Michael Ian Black - Not Ready

  • Season 3 , Ep 5
  • 08/17/2012
  • Views: 21,141

Michael Ian Black agrees to put a baby in his wife -- not literally. (2:34)

I thought I would tell you astory tonight,

uh, about my wife and mychildren.

"I thought he was gay!" No.

Married... to a lady... with apenis.

I have two children right now:

eight and eleven and,you know, they're fine.

Uh, well, they are, they'refine, you know, but I... yeah,

I love 'em but I have a lotof,

I have some lingeringresentment towards them,

particularly the older, myson,

whose name I cannot rememberbut...

And it's because when we hadhim,

I was not ready to be aparent.

I don't know that anybody isever fully ready.

I was not ready and this wasa couple of years after I got

married and my wife said,"you know what?

I think we shouldhave kids now."

And I said, "I also think weshould have kids not now."

And I wanted kids, youknow, but I wanted them in

a kind of abstract way like theway I might want a jukebox,

for example.

You know, like you're everreading,

like, "Sky Mall" or somethingand,

like, there's this amazingjukebox and you're like,

"oh, it's a classic jukeboxfrom the '50s.

"That's an amazing jukebox. Iwant to get that jukebox...

"someday."

That's how I was with kids.

And she was like, "but I'mgetting old and I don't

want to be an oldmom," and I'm like,

"but I'm the same age as youand I'm not getting old,

but I understood what shemeant because,

reproductively speaking,ladies,

you peak early.

You are the Frankie Muniz ofgenders.

So you just need to get itdone and because I love her,

I agreed to put a baby inher.

Not literally becauseI wouldn't do that

to her or the baby.

I mean, I don't have a baby,but if I did, I wouldn't

put it in her, not withoutthe proper tools, you guys.

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