Kyle Kinane - Sex on a Plane Pt. 1

Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus Season 1, Ep 1 11/24/2012 Views: 9,433

During a cross-country flight, Kyle Kinane is seated next to a frisky couple. (2:29)

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I had one flight --

I was going cross-country,L.A. to New York,

And I bought a ticketon Orbitz

and I got a direct flighton Orbitz,

and that's not supposedto happen.


No. Orbitz--it's a good website,

but we'd be like,"Hey, Orbitz,

I wanna go from hereto that stool,"

and Orbitz would be like,"No problem, man.

You just gotta go to Denverfive times first."

And I like saving $37,so I'm like, "All right.

"Go, Broncos, or whatever.

"Let's see what--let's seewhat's going on in Denver.

I don't know,'cause I'm gonna save $37."

So I get it and--I get it and I'm excited,

but I'm suspiciousat the same time

'cause that's not howit's supposed to work.

And I can't justhave nice things

'cause I was raised Catholic,

so everything hassome kind of guilt price tag

attached to it.

Like, "Oh,something's working out.

Something bad has to happen.What's it gonna be?"

Like, you just can't have that,you're Catholic.

"Two sunny days in a row?"

"Yeah, but your friend'sgonna die."

"Why? Why can't thingsjust be nice?

Why can't I just like somethingbecause it's nice?"

So I get to the airport.I get to board first.

It's like, "All right.Well, how about this?"

I get, you know,I get an aisle seat--

"Are you kidding me?

I get to stretch the ponies outthe whole time?

Maybe thingsare just looking up."

The plane's boarding.I'm sitting there.

Everybody else is coming on.

Along come the peoplethat'll be sitting

next to me in my row.

They're two chubby Spaniards--a couple.

Spaniards. They were white,but speaking Spanish.

They weren't, like,conquistadors.

They weren't looking for gold,wearing armor.

They were just whiteand speaking Spanish.

You don't knowhow to comprehend that,

"Spaniard" is a fun word to say,the hell with it.

We're calling them Spaniards.

And they take their seats.

All right.And away we go.

Plane taxiing, takes off.

In the ascentof the airplane,

the Spaniards,wasting no time,

that armrest goes up and theystart trying to [bleep].

Just right there.

Seats A and B.

Seat C, Kyle Kinane.

A and B, [bleep].

Two-thirds, [bleep].

One-third, Kyle Kinane,not invited to the party.

And I'm upset about that.

And in their defense,they weren't, like--

there wasn't just naked buttsin the air.

They had pulled a big coatup over them,

but you know what's happeningunder there.

There's movements.

They're not playing cardsunder there, all right?

It's not likeI'm just gonna hear "Uno!"

You know,that's not how it works.

I guess I would probablyhear "One."

I don't know how it workswith the translation.