Uncensored - Hannibal Buress - Different Vices

Hannibal Buress: Live From Chicago Season 1, Ep 1 03/29/2014 Views: 34,273

Alcohol is Hannibal Buress's drug of choice; he doesn't like how he acts on other substances. (2:29)

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Yeah, I drink.

That's my vice of choice,is drinking.

I smoke weed occasionally,but this is what happens.

When I drink,I'm able to be in the moment.

When I smoke weed,I overanalyze the moment,

which is not goodto do during sex,

'cause if I'm drunkand having sex, I'm thinking,

"Yeah, this is cool,"but if I'm high during sex,

I'm thinking, "Yo, why is sheletting me do this to her?"

"What was her childhood like?

"What's her relationshipwith her father?

Does she let everybodysmash this fast?"

I started doing weird stuffduring high sex,

like counting my strokes.

"And a one-a, a two-a."

That's not a good mind stateto be in.

I tried cocaine in college.It was too intense.

I went to this party coked up.

Soon as we got there,this girl threw a beer

in my friend's face.I freaked out.

"Fucking slap that bitch, man!

She threw a beer on you!Now you slap her!"

He said, "Hannibal, relax.If I slap her,

those five dudes over thereare gonna kick my ass."

"Yo, you just slap her.

I'll worry about the rest."

And I never want to feellike that again.

There's no reason for me to betelling a dude to slap a woman

and I could beat upfive people.

That's nota necessary sensation.

I don't need itin my life at all.

There's no place for it.

But I would be lyingif I told you that cocaine

never brought any beautifulmoments into my life.

When I was in Minneapolis, I hada threesome with these girls

that were on cocaine,

and I didn't think a threesomewas gonna happen,

'cause I thoughtthe fat one would leave, but...

when life gives you lemons,you throw lemons at people.


I didn't want her to leave'cause she was fat.

I don't discriminate.

She just didn't seem that intothe whole situation at first,

but once the cocainegot into her,

turns outshe was pretty cool.

I didn't do any cocaine with her

'cause sometimesit can soften up your dick,

and the last thingI need in my hotel room

is two angry, coked-out,horny girls screaming at me,

"Hannibal, what's wrongwith it?"

"I don't know.

"Can everybody just be quietfor a little bit, please?

"Everybody just quiet down.

"There's some drinksin the other room.

"Y'all go chill over therefor a little bit.

I'll be in there in a minute."

And we had a good old-fashionedMidwestern night.

They welcomed me to their cityin a wonderful way.

I wake up, the hotel roomwas kind of trashed, so I leave

a nice tip for housekeeping.

I go off to do moreon the radio.

Come back, the roomwas cleaned perfectly.

They cleanedall the kitchen counter,

except they lefta small bump of cocaine.

I say that's an extremelyprofessional hotel housekeeper

right there.

They love people,and that's the type

of attention to detailthat gets you

a five-star Yelp reviewright there.

I'll be backto that Residence Inn, Marriott.

Three-star hotel,five-star service.

That's what really matters.