Breakup Sweatpants

Season 1 , Ep 3 07/29/09 Views: 50,854

Ever since Michael Ian Black's girlfriend dumped him, he's been in the market for a new pair of pants. (1:38)

OH, HEY, THERE.

WELCOME TO SWEATPANTS.- OH, HI.

- HOW ARE YOU?

- NOT SO GOOD.- OH.

ASSUMED AS MUCH.- YEAH.

- DID YOU GET FIRED?- DUMPED.

GIRLFRIEND LEFT MEFOR MY BEST FRIEND.

- WOW, THAT'S MUCH WORSE.- EH.

- SO YOU'RE PROBABLYGONNA BE WANTING

TO JUMP INTO A PAIROF SWEATPANTS, EH?

- RIGHT AWAY.

- WELL, YOU CAMETO THE RIGHT PLACE.

I WANT TO JUST ASK YOUA FEW QUESTIONS

SO THAT WE CAN PICK OUT

THE PERFECT PAIROF SWEATPANTS FOR YOU.

- OKAY.

- NOW, WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUARE MORE SAD OR LONELY?

- AH, I WOULD SAYI'M DESPERATE.

- MM-HMM.

- SO I GUESS A COMBINATIONOF SAD AND LONELY.

- ALL RIGHT,QUICK QUESTION ABOUT FIT.

UM, IN TERMS OF WEIGHT,

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINKYOU'RE GONNA BE GAINING?

ARE WE TALKING 10 TO 15,20 TO 30,

OR ARE YOU JUST GOINGFULL-ON MORBIDLY OBESE?

- YEAH, NO.- I SEE--OKAY.

- I'M GOING...

- ALL RIGHT, WELL,YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M THINKING--AND THISIS JUST ON A LARK, BUT--

IS THIS GONNA BEYOUR PRIMARY PAIR OF PANTS?

- I'M THINKING THIS WILL BEMY ONLY PAIR OF PANTS.

- OKAY, SO YOU'LL BE WEARING ITINSIDE, OUTSIDE?

- YEAH, I'LL BE WEARING ITEVERYWHERE.

- OKAY, AND WHAT ABOUT WASHING?- I WON'T BE WASHING THEM.

- NO WASH--YEAH,SO COME ON OVER HERE.

UM, THIS WOMAN, SHE--

YOU GONNA BE CALLING HERIN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

- YEAH, I'LL BE CALLING HER.- TRYING TO GET HER BACK...

- TEXTING HER...- WHOLE DEAL.

- YEAH, I'VE GOTHER EMAIL PASSWORD,

SO I'M GONNA BE ON THAT A LOT.

- WOW.WOW.

- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTIONABOUT THE SWEATPANTS.

DO STAINS SHOW UP ON THOSE?- OH, ABSOLUTELY. YEAH.

- OKAY.- EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING SHOWS.

- 'CAUSE IN MY RELATIONSHIP,WHEN THE BITCH DUMPED ME,

I HAD A PAIR OF SWEATPANTS,

AND I FOUND THAT A LOTOF THE KETCHUP DIDN'T SHOW UP.

THE MAYONNAISE DIDN'T SHOW UP.

- IT DIDN'T READ?- IT DIDN'T READ.

- WELL, LET ME ASK YOUA QUESTION

ABOUT YOUR LAST PAIROF SWEATPANTS.

WERE THEY BLUE?- THEY WERE BLUE.

- THAT'S WHY.THAT'S WHY.

THE GRAY SWEATPANTS,EVERYTHING READS.

- OKAY.- KETCHUP, MUSTARD, UM...

- SEMEN?- ABSOLUTELY.

- OKAY.- YEAH.

NOW, IN TERMS OF JUST HOW FARDOWN THE SCALE YOU'VE GONE

WITH YOUR DEPRESSION,

WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE,LIKE, SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATING

THE FUTILITY OF LIFEAT THIS POINT?

- I'LL TELL YOUWHAT I'M CONTEMPLATING:

GETTING AN AKAND GOING TO HER PLACE OF WORK.

- OH, I SHOULD HAVE GONEWITH MY GUT RIGHT OFF THE BAT.

YOU NEED OUR TOP SELLER.

THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE.

SHE'S A BEAUTY.

THIS IS THE MOPER COLLECTION- OKAY.

- SO I WANT YOU TO TAKEA GOOD LOOK AT THAT.

- YEAH, THAT'S A NICESWEATPANT.

- WELL, THE AMAZING THINGABOUT IT IS,

IS THAT IT'S GOT POCKETS...- MM-HMM.

- AND YOU CAN JUST PUTANYTHING IN THERE.

YOU CAN PUT YOUR CELL PHONEIN THERE OR A BAG OF CHIPS,

A GUN, BOTTLE OF PILLS,WHATEVER WILL FIT.

- MM-HMM.

- WANT TO GIVE THESEA LITTLE TRY-ON?

- YEAH.DRESSING ROOM'S BACK THERE?

- RIGHT BACK THERE.- THANKS VERY MUCH.

- ALL RIGHT.

[sobbing]

DEBBIE!

PICK UP!IT'S RALPH.

PICK UP, YOU [bleep] BITCH!

I'M SORRY!

I'M SORRY!

- [crying]

- HOW DO THEY FIT?

[phone ringing]

- [crying]

IT'S SWEATPANTS!

IT'S ALL WE SELL!

ALL WE SELL IS SWEATPANTS!

- [bawling]

[door chimes]

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