Lizz Winstead - Compassionate Conservatives

  • Season 9 , Ep 2
  • 10/07/2004
  • Views: 3,855

What does it means to be a compassionate conservative? (2:56)

WHAT SHOULD WE EXPECT FROM A

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE?

BY THE WAY, IS IT THE

COMPASSIONATE OR THE

CONSERVATIVE PART THAT WITH A

STRAIGHT FACE CALLS PUTTING A

PICKLE ON A BUN, A REPLACEMENT

FOR A MANUFACTURING JOB?

WHICH PART?

OR WHICH PART OF THE

COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE

EQUATION IS IT THAT STEALS

FROM POOR KIDS LUNCH PROGRAMS TO

PAY FOR TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH?

I'M NOT SURE.

OR IS IT THE COMPASSIONATE PART

OR THE CONSERVATIVE PART,

THAT FORCES MOM'S TO HOLD BAKE

SALES FOR THEIR SONS AND

DAUGHTERS WHO ARE FIGHTING IN

IRAQ.

THIS ONE KILLS ME!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A WAR

AND THEN SAY, "JEEZ, WE DON'T

HAVE ENOUGH BULLETS.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH KEVLAR

VESTS.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TANKS AND

JEEPS THAT ARE PROTECTED FROM

THE ENEMY.

GO SEND YOUR SEND YOUR SON AND

BY THE WAY, WE'RE GONNA SEND

HIM THERE FOR AS LONG AS WE'D

LIKE HIM TO BE THERE."

MEANWHILE, MOM'S BACK HOME ARE

HAVING BAKE SALES.

THIS IS INSANE!

SINCE WHEN IS IT OKAY THAT THE

SAFETY OF OUR SOLDIERS DEPENDS

ON HOW MUCH APPLE BROWN BETTY

MRS. MAPLEWOOD SELLS?

SORRY BOYS, WE ONLY SOLD TWO

PANS OF OURS SO YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO MAKE YOUR OWN FLAK VEST

WITH DOWNED APACHE HELICOPTER

AND SOME OLD GUM.

[APPLAUSE]

THIS ONE IS ALSO CRAZY.

GO TO THE DEPARTMENT OF LABOR

WEBSITE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A

PAGE FOR THE HOMELESS TO FIND

JOBS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I KNOW THAT THE HOMELESS

DON'T HAVE HOMES SO I SHOULDN'T

BE JUDGMENTAL TO THINK THAT THEY

DON'T HAVE LAPTOPS.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

BUT I JUST KINDA CAN'T BELIEVE,

I GUESS THEY GO THE LIBRARY

TO LOOK FOR JOBS.

WHICH, THEN JOHN ASHCROFT CAN

MONITOR THEIR EVERY PAGE THEY

LOOK AT UM, WHEN THEY'RE NOT

HITTING THE ADD TO CART BUTTON

EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND TO BE FAIR, I DO NOT WANT

TO JUST MAKE THIS A "GET BUSH

OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE QUICKER

THAN YOU CAN GET BUSH OUTTA

THE WHITE HOUSE 'CAUSE I CANNOT

BELIEVE HOW HE'S DESTROYED OUR

STATE IN THE WORLD AND RUINED

THIS NATION FEST".

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I REALLY DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT

WHY JOHN KERRY SUCKS.

BUT WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME.

I GOTTA GO.

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