Kathleen Madigan - China

  • Season 3 , Ep 5
  • 07/04/2000
  • Views: 11,643

China can be like a big 'Where's Waldo?' book with a tourist as Waldo. (1:46)

'CAUSE THEY'RE BANNING ITON FLIGHTS, YOU KNOW?

AND I HAD TO FLY ALL THE WAYTO CHINA--15 HOURS.

WE HAD TO GO TO CHINATO DO COMEDY.

IT WAS A DISASTER.

THE WHOLE COUNTRY WAS LIKE A GIANT WHERE'S WALDO? BOOK,

AND I WAS WALDO.

I KEPT WALKING AROUNDTELLING THE OTHER COMEDIANS,

"IF THERE IS SUCH A THINGAS REINCARNATION,

"I WAS NEVER CHINESE,

"'CAUSE NONE OF THIS CRAP'SRINGING A BELL.

NOT THE FOOD.NOT THE MUSIC."

AND THEY PLAY THAT MUSICWHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT--

THAT--[imitates atonal music]

"TURN THAT OFF.THAT'S HORRIBLE.

"IT'S NOT APPETIZING.

I JUST KEEP THINKING OF THESALLY STRUTHERS COMMERCIALS."

I CAN'T EVENWATCH THEM COMMERCIALS.

"ADOPT A KID FOR 60¢ A DAY."

'CAUSE I FEEL SO GUILTY.'CAUSE I HAVE 60¢.

BUT YOU GOT TOWRITE THEM LETTERS.

AND I KNOW I WOULDN'T WRITETHE LITTLE FELLA.

I'D CALL HIMIF HE HAD A CELL PHONE.

[laughter and applause]

NOT A FAN OF THECHINESE LANGUAGE EITHER.

TO MY EARS, IT JUST SOUNDS HARSH

AND, LIKE, THEY'RE ALWAYSSTRESSED OUT AND YELLING AT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU ASKA SIMPLE QUESTION,

THAT ANSWER CAME BACK50 TIMES LOUDER AND MEANER.

"HEY, COULD YOU TELL MEHOW TO GET TO THE BATHROOMS?"

"BATHROOM'S RIGHT DOWNTHE HALL!"

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

I'M LIKE,"NO WONDER YOU GUYS

"HAD TO BUILD THIS WALLAROUND THIS COUNTRY.

"YOU'RE SO LOUD,

"THERE ARE PROBABLYOTHER COUNTRIES CALLING YOU."

"HEY, IT'S JOSE IN MEXICO.

"WE'RE TRYING TO GET A NAPDOWN HERE.

"YOU THINK YOU COULD BE QUIETOVER THERE?

"YOU WANT SOME VALIUM?

THERE'S NO PRESCRIPTIONNECESSARY."

IT WAS HORRIBLE WEATHER,THOUGH.

Loading...