Aw, New York.I love you.
This is great.I, uh--
I actually just spentsome time in L.A. on the beach.
And it's intimidatingbeing around, like,
all those tiny bathing suitsand hard bodies.
Like, it made me reallyhomesick
for New York Citypublic beaches.
Like, for real.
Like, I was at Coney Islandone time,
and I saw a fatRussian guy
just walk straightinto the ocean
wearing a velour tracksuit.
That guy got it,you know?
He was, like, neck-deepin the ocean
with, like,a sandwich in one hand
and a cigar in the other.
He was like, "It's friggin'beautiful in here."
It's like, these are my peopleand my beaches.
I can't stand all thesesalad restaurants
popping upall over the place.
Like, they've gotstupid names,
like You Chop It.
It's like,"Toss your own salad."
And they're awful,
because they trick youinto thinking
that, like,making your own salad
is, like, fast,fun and easy.
And you walk in
believing you knowwhat tastes good on a salad.
But then you get in line
and you [BLEEP]forget everything.
Everything.It's so intimidating.
You start sweating.
You get up to, like,the counter,
and there's just likethis small Latino dude
with, like, a metal bowland tongs,
just mad-dogging you.
Like some sort of undefeatedsalad warrior.
You're going down.
It's crazy. And you have to picksix ingredients.
Like, I always start outreally confident.
I'm like, "Romaine."
Then it gets in my head,second ingredient.
I'm like, "Apples?"
I don't know.Then I just lose my mind
with the third ingredient.
I'm like, "Candy corn."
Then I black out...
and I wake upat the register
with a $19 dome of [BLEEP]that I have to eat.
I go, take it in the cornerwith the other panicked people
who are, like, shamefully eatingtheir salads.
I open it up.I'm like, Oh, good.
For my last three ingredientsI chose mandarin oranges,
eggs and safety pins.