Demetri Martin - Doors

Demetri Martin. Person. Season 1, Ep 101 01/13/2007 Views: 104,804

When confronted with an especially heavy door, Demetri Martin would like a fair warning. (2:18)

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I WAS SITTING THERE, I WAS WRITING IN MY NOTEBOOK,

AND I SUDDENLY HEARD [SMOOCHES]

SO I LOOKED UP. I WAS LIKE, "HUH?"

AND THERE WAS A GUY STANDING FOUR FEET FROM ME JUST GOING...

[ SMOOCHES ]

...TO A SQUIRREL THAT WAS THREE FEET FROM ME.

SO I LOOKED AT THE SQUIRREL,AND HE WASN'T LOOKING UP.

I REALIZED, "OH, MAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M LESS FOCUSEDTHAN SQUIRRELS?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M WORKING --I HEAR [SMOOCHES]

"HUH? WHAT'S THAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AIMED AT THE SQUIRREL -- HE'S LIKE, "COME ON, MAN, REALLY?

NICE TRY, STUPID.I GOT AN ACORN."

I SAW A SIGN ON THIS DOOR THAT SAID, "EXIT ONLY,"

SO I ENTERED IT, AND I WENT UPTO THE GUY WORKING THERE,

AND I WAS LIKE,"I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU HAVE SEVERELY UNDERESTIMATED

"THIS DOOR OVER HERE...

BY, LIKE, 100%, MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HATE HEAVY DOORS.

I HATE WHEN THERE'S A HEAVY DOOR,

'CAUSE THERE SHOULD BE A SIGN ON IT...

THAT SAYS, "WARNING...

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK WEAK RIGHT NOW!"

"DAMN IT.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, MAN? I'M WALKING WITH A GIRL HERE!

I DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE TO GET INTO THE BAR!"

SO, NOW I TREAT EVERY DOOR LIKE IT'S HEAVY

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TOGET BURNED AGAIN.

THE PROBLEM IS, EVERY DOOR ISN'T HEAVY.

SO I'M, LIKE, SLAMMING DOORS.

I DON'T WANT TO SLAM A DOOR

AND NOT HAVE AN EMOTIONTO GO WITH THE ACTIVITY.

THAT LOOKS CRAZY.

SO I END UP IN SITUATIONS WHERE I GO INTO A CONVENIENCE STORE,

AND I'M JUST LIKE, BAM!

"I NEED SOME GUM -- NOW!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DON'T HAVE TIME TO MESS AROUND, MAN.

"I GOT SOME BAD BREATH!

WHY'S YOUR DOOR SO LIGHT? THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS!"

I WANT TO MAKE A REVOLVING DOOR THAT SAYS "PULL" ON IT.

JUST SEE HOW OBEDIENT PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW?

BE LIKE "OH, IT'S ONE OF THESE. I'M SORRY.

"START IT BACK -- EXCUSE ME.SORRY, JUST COMING THROUGH HERE.

SORRY ABOUT -- YEAH. IT'S THE DOOR, IT'S NOT ME."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]