Craig Shoemaker - Feng Shui

  • Season 9 , Ep 19
  • 06/16/2005
  • Views: 6,859

Feng shui is costing Craig his crap. (3:30)

Craig Shoemaker: THIS IS SUCH

A NEW LIFE FOR ME THIS WHOLE

THING THOUGH, THE FAMILY THING.

TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF MY LIFE

IN A NUTSHELL, HOW DIFFERENT

IT IS.

I WAS WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS

THEY'RE HERE TONIGHT.

WE'RE AT THIS OUTDOOR CAFE HERE

IN NEW YORK.

THIS IS MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL.

THEY'RE CHECKING OUT EVERY WOMAN

THAT GOES BY.

MY FRIEND BOBBY GOES, "LOOK AT

THE RACK ON HER!"

I'M GOING, "LOOK AT THAT

STROLLER SHE'S PUSHING!

THAT'S A GREICO 2000."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS

I REALIZE ALL THEY TALK ABOUT

IS CONQUESTS.

CONQUESTS.

I'M WITH MY MARRIED FRIENDS NOW

I REALIZE WE HAVE NOTHING

TO DISCUSS.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT?

"GUESS WHAT GUYS?

I NAILED MY WIFE AGAIN LAST

NIGHT."

'THAT'S THREE TIMES THIS MONTH,

SHE'S A HO!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE

NEW CARS AND STUFF.

I PULL UP IN THE MINI VAN,

THE LOSER CRUISER.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S NO DENYING A MINI VAN.

THIS THINGS LIKE...

[SINGS CIRCUS MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I MIGHT AS WELL BE DRIVING

THE OSCAR MEYER WIENER MOBILE.

THERE IS GOOD NEWS ABOUT A

MINI VAN, I'M TELLING YOU,

YOU NEVER GET PULLED OVER IN A

MINI VAN.

YOU COULD HAVE A HOOKER STRAPPED

TO YOUR HOOD, DOING MOCK FIVE.

THE COPS WILL GO, "AH, LET HIM

GO.

HE'S SUFFERED ENOUGH FOR

GOD'S SAKES."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH MY WIFE, SHE'S THE

NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEM.

OUR WHOLE HOUSE, SHE TOOK OVER

THE WHOLE HOUSE.

SHE DECORATES THE WHOLE THING,

YA KNOW.

I MEAN, I LIKE DECORATING.

WHEN I WAS A BACHELOR, LIKE,

MY BACHELOR BATHROOM, I HAD

ONE TOWEL.

WHEN IT GOT HARD, I THREW IT OUT

AND BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

TRUE STORY.

NOW WE HAVE DECORATIVE TOWELS.

I USE THOSE, THAT'S THE

PENALTY BOX FOR THREE WEEKS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN SHE'S

NOT AROUND?

I LOCK THAT BATHROOM DOOR

"HERE'S YOUR DECORATIVE TOWEL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S RIGHT.

I PAID FOR IT.

I'M GOING TO USE IT.

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

THEN I FOLD IT AND PUT IT BACK.

JUST CONSIDER THAT IN CASE

YOU'RE EVER INVITED OVER THE

SHOEMAKER HOME.

YOU'LL BE WASHING YOUR HANDS

"OH, I DON'T THINK SO."

[LAUGHTER]

THIS QUEER EYE SHOW IS COSTING

ME MONEY.

MY WIFE'S GETTING DECORATING

TIPS.

NOW, NOW SHE WANTS FENG SHUI,

EVER HEAR OF THIS FUNG SHUI,

FENG SHUI?

IT'S ANCIENT CHINESE WORD

WHICH MEANS, PUT YOUR HUSBANDS

CRAP IN THE GARAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M STARTING MY OWN SHOW,

YOU LOOK OUT FOR THIS SHOW.

IT'S CALLED, STRAIGHT EYE

FOR THE WHIPPED GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE FELLAS,

AND I'M HERE TO HELP!

I KNOW YOUR THERE, COME ON,

RAISE YOUR HAND IF THIS IS TRUE

FOR YOU.

IF THE NUMBER OF PILLOWS ON

YOUR BED EXCEEDS THE NUMBER OF

TIMES YOU'VE HAD SEX IN THAT

BED THIS MONTH, PLEASE RAISE

YOUR HAND.

[LAUGHTER]

LOOK.

THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,

WHIPPED GUYS.

LET'S HAVE A PILLOW COUNT.

HOW MANY PILLOWS IN YOUR BED?

>> ELEVEN.

Craig Shoemaker: ELEVEN PILLOWS?

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YOU NEED AND INTERVENTION,

MY FRIEND.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING A FORT?

ALL YOU NEED IS TWO FOR YOUR

HEAD, MAYBE ONE TO PROP YOUR

[BLEEP] UP, THAT'S ABOUT IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY'RE CALLED THROW PILLOWS

FOR A REASON, THROW THEM OUT,

MY FRIEND.

I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE,

YOU WHIPPED GUYS.

IF UPON ENTERING YOUR OWN HOME

YOU REMOVE YOUR SHOES,

YOU BETTER BE ASIAN OR YOU ARE

A WHIPASAURUS!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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