WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD

MY MOM BARGED INTO MY ROOMAND CAUGHT ME...MASTURBATIN'.

AND SHE STARTED CRYING.

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS SO UPSET

BECAUSE I WAS WEARINGHER OVEN MITTS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...OR BECAUSE DADWAS VIDEOTAPING ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I KNOW -- HOW DOES A DOGHOLD A VIDEO CAMERA?

IT'S CRAZY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LAST WEEK, I CUPPED A FART,

AND I THREW ITIN MY GRANDMOTHER'S FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW I'M BANNEDFROM HER BOOK CLUB.

I DON'T CARE.I HATE READING.

I'M DONE WITH THAT.

I READ A CAPTION IN THE PAPERTHE OTHER DAY.

THE CAPTION READ,

"IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOUTO FINISH READING THIS SENTENCE,

20 PEOPLE WILL HAVE DIEDOF HUNGER."

HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOWHOW FAST I CAN READ?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I HAD TO READ IT AGAIN.

I KILLED 40 [BLEEP] PEOPLE!

I READ AN ARTICLE THAT SAID,

"CAR ACCIDENTS HAPPENCLOSEST TO HOME."

DOES THAT MEAN THAT ORPHANSARE BETTER DRIVERS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,IT MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE THEY'D HAVE MORE TIMETO PRACTICE

♪ WHEN THEY'RE NOT BEING LOVEDBY ANYONE ♪

♪ SOMETIMES I'LL SINGTHE PUNCH LINE ♪