- He was on his kneesin the alley in the back,
and they were standing therelike, "Cut his ear off!
Cut his ear off,Dashonthany!"
And he goes, "Yeah, man, Ididn't want to do it,
"but, you know, theywere all yelling, so...
I was just like, 'Fuck it, man''I cut his ear off."
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to"This is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
And today,the topic is "crime."
[cheers and applause]
You might know him fromhis popular podcast
on Sirius and iTunescalled "Race Wars."
Please give it up forMr. Kurt Metzger, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
- I relate to Ari becausehe was gonna be a rabbi,
and I was a--I actually was a minister.
I was a Jehovah's Witness.
And, uh, I was born into it.
Is anybody raisedreligious in here?
This is two differentstories, by the way,
that connectin a very weird way.
You were?What were you?
- Oh, that's the naturalvampires versus werewolves
of Jehovah's Witnesses.
Oh, they don't like us.
You know why?I used to live down south.
They didn't like me becauseI didn't believe in hell.
Like, why would you getmad at me for that?
Well, people hear itand they're like,
"Oh, you can'tdo your birthdays?"
And, uh...I don't know, Prince?
Those are the two things...
It's not well-known.
It's just a regulardoomsday cult.
It's no bid deal.Um...
But I'm not bitter against it,and I, you know--
I kind ofappreciate it, you know,
because it really taughtme how to lie, you know?
If you're raised religious,that's what it really gives you:
the life skill of, like,who to lie to and when and why.
Like, you...you can't get that
from a secular education.
You need, like,higher stakes, you know?
To really act like your lifedepends on it, you know?
'Cause your immortalityfucking depends on it, so...
that's when you really learn.
It's a valuableskill to have.
I'm sure you got itin spades, right?
You were like--were you one of them, like,
[babbling] those guys?
So that's the--you see how you learn?
At first you tell yourself thatthis is "God's language."
That--you tell yourself that,and that's reality.
So other lies comeeasy once you know
how to do thatmagic, right?
And you get, like,a secret life.
And, you know, whenreligious people go bad,
everyone jumps on them,'cause you think you're not
supposed to sin, but they'rereally just doing shit
everybody does, it's justthey built it up so much,
that they're notthat kind of person.
So that's why it's sodevastating.
You're in your head,you're like, "I'm not a guy
that does things like this."
So when I grew up outof the church I was in,
I realized everybody wasdoing, like, soap opera, epic...
just fucking--all kinds of crazy shit
that I had noidea as a kid--
like, I'm the sucker thatfollowed it, I felt like.
'Cause I really did, you know?
Like, I was raised--
I was told never tomasturbate, ever.
Like, that religious.
Like, an adult said,"You should never...never--
if all goes perfectly, youwill have never masturbated."
An adult with a straightface said that to me.
And, uh--yeah, you know whathappened, by the way,
to a grown man?
Just medically,if he never masturbated?
It's never beenattempted by anyone,
but I'm supposed to bethe first man in history
to not jerk my dick off.
Like, "Kurt, we think youcould be the chosen one, so...
We've all--we've all failed."
Yeah, but it's thatkind of stuff, right?
And, uh, so,but ours was a espe--
like, what's especiallyhard about Jehovah's Witnesses
was, uh--or why people mightthink it's cult-y is,
you have to do it, okay?
That's what made the hardestpart about the religion.
It's not like--like, Catholics, I always envy.
'Cause that's, like, so great.
You just get to be Catholic.You don't have to do nothing.
Right?What're you gonna do?
You watch, like,mafia movies.
You never see themtake the guy...
"Hey, uh, Mr. Soprano, don'tcome to this church no more
because you're a murderer."
You don't--they don't say that.It's cool.
We had to do ours, or you getdisfellowshipped, right?
Which is, like, cast out.
And all your friends arein the congregation.
They set it--It's set up that way.
Your real friends are in your--are Jehovah's Witnesses.
The rest of you arenice, like we could
be acquaintances, but...
you know, God'sgonna exterminate you
off this earth, so...
Don't get too attached.
You seem like nicepeople, but you know.
We didn't have hell, though.
But it was still all--everything on you.
So people would havesecret lives, right?
So this is the first--this isabout a sex crime, this story.
When I was eight, my brother wasborn and my mom's best friend
in the church,her son babysat me.
He was 13, okay?We'll call him "Josh."
And, uh, he was like--he was like an adult to me,
'cause I was eight, you know?This 13-year-old.
When I think back on that,it's funny,
'cause he waslike really skinny.
It's the '80s, so he's gotlike a Luke Skywalker
butt cut kind of hair.Right?
And he's--Jeffrey Dahmer glassesthat everybody had.
And, uh, real skinny, but likereally high shorts, okay?
And, uh, so he--I was justalone with him the whole day.
And, uh, he didn't molest me orsomething, we just had to watch
"The Honeymooners,"which I didn't care for.
'Cause I was eight.That's not the sex crime.
That--it went fine.We just spent the day together.
He was a nice church boy.It wasn't anything.
Um...so, but a few years later,when he got to high school,
he started workingout a lot, this guy.
And, uh, but just his top.
He was one of thosedudes, right?
And it was before people reallystarted calling you on that,
so he really...
Yeah, I mean, he did ster--I don't know if he just
shot the steroids on thetop part like that.
I don't know what he did.
But he...just gigantic--
but the same legs I rememberfrom 13 and the same hair,
but it was just smalleron his big steroid head now.
But he was a hulking man now.
He was, like, 17.
And, uh...yeah,everybody was like,
"Jesus, Josh is huge."
Like, real--it was very impressive, right?
And, uh, then,even more impressive,
he ended up banginghis geometry teacher.
His geometry teacher, uh...I guess statutory raped him.
And they didn't reallycharge you back then.
They just handledit at the school.
She got fired, and uh...
She got divorced, and then,uh, it was a big scandal.
'Cause I heard about it throughthe Jehovah Witness grapevine.
Right?That was the--the gossip.
And, uh--so the developmentswere amazing when they come in.
But then the most amazingdevelopment was
she decided she wantedto study the Bible
with Jehovah's Witnesses.
So, they have to let you.
So guess what?
She started comingto the church, and uh--
you know, Josh's momwasn't too thrilled,
but what's she gonna do?
She can't saynothing about it.
And, uh,then they got married.
She studied--this wasover a four year period.
She became a Jehovah's Witnessand they married
and became a niceChristian couple.
She was real hot, too.
She was like a real--before eventhe word "MILF" was a thing,
like she was thatand she was, like...
Like, it was the sistersof the congregation that were,
like, giving herthe side-eye.
The brothers, like,"That kid's awesome."
Like, first of all,he's got a great upper body.
Start with that.
Had the same haircutfor over eight years.
You know, it wasn'tas much of a thing for--
I remember my dad, like...
And, uh, yeah.So that's the end of that.
That sex crime just ended witha nice church couple, basically.
A little May-December romance.
Uh, and then--so then,this is the second story,
which, for some reasonthat I don't understand,
relates to that storyand it shouldn't.
But, uh, when I got--I was,like, 19, and I got out
of high school and I wanted to--I didn't go to college,
I wanted to, like, havea job for some reason first.
And, uh, I worked at the thisplace called Funcoland.
Which is a...they sell videogames.
It's called GameSpot now.
I don't know why I looked atyou like you would know, dude.
This backyard wrestlerunderstands what I'm saying.
It's a video game store.[laughter]
And, uh, I got hired asassistant manager right away
by this guy, uh, Ricardo,let's call him.
He was this Puerto Rican guywho was 30 when I was 19.
And he was, uh--he was also a Jehovah's Witness
from the Spanishcongregation, okay?
And, uh, but he just, like--we just got along.
So he hired me asassistant manager.
And I was kind ofa jerk off, you know?
But uh, he had a violent temper,and would yell at me
until I did the job good.
and he was, like,really light-skinned,
blue-eyed Puerto Rican guyfrom the islands,
so he looked downon anybody from here.
I don't know if you knowthe politics of that.
Of, like, Puerto Ricansversus other Puerto Rican
kind of people,but it's intense.
but he would, like, call me"white boy" a lot,
but he was like very white,you know?
and we would play fightinggames and he would
break his controllers 'cause hethought I was being too cheap.
He goes,"You cheap me out, man!
Why don't you be a man?"
And he'd break his controller.[laughs]
He broke, like, threecontrollers.
Talking like Mandy Patinkin from"The Princess Bride" to me.
"You killed my father!"
But he did really man me up.I got to give it to him.
And I--he ended up gettingfired for something,
but I became the managerand he had trained me.
So now, I'm like 20, and I'mthe manager of Funcoland.
And, uh, I live at my parent'sand I make $24,000 a year,
so that's pretty awesome,you know?
And, uh, I had to hire anassistant manager.
And, uh, the guythat I hired--
uh, I interviewed awhole bunch of people,
and, you know, retail--with a job like that,
you just want to findsomeone you can
hang out with, right?
That's really your main--
They won't stealtoo much and--you know?
That's all you're looking for,'cause it's a nightmare.
You know how retail is?
Like, that just--that, you know,you have that store greeting.
"Great day at Funcoland!"You have to say that.
Like, they thinkpeople want that.
And then they have snitchesthat call to make sure
you're telling peopleyou're having
a great fuckingday at Funco.
"I'm having a great day!"
"Yes, great leader!"
So, but because I wasreligious, I was good at
that kind of sh--that stuff, you know?
Little stupid rules for noreason that you have to follow.
And I had trainingfrom the Bible.
So I hired this guy,he was from Philly.
This black guy from Philly.
And, uh, he wasolder than me, too,
and he was like--he was just the first guy
that I just, like, got alongwith really well, okay?
And he was, like,pretty 'hood.
and, you know, now I livein a straight-up ghetto,
so it's not new to me now,but if you're from the suburbs,
and have no--you know,you have maybe black friends
if you're white,but they're not, like,
what you imagine from TV,right?
This is, like--this is theTV coming to work for me.
You know? It's not all, like,guys with the sideways gun,
there's levels of it.
There's, like--there's hustler guys and like...
there's white-collarof that shit.
So he was that.He was a smarter dude.
yeah, he had been a--like, an enforcer
for this crackdealer in Philly.
Like, he had to go--he told me he had to,
like, get people.
Yeah, and I think it's thischick that I saw on "Gangland."
I just put ittogether recently.
Called the "Queen Pin," 'causeI'm like, it's a female,
it's--the timeline works.I think that's who it was.
Now looking back.Um...
Yeah, so like, if you owedlike a small amount of money,
he would come just mess you up.and, uh--'cause you have to.
That's how that economy--you can't let that go.
You know?You'll be dead.
You have to send this--
send, uh,let's call him Dashonthany.
You have to send Dashonthany.
Let's just mix all the namestogether: Dashonthany.
But he had been aviolin prodigy, okay?
And I swear to God,this is the story.
He was a violin prodigy thattested out of dum-dum school
that he was in, and they puthim in a arts high school,
'cause he was like somekind of mega IQ guy
and he just hung outwith bad people
and just droppedout of that school
and became acrack enforcer.
And, uh, he told me he had--the reason he moved was
he was going after thisone guy who was real big,
and he got kind of close to theguy, and the guy just hit him
without warning, and, like,cracked his rib or something.
And he said, like,he felt like crying.
He's like, "Yeah actually, fuckit. I cried a little bit."
And then, uh--and then heran up and like kicked
this dude in the chestand the guy didn't get up.
So he moved to my townto work for me at Funcoland.
Yeah, that--all of this I learned
in the interview,by the way.
Did I mention that?
This was all told duringthe interview process.
I mean, it was riveting.
You know,he's like a Netflix series.
I was like,"You're hired right now."
So it was, like, awesometo hang out with this dude.
And, uh, he's into likemartial arts and stuff,
so he would, like--we would go to like flea markets
and buy, like...
It's like hanging out withWesley Snipes or something.
We would buy karate weapons.
Impractical karate weaponsthat you would never use.
And he would show me howto play with them and,
like, all kinds of stuffthat--I'm not supposed to do
none of this stuff,'cause I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
I can't play with violent...
I couldn't even haveguns on my "Star Wars" men.
My mom took the gunsoff my "Star Wars" men.
So I just had men.
Thanks for the men!
So finally someone'sgiving me some man time!
So he, uh--some, partway--he was a great employee.
He was like sell allthe commissionable stuff
really fastand the customers loved him
'cause he was a charming dude.He was great.
And, uh, he wasvery, like, supportive.
Like, he was alwaysbuilding up my self-esteem.
And, uh, later I worked inJersey City and these guys--
I ended up getting in a fightwith some people and I thought
they were gonna kill me'cause that's a bad area
and he drove upwith a gun to just watch me.
Like, he was down.He was a down dude.
So, he startedselling crack on the side
to supplementhis Funcoland income, okay?
It was Bricktown, New Jersey,so he was, like,
the only game in town.
And, uh, now he had an enforcerwho was called "Zumo," okay?
I hadn't--I'd never met him.
But just imagine hearingthat name, Zumo.
And he wouldcomplain about Zumo.
He was like,"Zumo smokes too much products
and he's too violent."Okay?
He almost beatthis guy to death.
Like, 'cause he wasn'tlike a gangster in his head.
He was like, "I'm in Bricktown,it's just a little side...
I just sell crackto friends, man."
He wasn't, like, you know,starting an empire.
And meanwhile,Zumo is like some maniac,
but you always havea new, terrible--
and this guy, Dashonthany,had done some shit himself.
Like, he told me he cuta guy's ear off once.
Somebody had robbed him.
Like, he got mugged and didn'tknow he was connected to
this lady, so his boysfound the guy at a club
and called them over thereand he was on his knees
in the alley in the backand they're standing around
like, "Cut his ear off!"
"Cut his ear off,Dashonthany!"
And, uh, and he--we were putting games away
while he was telling me,and he goes--and he goes,
"Yeah, man, I didn't wantto do it, but, you know,
"they were all yelling, so...
I was just like, 'fuck it man,'I cut his ear off."
Right? I was putting away"Bubsy 2" for Sega Genesis.
On the wall--As I remember the happy char--
But it was just fascinatingand I, you know,
I'm a church kid,so that's amazing to me,
just anything like that.
So l loved hanging out with him,but I was always, like,
"What if, you know...Moses were alive and saw--"
Like, just some weird Bible-yshit they put in your head.
They told us to imagine Biblecharacters are watching you.
So I'm like,"What if Moses saw?"
But I'm not supposedto be hanging out
with this person, okay?
At all.Like, a friend like that, okay?
He's not one of usand he sells crack
and he has a Zumoworking for him.
I could get disfellowshippedif somebody found out.
That's where you're,like, out of the thing.
That's like a disconnectingor whatever, right?
And, uh, so I'm at his house,we're playing with
butterfly knivesthat we bought
and he's showing mehow to do all the cool--
I know how to do all them--I could do all of them
'cause he, this guy showed meand, uh, while I'm doing that,
I hear:bang bang bang bang bang!
On his door.Like a violent--
I felt like someonewas coming to get me
in troublefor not playing.
Like, it was a sucha nerve-racking sound.
And, uh, he goes,"Ah, man, Zumo's here."
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
Now I'm in too deep 'cause--
I'd like to just hang out withhim without ever--you know?
And, uh, so dooropens up and, uh...
It's fucking Josh,the guy that babysat me
and fucked his teacher.
Uh...in addition toalready an impressive resume--
By nights he controlsthe streets as Zumo.
[cheers and applause]
I, uh, couldn'tbelieve it.
We were both like,"Man, what're you doing here?"
Yeah, and then,uh, him and that--
that teacherended up getting divorced,
'cause he's a crackhead. That's the end of it.
All right, that's my story.Thanks.
[cheers and applause]