But let's move onto our main story.
A little bit more serious.It's about Obamacare.
All right, if that's whereyou get your health insurance,
uh, the one doctorwho does accept you, well,
he has some bad news.
Millions of Americanswill face big price hikes
and fewer choices when Obamacareopen enrollment begins.
The government says the costof mid-level health plans
next year will increaseby an average of 25%.
Goddamn, premiums going up 25%.
If I'm paying that much,I'm gonna get a CAT scan
Hell, I'm gonna get my catscanned every week.
I don't care.I'm getting every proc...
I'm gonna tell my doctorI want a kidney transplant
even if I don't need it.He'll be like,
"Well, we don't have a donor."I'll be like,
"Don't care. Use mine!Put the left one on the right,
"use the right one on the left.Chop, chop!
"I want my money!I want my money!
Move the thing! Move the thing!"
But, seriously,it's gotten so bad
that the government has hadto add new plans to Obamacare.
It used to be just platinumat the top,
then gold, then silver,then down to bronze.
Now it goes even lower,to lead and Styrofoam.
Yeah, and the Styrofoam levelis when you get sick,
they just put you on a raftand push you out into the ocean.
So the big question is,what went wrong with Obamacare?
How did we get here?
Well, we have to review itfor a second.
And before we do that,I know that talking
about health insurancecan be boring,
but what's excitingis watching what made people
need health carein the first place.
Allow me to introduce youto Patient A, Dumpster Dude.
Now, before Obamacare,if Dumpster Dude decided
to become more responsible andget himself health insurance,
insurance companiescould choose not to insure him
as a resultof his pre-existing condition,
a fractured ass bone.
Because, essentially, insurancecompanies make more money
when they cover healthy peoplewho don't need doctors.
You know? It's like a bar havinga Mormons-only happy hour.
Right? So the idea of Obamacare
was that everyone should be ableto get health insurance,
and then insurance companiesshould be required
to accept anyone, evenif they had suffered an injury
-Oh!-(audience groaning, laughing)
I don't even knowwhat he was trying to do.
-(laughter) -No, I don't knowwhat he was trying...
-Like, at least Dumpster Dudehad a purpose. -(laughter)
His aim was to get quicklyfrom his roof to his trash can.
-(laughter)-But this guy...
Now, in order for Obamacareto make economic sense,
both healthy peopleand sick people
would needto have health insurance, right?
That's the only way it works,
because for insuranceto remain affordable,
you need healthy peopleto subsidize the sick people.
It's the same way Beyoncéand Kelly subsidized Michelle.
-All right? So then...-(audience groaning)
Oh, yeah, likeyou bought her album.
Act like you boughtMichelle's album.
You judging me like we alldidn't all make those jokes!
-(laughter) -Now I knowwhat you're thinking.
Why on earth would a healthyyoung person sign up
for health insurance justto prop up old and sick people?
Well, it turns out, Obama wasthinking the same thing.
That's why he saidanyone who doesn't sign up
for Obamacare would haveto pay a fine.
And you know what the healthyyoung people said? Fine.
When the Affordable Care Actwas passed, it was believed
that the younger,healthier people would sign up.
That's not happening.
You've gotthe sicker people signing up,
and that's kind ofdraining the money.
Younger people,especially healthy people,
fewer than expectedare actually saying,
"I'll choose healthcareover the fine."
Yeah, of coursethat was gonna happen.
Young people would chooseto pay the fine,
because, you see, the fine
of not joining Obamacare costsway less than actually joining.
It's like if a movie was $12,
but the finefor sneaking in was a dollar.
-(laughter) -I'm sneaking into every movie, baby.
I'm sneaking into...
Except for Madea's Halloween.
You support that film,
and you keep the moneyin the community, you hear me?
-(laughter) -You keep that moneyin the community.
-(applause)-Keep it here.
You see,young people don't feel like
they should be signing upfor healthcare,
even thoughthey do (bleep) hike this.
I bet right before they didthat, those guys were like,
"Hey, you ever wonder whywe don't have girlfriends?"
So with costs going up,
and insurance companiesleaving many markets,
Obamacare's in troubleright now.
The question is,who will defend Obamacare?
The problemsthat may have arisen
from the Affordable Care Act
is not because government'stoo involved in the process.
The problem is is that...
we have not reached everybodyand pulled them in.
And think about it.
When one of these companiescomes out
with a new smart phone,and it has a few bugs,
what do they do?
They fix it, they upgrade it.
Unless it catches fire.Then they just...
Then they pull itoff the market.
Oh, man,I feel so bad for Obama.
Because the comparisonswith phone bugs
would have been so perfectif it wasn't for Samsung.
-(laughter) -You could see himrealizing that as he spoke.
"My plan, uh,is a lot like, uh...
"oh, the Galaxy Note.Oh, goddamn it!"
"Uh, all you got to do is,you got to use the Gala...
"Oh, goddamn, it's burning!Phil, kill the plan!
"I mean, uh, kill-killthe phone! Kill the phone.
Kill the phone. Kill the phone."
Anyway, but the truth is,Obama's not wrong.
Many complex social programsdidn't start out perfectly.
They needed to be tinkered within order to get them right.
You know, sort of likethe Incredible Hulk movies.
They didn't start perfect.They've gotten a lot better.
The only problem is,unlike Marvel,
Republicans want the franchiseto die.
MAN: Obamacare under fire.
The new Republican majority vowing
to dismantle the president's signature accomplishment.
Republicans in the House refuseto fund the government
unlessthey could roll back Obamacare.
MAN: 18 Republican governors still refuse
to expand Medicaid in their states.
WOMAN: The House tried more than 60 times to repeal Obamacare.
You see,Republicans don't believe
even if that government'scitizens are doing this.
Aw! Looks like one of those guysfound a girlfriend.
-(laughter) -I guessthere is someone for everyone.
So now, with the electionjust 12 days away--
12 days away, Goddamn--
the question is, what solutionsdo both candidates propose?
Hillary's already made it clear,
she wants to stickwith Obamacare
and do those Hulk tweakswe were talking about,
because if anyone knowsthe importance
of young people helpingold people, it's Hillary.
Whereas Trump wants to dowhat he does best--
burn it all to the ground.
I propose a contractwith the American voter.
It includes getting rid of,immediately,
Obamacare, which is a disaster.
(cheers and applause)
I want to get in a contractwith that guy.
What's the worstthat could happen?
It's not surprising that Trumpwants to scrap
and replace Obamacare,because it's less than perfect.
It's the same wayhe handles his wives.
-(laughter, groans) -Donald,I have pimple on my elbow.
(like Trump):That's a shame.
Well, it's been niceknowing you, Melania.
Eric, send inthat ten from Latvia.
But look, the truth isObamacare is flailing.
So even thoughTrump sounds extreme,
we at leasthave to do him the service
of hearing the specificsof his plan.
We are goingto replace Obamacare
with something so much better.
There will be plans,health care plans,
that you never even heard about,
that haven't even beenthought about right now.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
Yeah, I'm gladwe cleared that up.
Look, the truth is Donald Trumpdoesn't have a plan.
And Hillary's plan might work.
The saddest truthis that none of this
is getting approvedby Republican legislators.
It's like they say in the Bible:It's easier for a camel
to pass throughthe eye of a needle
than for Obamacare reformto pass through Congress.
That bookreally did know everything.
Look, at the end of the day,everyone ends up paying
for everyone's health care--that's how it's gonna work.
Either throughuniversal coverage,
or because you're gonna end uppaying to subsidize people
who don't have insurance.
So those people goto the emergency room
for a sore throat or an earache,
or if they get the remote fortheir Roku stuck up their ass.
Sort of like me,sort of like me.
And you know what, that's right,I'm not ashamed to admit it:
I use Roku.
Uh, you can't deny it, people,
health care needsto be a priority.
Health care needs to bea priority in America,
especially in a countrywhere people do this.
Want to watch Joni die?(screams)