Doug Stanhope - Love Triangle at the Coach & Horses - Uncensored

Mortality 10/20/2016 Views: 4,071

After a bad breakup, Doug Stanhope's rebound relationship with a beautiful woman runs into an unexpected obstacle. (13:51)

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- She could be actively suckingmy dick at the bar

while we're getting marriedat the same time,

and dudes would still be going,

"What are you doing later?"

[dark electronic music]

[man roars]

[man roars]

[both snarling]

[dark electronic music]

[man grunting]

[gunshots]

[dark electronic music]

[zombie growls]

[gun cocks]

[zombie growls]

[gunshot]

- Ladies and gentlemen,so excited to bring him up.

Finally doing my show.

From the--the host of"The Doug Stanhope Podcast,"

Mr. Doug Stanhope!

- This story is aboutrelationships,

and I'm pretending to read it

out of my bookthat just came out,

called "Digging Up Mother:

A Love Story."

Foreword by Johnny Depp.

There's a chick--uh, a lady

I used to datein the late '90s.

She was out of my league.

She was a, uh,

former child star.

One of "People" magazine's

50 most beautifulpeople in the world,

but not one of mine.

But she was, uh--yeah,she was out of my league.

Bu--we had nothing in common.

I don't know if you rememberthe old Coach & Horses.

It's now called the Pikey.

It was this shitty dive bardown on Sunset,

and that's where I hung out.

I just lived there.

Slumped over withmy seahorse posture at the bar

and this fucking A-lister chick,

she was hanging outwith the Kennedys

and going to dinnerwith Rod Stewart,

and I'm not invited.

I'm down fucking offat the Coach & Horses

with the schlubs and--

The relationship ended

where she had--she took some crazy flight--

"I'm going to the CannesFilm Festival."

Really? Can I come?

"No."

And I know that she hasthis big shot,

global A-list ex-boyfriend

over there that...

what, I can't come, but you're--

you're gonna be with that guy?

And--and she came back,

And the long versionis in the book.

Doug Stanhope,"Digging Up Mother,"

available now on Amazon.

She comes back and she--

I said,

"So were you with that guy?"

And she goes, "Yeah, I saw him."

And I said,"Did you fuck him?"

I just cornered her.Just said it.

"Did you fuck him?"

And she said, "No."

But then she continued on with,

"But I gave him a blow jobin his car."

You could have just stoppedafter "No."

Like, technically,you wouldn't be lying.

You wouldn't beperjuring yourself.

You didn't have to give methe blow job in the car.

I can't tell you

who the guy is,

but I'll tell youwhat he does for a living.

He's the prince of [bleep].

So I'll just leave it vague.

That's not in the book,

because the lawyerswouldn't allow it.

Now you knowthe rest of the story.

So I go out on--the--you--

you get dumped like that,

and you want to getrevenge pussy.

Like, I'm gonna godrop my dick

into any vacant hole in town.

Fuck.

But all my sewer grade optionswere--

They don't tally up with thefucking prince of [bleep].

Gonna fuck a Denny's waitress--

No, you--

So I--there used to--

I don't knowif it still exists.

There was a--a club called The Union

down on Sunset,and they did comedy.

So I went down,I had a show scheduled,

I show up for an 8:00 show,but they're late.

They haven't unlocked the doors.

So there's a group of people--

I can put this book down now,right, probably?

The book, "Digging"--

You get it.You get it.

So I'm outside of this club,

waiting to go inside,and--and they're closed.

But there's a group ofpeople gathered,

and, uh, there's a girl alone

that was probably, to this day,

the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen in my life.

"People" magazine wasn't there,you know.

And she asked mefor a cigarette,

which triples the attraction.

Like, a girl that hot

that's not trying?

Like, fuck yeah!

She's not a Hollywood chick--

this is an actual hot chick,

and she bums a cigarette,

and I start some small talk.

I'm not good at it,but I--I--

Uh, what comicare you here to see?

Hoping she doesn't saythe wrong name,

'cause the last thingthat you want to hear

is a fuckin' hot girl say she'shere to see a shitty comic.

That would justbreak your heart.

So we have a repertoire.We're talking.

And we carry this insidethe bar when they open it,

and we sit down, and she'sdrinking whiskey straight,

and matching me or better.

For every beer I drink,

she's a whiskey or twoahead of me.

And I'm--this it the fucking--

this is...perfect!

And I didn't tell herthat I was a comedian

or that I was doing the show.

We're just sitting theregetting hammered,

and drinking,and I just waited

till they announced my name,

and then just, "Hey,I'll be back in ten minutes.

Just hold my seat."

And I go up,and I fucking destroyed.

I just went, hey, hang on.

I go--and then I go up,I destroyed.

It was like the scenefrom "Anchorman"

where he plays the jazz flute.

And I just, "Oh, yeah, I'll..."

And I fucking crushed.

It was the best kill move.

Came offstage, sat back downat the bar beside her

like nothing happened.

So anyway, where were we?

I'm not fucking smooth,but I was--

If I can't close this deal,

I don't deserve the paper.

So we're shit-faced,

I bring her downto the Coach & Horses,

which she loves,unlike the girl that dumped me.

Yeah, she's fuckin' all aboutdive bars,

and I introduce herto all my friends there, and--

quickly, 'cause I don't wantthem to steal her.

And we spend the night together,

and, uh, at my apartment.

I wake up to a--a noncommittal,

but nice notewith a phone number.

And, um...

Rebound pussy...

Sometimes you cling to that

with ten times the zeal

of the relationship

you're recovering from

just for fear of an empty bed.

I need you back.

And it turns out she just--

she was living three blocksbehind the Coach & Horses

and she became a regular

at my bar.

With everybody hitting on her.

And I have no claim to that.

Like, I fucked her once,so she's like, "Yeah,

"fucked you, nice to--

Here's a note.Fucked you. That was fun."

So I--I don't have a claim,but--

she's not my girlfriend,but that's my rebound pussy,

and everyone at the baris now hitting on her

now that she's a regular,

and even if I didhave claim to her,

no one would have--she could be

actively sucking my dickat the bar

while we're getting marriedat the same time,

and dudes would still be going,

"What are you doing later?"

I got--

And there was one nightwhere I--

I didn't want to be aggressivewith her.

Like, I'm hands-off,but there was one night--

There was a group of regularsback then

at the bar that I knew.

There's three levelsof regulars.

There's the guy that you hugwhen you come in,

there's the onethat you high-five,

and then there'sthe one you nod at.

This one guy,Lorca was his name.

Lorca, he was a nodder.

He was a third level regular.

And he was this brooding,dour drunk.

He was a runty little fuck,

and--and when he'd get drunk,he'd just--

he was always--he looked like he was always

at the edge of a fistfight,and he just...

But he was always sitting with--

Renee was the girl,the beautiful girl,

and he--I--I noticedhe's sitting with her a lot,

and I thought--is--

is she fucking him?

But I can't ask.

She's just a girl I fucked,

but she's everything I need.

I need you now.

I can't be alonewith the fucking

carnival in my headin my bed.

There was a night where

we ended up playingcat and mouse,

where...

they were sitting together,

and he'd get upto get a drink,

and I'd sneak in, and tryto get her over to my table,

or she'd get up to take a piss

and I'd strategically locatemyself by that end of the bar

so when she came outof the bathroom,

"Hey, I bought you a drink.Come over this way.

Fuck that guy.Come this way."

And it was a--it was a long night

of drinking,where I noticed

Lorca was leering at me.

And I've--I've seen him do this

every nightthat I sit at this bar,

but tonight I think, is--

is he trying to mad dog me?

I-is he--or is he just fucked up?

But he's just staring at me.

He'd come up to my tableand lean on it.

I was like, maybehe's just fucked up.

And at that point, uh,

my, uh, friends Matt Beckerand big fat Ralphie May,

if you know big fat Ralphie May,they show up,

and I go, I don't knowif I'm being paranoid,

but is this guy tryingto start shit with me?

Like, look at howhe's looking at me.

And they're bothmore paranoid that me.

And big fat Ralphie May,"Yeah, Dougie Stanhope.

"Yeah. Yeah, that guy's tryingto start some shit.

Fuck that dude, man."

And I--

I--I--

But he has done nothing overtly

for me to, like, step up to himand go like,

"Hey, you know, that--the weird look

"on your countenanceis disconcerting.

Can you stop that, sir?"

Like, I--I have nothing to say, but I--

I-I'm sad thatI'm such a coward.

Like, I--

Do I have to man-upto this dude?

Like, the--he's done nothing.

I'm s--I'm--I'm sad

that I'm so deludedby this girl

that I don't even know if I haveto be brave in the first place.

I just--I just want the girl.

So I just let it ruin my night

while he's staring at meand I'm staring at him

and I'm staring at her

and I don't know how to fuckin'close the deal.

So at one point,

they call, "Last call.

You're welcome to be invited toget the fuck out of our bar."

We all funnel out and I'm stilltrying to figure out

how I can close the deal.

Or if I'm gonna have to fuckingfight a dude?

I don't--I don't...

So we walk out of the bar.

Ralphie May,Matt Becker, and I,

we take a left to go to the car,

and this dude Lorcaruns out behind us

to try to cross Sunset Boulevardin a hurry,

and he gets killed

by a speeding car.

[shocked laughter]

Literally knocked himout of his shoes.

[laughter]

I didn't expect the storyto end like that either.

Thanks.

[cheers and applause]