Joey Kola - North vs. South

  • Season 7, Ep 21
  • 07/10/2003
  • Views: 3,271

NO ONE'S GONNA LISTEN

TO A LITTLE CRAPPY COMEDIAN.

I GOT ALL THE ANSWERS

TO EVERYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA.

I'M MARRIED TO A LONG ISLAND

GIRL.

LONG ISLAND GIRLS...

[SCREAMS]

COUPLE RIGHT THERE.

THEY PUT ON MAKEUP IN TRAFFIC

WHILE THEY'RE DRIVIN'.

YOU EVER SEE THEM DRIVE?

[LAUGHTER]

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY,

YOU JERK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE

GOIN' SO SLOW IN THE LEFT LANE,

I'M TRYIN' TO PASS YOU ON THE

RIGHT, THERE'S PEOPLE PASSIN'

ME ON THE RIGHT.

WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE,

OUT OF A BUBBLEGUM MACHINE?

[SOUND OF HAIRSRPAY]

I GET OVER TO TARGET.

[SPRAYING CONTINUES)

THEY RUN YOU OVER IN A MINUTE.

YOU KNOW, JUST DOWN SOUTH, WOMEN

AREN'T LIKE THAT IN THE SOUTH.

THEY'VE GOT THAT WHOLE NICE

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY THING

GOIN'.

WHEN YOU DRIVE DOWN THERE IT'S

LIKE

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] "GO AHEAD,

GO AHEAD.

YOU ON THIS SIDE, GO AHEAD.

EVERYBODY GO AHEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU BEHIND ME, COME AROUND,

GO AHEAD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL JUST

GO HOME, WAIT TILL YOU'RE ALL

DONE DRIVIN', HOW'S THAT?"

[LAUGHTER]

JUST NICE DOWN THERE.

EVEN IN FLORIDA.

YOU GO TO FLORIDA?

FLORIDA?

HATE FLORIDA, LOOKS LIKE A

BIG LIMP PENIS HANGIN' OFF

THE FRONT OF THE COUNTRY,

DOESN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN THE PALM TREE IS SUCH

A WIMPY TREE.

IT'S GOT NO BRANCHES.

ALWAYS GETTIN' ITS ASS KICKED IN

A HURRICANE.

YOU EVER SEE FOOTAGE OF A

HURRICANE?

IT'S ALWAYS THE PALM TREE.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS WIND IS HORRIBLE.

MY COCONUTS ARE FALLING OFF.

SOMEONE, PLEASE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE REAL TREES UP HERE.

YOU DRIVE ON OUR EXPRESSWAYS

AND OUR PARKWAYS, EVERY ONCE

IN A WHILE THROUGH THE CEMENT

DIVIDER, THERE'S A TREE GROWIN'

UP THROUGH THAT THING.

THAT'S A REAL TREE RIGHT THERE.

YOU GIVE ME A TREE TO LIVE OFF

GLASS, CIGARETTE BUTTS AND

PEBBLES, THAT'S A REAL TREE.

NOT THIS "I NEED SUNSHINE CRAP,"

NO WAY.

OUR TREES COME UP, THE BRANCHES

ARE IN THE SHAPE OF MIDDLE

FINGERS.

SPITTIN' SAP ON PEOPLE.

[SPITTING NOISES]

DOESN'T EVEN LET BIRDS LAND ON

IT.

"GET THE HELL OFF MY BRANCHES,

I'M TRYIN' TO GROW HERE."

'CAUSE A LOT OF THIS COUNTRY

IS SCARY, MAN.

YOU EVER GO TO KENTUCKY?

EVOLUTION HAS PASSED OVER

KENTUCKY.

TEETH ARE OPTIONAL IN KENTUCKY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU DON'T NEED TEETH.

AND THEIR PIZZA SUCKS.

I WENT TO A PIZZERIA.

"COULD I HAVE A SLICE?"

GUY HANDED ME A CAN OF SODA.

I SAID, "NO, SLICE THE SODA,

YOU IDIOT.

SLICE OF THE PIZZA."

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID TO ME?

"WE DON'T SELL SLICES.

WE JUST SELL THE WHOLE PIE."

HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO CUT

THE FRIGGIN' THING YET?

GO IN THE BACKYARD, SHARPEN A

STICK AND SLICE THE DAMN THING!

IT'S A WHEEL!

THE SLICER IS A WHEEL!

FIRST CAME FIRE...

AND THEN THE WHEEL!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TELL ME WHICH PART IS CONFUSIN'

YA THERE, JETHRO!

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