and a one-year-old daughter.
(sparse cheers)My son, I'll be honest...
Wait for the joke again. Uh...
My son, not really bornfor romantic
or on-purpose kind of reasons.
Uh, just ran out of condoms.
I can't wait till that comes upwhen he's older.
You know, "Daddy, tell me aboutwhen I was born."
"Well, son, it all started
when Walgreenswouldn't take a check."
I think my wife and I havereached the point
in our relationship,we know
we're never goingto get divorced 'cause we know
we don't want anyone elseto ever see us naked.
Just hits you when you'relooking in the mirror one day.
You're like, "Oh, my God.
Honey, have you seen this?"
"So glad I'm not single. Wow.
"I do not want to see the fish
I would catchwith this bait, I don't."
If you're in a long-termrelationship,
there's nothing betterfor you as a couple
than to be out of shape.
'Cause eventually you justget to the point
where it's like, "Well, honey,looks like we've eaten ourselves
into a monogamous relationship."
Nothing says "I love you"
like, "Pass the gravy."
When I got married, all myfriends gave me grief about it.
They were like,"Man, you only get to have sex
with one woman for the restof your life."
Which--that's turned out to be true.
But one woman is actuallya hell of a lot better
than the nobody I was workingwith before, so, you know...
I've been married 12 years.
I don't even fantasizeabout being with
another woman anymore, I don't.
I fantasize about being alone.
I'm not on the Internetlooking at porn every night.
I'm looking atstudio apartments.
(laughter and applause)
I'm like,"Ah, utilities included.
That is so hot!"
That's not even my wife's fault.
That's my kids' fault, okay?
I just want to go somewhere
where I can poopwithout talking.
That's all I want.
I'm like, "I don't knowwho'd win in a fight
"between Batman and Spider-Man.
Daddy's kind of busy in here!"
He constantly asks mequestions--
I never know the answer.
I had no idea how stupidI was till I reproduced.
I don't know anything.
They're hard questions.
"Daddy, why are tongues red?"
What am I, Google?
No one knows that.(laughter)
"Why is the grass green?Why is the sky blue?"
I'm like, "I don't know--
why couldn't he becolorblind, I wonder, hmm?"
He asked me this recently. Uh...
"Daddy, what languagedoes God speak?"
Okay, did you smokea joint for breakfast?
Yeah, who asks that questionnot high?
"I think it's the languageof love, Dad."
He never stops talking, ever.
Every thought in his brain
is going to come outof his mouth-- all day.
"Daddy, did you knowtrees are green,
"and green's my favorite color.What's your favorite color?
"Is it orange? That's mysecond favorite color.
"Hey, where's Mommy?Can I have a Popsicle?
"Yesterday I pooped in the car.Can we go to McDonald's?
How much does it costto buy a submarine?"
I'm like... "Blue!
"What was the first question?
"It's 6:30 in the morning,I'm on the toilet.
Take it down a notch,you crackhead."
"How do you wake up talking?"
How is that scientificallyeven possible
to wake up talking?
I've seen him sleepin our bed.
I've seen him wake up.
It's terrifying. It's just...
"Daddy, do alligatorsever eat sharks?
"Are there still pirates?
Can I have a nail gun?Why are you crying?"
I'm like... (sobbing)
"I was just thinkingabout Walgreen's."