Tom Segura - Mushy Mouth

  • Season 15 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 24,498

If Tom Segura had $350 million, he would spend it buying teeth for other people. (2:56)

WATCHING TELEVISION, ANDI SAW THIS SHOW CALLED,

"HOW WINNING THE LOTTERYCHANGES YOUR LIFE."

YEAH, WHICH JUST THEEXISTENCE OF THAT SHOW

MEANS THAT THERE AREENOUGH PEOPLE THAT GO,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENSWHEN YOU WIN THE LOTTERY.

"IF YOU COULD PLEASECREATE A MOVING PICTURE SHOW,

"SO I COULD WRAPMY HEAD AROUND IT,

"I'LL TUNE INEVERY WEEK."

REALLY-- I'VE NEVERWON THE LOTTERY.

I HAVE A PRETTY GOODIDEA OF WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU HAVE A LOTMORE [deleted] NOW.

END OF SHOW.

EVERYBODY ON THESHOW IS BORING, OKAY?

EXCEPT FOR THE GUY THATWON THE BIGGEST LOTTERY EVER,

$350 MILLION.

MM-HMM.

AND HE TAKES PRIDE IN THEFACT THAT HE'S NEVER CHANGED.

LIKE, HE STILL GOESTO WORK EVERYDAY,

HE STILL DRIVESTHE SAME CAR,

AND HE STILL DOESN'THAVE ANY TEETH.

WHAT-- YEAH.

[audience laughing]

NOW, I DON'T KNOWABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT IF I HAD$350 MILLION,

I'D BE BUYING OTHER PEOPLETEETH-- ALL RIGHT.

[audience laughing]

I'D JUST WALK DOWNTHE STREET AND BE LIKE,

"HEY, SMILE--WANT SOME TEETH?

[audience laughing]

"IT'S ON ME."

SPEAKING AS A GUY WITHA FULL SET OF CHOMPERS,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT HAVINGTEETH IS TOTALLY AWESOME,

[audience laughing]

AND IF YOUONLY HAVE $15,

YOU SHOULD USE THAT MONEYAS A DOWN PAYMENT FOR TEETH.

[audience laughing]

NOT ONLY WILL YOU GET TO ENJOYALL THE CUISINES OF THE WORLD,

BUT YOU ALSOWON'T LOOK LIKE,

WELL, LIKE YOU DON'THAVE ANY [deleted] TEETH.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

GET SOME TEETH.

CAN WE PARK AT TEETHFOR A SECOND, SERIOUSLY?

I'M MEETING PEOPLEALL THE TIME NOW,

THAT DON'THAVE ANY TEETH.

WHAT IS GOINGON IN YOUR HEAD,

WHERE YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TOWALK AROUND ALL MUSHY MOUTHED?

YOU KNOW, JUST...

[audience laughing]

DUDE, GET IT TOGETHER--THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHATYOUR BALLS LOOK LIKE,

IF THE PART EVERYBODY SEES,YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DOIF YOU DON'T HAVE TEETH, OKAY?

GET SOME FRIENDS.

GET SOME FRIENDS--HAVE THEM LEND YOU MONEY.

IF ANY OF MYFRIENDS WERE LIKE,

"HEY, TOM,CAN I BORROW $50?"

I'D BE LIKE, "WELL,WHAT DO YOU NEED $50 FOR?"

"WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUNOTICED, BUT WHEN I TALK,

"I DON'T HAVE ANY [deleted]TEETH IN MY MOUTH."

I'D BE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT--I DID NOTICE THAT.

"HERE'S $100.

[audience laughing]

YOU DON'T HAVETO PAY ME BACK."

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

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