTANOR INDIA...

AND BECOME A CAB DRIVER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO

PERFORM TONIGHT AND I'LL TELLYOU WHY.

FOUR YEARS AGO TO THIS VERYDATE, I DECIDED TO, UH,

TAKE MY OWN LIFE.

AND I SAID, ZACH, DO IT FOR YOURCO-WORKERS AND YOUR MANAGER AT

WORK, END THE MISERY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOUHAVE TRIED TO JUMP OFF A PIZZA

HUT...

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOU REALLY JUST GET A

SPRAINED ANKLE OUT OF THE DEAL.

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACKINSIDE AND SERVE "CRAZY BREAD".

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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