Tom Cotter - Air Travel

  • Season 8 , Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004
  • Views: 5,773

An airplane comes with a designated driver, and his name is Captain. (1:59)

I DRINK A LOT.

I USED TO BELONG TO AA BUT I HAD

TO QUIT THAT.

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW

THIS BUT THEIR DRINKING POLICY

IS REALLY STRICT.

AND I WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE

GROUP.

BECAUSE ONE OF THE GUYS IN OUR

GROUP HAD BEEN SOBER FOR THREE

YEARS, SO THEY THREW HIM A PARTY

AND I BROUGHT A KEG.

IT WAS A PARTY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GET IN TROUBLE WHEN I DRINK.

I GOT CUT OFF ON A PLANE.

YOU EVER BEEN SHUT OFF OF BOOZE

ON AN AIRPLANE?

THE STEWARDESS OR FLIGHT

ATTENDANT, OR SKY BITCH,

WHATEVER THEY ARE THIS MONTH?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE COMES OVER TO ME AND SHE

SAYS, "SIR, YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH

TO DRINK.

YOU'RE DISRUPTING THE OTHER

PASSENGERS."

AND, ALRIGHT, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T

HAVE CRAMMED THE SCREAMING

INFANT INTO THE OVERHEAD

COMPARTMENT, THAT WAS WRONG.

[LAUGHTER]

MAYA-COPA.

BUT I'M LIKE, "LADY, I HAVE A

DESIGNATED DRIVER.

HIS NAME IS CAPTAIN, DOES THAT

RING A BELL?"

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE WHEN I FLY,

THE RICH PEOPLE IN FIRST CLASS.

DO YOU HATE THEM?

'CAUSE THEY GET TO BOARD THE

PLANE BEFORE THE REST OF US,

RIGHT?

AND THEN WE-- WE HAVE TO DO OUR

LITTLE POVERTY PARADE PAST THEM.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WHILE THEY'RE IN THEIR LAZYBOY

RECLINERS AND I'M SHUFFLING

MY POOR ASS BACK TO MY ANOREXIC

BUCKET SEAT AND MY PEANUTS.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I FLY A LOT.

I WAS ON A PLANE THREE WEEKS

AGO, AND I WAS DRESSED TO KILL.

I HAD A TURBAN, A BEARD,

EXPLODING SANDALS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Loading...