Dylan, great job on the
"30 Ways to Know You're 20Pounds Overweight" article.
I heard most girls werecrying by number seven.
All right, nextorder of shizz,
We're still 80 tipsaway from being done
with 500 hottestsex tips.
What if, while you're going downon him you take a feather
and you gently tickle thespace behind his balls?
Hunter, it's sex tipsto drive him wild,
not drive him mild.
That's hilarious, did youguys hear what I said?
Okay, write that down.
Actually, just putit right on the blog.
I don't want peopleto have to wait for that.
Okay, Lenore, go.
So you dress likea Boy Scout
but only from thebottom down
and then you sit onhis knee and queef.
Interesting,I like it... more.
Take a five-hourenergy
and pour it insideyour vagina
right before youhave sex.
Where's your office?
I'm moving itcloser to mine.
Spin me around.
What if you takea pumice stone
and you hold it over an openflame for like an hour
and then yougently grate it
up and downhis shaft?
Wow, love it.
Okay, guys, we need75 more and don't be lazy.
So far, the pumicestone's my favorite.
You put his penisin a glory hole.
You begin to stroke it.
You take amouthful of cum
from his threebest friends
and then you shoot it in hisface until he explodes?
What about asawed-off shotgun?
You could take it andrub it up and down his neck
till he'ssuper hard.
You look likea sad emoticon.
Give me something.
Okay, okay,how 'bout this.
You fall in lovewith a stockbroker,
you know because itreally seems like
he wants toget married.
And then you'retogether at the
Chipotle and his friendsfrom work show up,
and he pretends likeyou're bussin' the table.
So what do you do?
You pick up his basket,you clear his table.
You wipe itand you say,
"Can I get youanything else?"
And you knowwhat he says?
He says, "Yeah, could youfreshen our drinks?"
So you fresheneverybody's drinks.
And you go backinto the kitchen.
You take somebody'scard, you clock out,
you go home and thenwhat do you do?
You pour yourselfa bottle of Chardonnay
and you siton the toilet
and then you start playing WordsWith Friends with Lenore.
And then you justgo and you get into bed...
And then he explodes.
What's happeningover here?
What's happeningin this section?
Bridgett is goingthrough a breakup.
You don't know whatI'm going through.
Okay, she's aticking time bomb.
Somebody topher off.
I'm not hearingsex tips.
What, are wehanging out--
are you guysmy friends?
So you wait till hefinds out his dad's
been diagnosedwith prostate cancer.
Then, while he's crying,you put one finger--
two fingers uphis butt...
until he explodes?
I have one.
Make eye contact?
You're a cunt,fan me.
How' bout, go toTrader Joe's,
and buy an Amy'sfrozen Indian dinner
Then smear it allover his genitals
in slow circlesclockwise...
and then counterclockwise.
I tried that...
and it works.
That eye contact thingwas ridic-- get out.
Guys, this article isgonna cause a baby boom.
We're doingGod's work.
2,000 men are suing "Glamo"Magazine for emotional damages
claiming their sex tips
are at least partiallyresponsible for the fact
that they were bizarrelyraped by their girlfriends.
( anchorman )We spoke to oneof the plaintiffs.
I came here today becauseI don't want anyone
to ever have to gothrough what I went through.
I bet you guys didn'tknow that you can, uh,
fit a Hanukkah candlein your pee-hole.
Well, guess what "Glamo"Magazine, you can't.
Now I have topiss in a bag.