Theo Von - Billionaire Dreams

Theo Von Season 1, Ep 7 06/01/2012 Views: 7,693

Theo Von points out that Tiger Woods is not taking full advantage of his fame and fortune. (3:18)

Tiger Woods... 'cause he'san example of all of us.

He's black, white, Asian...

uh... Islander, whatever,

all wrapped upinto one cat named man, okay?

And he could have anythinghe wants in the world.

He had all the money, you know?

He could buy all of us.

Yeah, he could. This is America.He could buy us.

'Cause sometimes you thinkif you had all the money,

everything will be perfect,you know?

All the kids are goingto have nice teeth or braces.

Everyone's going to havenice hair or a wig.

Everyone's goingto be eating ham.

And when there's no more ham,guess what, ba-bow, extra ham.


But he had all the money.

He could have anything he wants,

and he's banging chicks... What?

(bleep), you are banging chicks?

Like, I make $52,000 a year.I'm banging chicks, okay?

That's the tax bracket I'm in.

But whenI'm a billionaire, dude,

all I'm (bleep)is endangered species.

I be (bleep) the last white owl.

Whoo, whoo, whoo...

Whoo... This owl soundslike a train.


When I'm a billionaire, I'mfinding other ways to get off.

I'm going to hirea bunch of Mexicans

to come to my house every day,bury all my money in my yard

then dress uplike pirates and dig it up.

Every day.

I'm going to fly up to spacethat night in a special shuttle,

jerk off, and justcome back to the house.

They gonna call methe Space Jerker.

This dude's banging chicks.

When I have my money,I'm going to hire somebody

to give a (bleep).Wouldn't that be nice?

Wouldn't it be nice?You hire just some random dude

off the streetto give a (bleep) for you.

That's his job.

So your wife comes home,she's all pissed.

She's like,"Oh, you're just going

"to spend all our moneyat the casino

and then park your truckin my flower bed?"

I'd be like,"You need to talk to Todd.

I will leave you two alone."

I'm not even going to wear

a bathing suitwhen I have my money.

I'm just going to hiresome random dude

to walk in front of my dicklike this on the beach.

People would be like,"Who is that?"

I'm like, "That's Gary.That's my new suit."

I'd be like,"Tuck your thumb in, Gary."

I don't want that crazy tan linethat look like my penis

has been hitchhikingfor vaginas.

This time I'm goingto wake up every day

when I got all my money, okay?

I'm going to havea bunch of little Asian babies

come in my room, okay?

Because that's the softest babythat the Lord makes, okay?

And they come in and I got theirfeet padded so they extra quiet.

And they've been caged up

so they feel vealy,they real real soft.

And they come in

and look--one of them has a drum.

But I didn't buy him any sticks,

so he just has to carryhis drum.

He's the angry one.

And they come in, and look,this is how they wake me up:

the (bleep) softest wayto wake up in the world,

they sprinkle cinnamon on me.

That's gangsta, son.

When you go to bed at nightand set your alarm clock

to cinnamon Asians...

...then you (bleep) up and setit to brothers with nutmeg.

They show up an hour latewith no nutmeg.