Craig Shoemaker: THIS IS SUCH
A NEW LIFE FOR ME THIS WHOLE
THING THOUGH, THE FAMILY THING.
TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF MY LIFE
IN A NUTSHELL, HOW DIFFERENT
IT IS.
I WAS WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS
THEY'RE HERE TONIGHT.
WE'RE AT THIS OUTDOOR CAFE HERE
IN NEW YORK.
THIS IS MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL.
THEY'RE CHECKING OUT EVERY WOMAN
THAT GOES BY.
MY FRIEND BOBBY GOES, "LOOK AT
THE RACK ON HER!"
I'M GOING, "LOOK AT THAT
STROLLER SHE'S PUSHING!
THAT'S A GREICO 2000."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I'M WITH MY SINGLE FRIENDS
I REALIZE ALL THEY TALK ABOUT
IS CONQUESTS.
CONQUESTS.
I'M WITH MY MARRIED FRIENDS NOW
I REALIZE WE HAVE NOTHING
TO DISCUSS.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT?
"GUESS WHAT GUYS?
I NAILED MY WIFE AGAIN LAST
NIGHT."
'THAT'S THREE TIMES THIS MONTH,
SHE'S A HO!"
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
THEY'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE
NEW CARS AND STUFF.
I PULL UP IN THE MINI VAN,
THE LOSER CRUISER.
[LAUGHTER]
THERE'S NO DENYING A MINI VAN.
THIS THINGS LIKE...
[SINGS CIRCUS MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I MIGHT AS WELL BE DRIVING
THE OSCAR MEYER WIENER MOBILE.
THERE IS GOOD NEWS ABOUT A
MINI VAN, I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU NEVER GET PULLED OVER IN A
MINI VAN.
YOU COULD HAVE A HOOKER STRAPPED
TO YOUR HOOD, DOING MOCK FIVE.
THE COPS WILL GO, "AH, LET HIM
GO.
HE'S SUFFERED ENOUGH FOR
GOD'S SAKES."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH MY WIFE, SHE'S THE
NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEM.
OUR WHOLE HOUSE, SHE TOOK OVER
THE WHOLE HOUSE.
SHE DECORATES THE WHOLE THING,
YA KNOW.
I MEAN, I LIKE DECORATING.
WHEN I WAS A BACHELOR, LIKE,
MY BACHELOR BATHROOM, I HAD
ONE TOWEL.
WHEN IT GOT HARD, I THREW IT OUT
AND BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE.
[LAUGHTER]
TRUE STORY.
NOW WE HAVE DECORATIVE TOWELS.
I USE THOSE, THAT'S THE
PENALTY BOX FOR THREE WEEKS.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN SHE'S
NOT AROUND?
I LOCK THAT BATHROOM DOOR
"HERE'S YOUR DECORATIVE TOWEL.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT.
I PAID FOR IT.
I'M GOING TO USE IT.
[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
THEN I FOLD IT AND PUT IT BACK.
JUST CONSIDER THAT IN CASE
YOU'RE EVER INVITED OVER THE
SHOEMAKER HOME.
YOU'LL BE WASHING YOUR HANDS
"OH, I DON'T THINK SO."
[LAUGHTER]
THIS QUEER EYE SHOW IS COSTING
ME MONEY.
MY WIFE'S GETTING DECORATING
TIPS.
NOW, NOW SHE WANTS FENG SHUI,
EVER HEAR OF THIS FUNG SHUI,
FENG SHUI?
IT'S ANCIENT CHINESE WORD
WHICH MEANS, PUT YOUR HUSBANDS
CRAP IN THE GARAGE.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M STARTING MY OWN SHOW,
YOU LOOK OUT FOR THIS SHOW.
IT'S CALLED, STRAIGHT EYE
FOR THE WHIPPED GUY.
[LAUGHTER]
I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE FELLAS,
AND I'M HERE TO HELP!
I KNOW YOUR THERE, COME ON,
RAISE YOUR HAND IF THIS IS TRUE
FOR YOU.
IF THE NUMBER OF PILLOWS ON
YOUR BED EXCEEDS THE NUMBER OF
TIMES YOU'VE HAD SEX IN THAT
BED THIS MONTH, PLEASE RAISE
YOUR HAND.
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK.
THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,
WHIPPED GUYS.
LET'S HAVE A PILLOW COUNT.
HOW MANY PILLOWS IN YOUR BED?
>> ELEVEN.
Craig Shoemaker: ELEVEN PILLOWS?
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YOU NEED AND INTERVENTION,
MY FRIEND.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING A FORT?
ALL YOU NEED IS TWO FOR YOUR
HEAD, MAYBE ONE TO PROP YOUR
[BLEEP] UP, THAT'S ABOUT IT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEY'RE CALLED THROW PILLOWS
FOR A REASON, THROW THEM OUT,
MY FRIEND.
I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE,
YOU WHIPPED GUYS.
IF UPON ENTERING YOUR OWN HOME
YOU REMOVE YOUR SHOES,
YOU BETTER BE ASIAN OR YOU ARE
A WHIPASAURUS!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]