I thought I would tell you astory tonight,
uh, about my wife and mychildren.
"I thought he was gay!" No.
Married... to a lady... with apenis.
I have two children right now:
eight and eleven and,you know, they're fine.
Uh, well, they are, they'refine, you know, but I... yeah,
I love 'em but I have a lotof,
I have some lingeringresentment towards them,
particularly the older, myson,
whose name I cannot rememberbut...
And it's because when we hadhim,
I was not ready to be aparent.
I don't know that anybody isever fully ready.
I was not ready and this wasa couple of years after I got
married and my wife said,"you know what?
I think we shouldhave kids now."
And I said, "I also think weshould have kids not now."
And I wanted kids, youknow, but I wanted them in
a kind of abstract way like theway I might want a jukebox,
You know, like you're everreading,
like, "Sky Mall" or somethingand,
like, there's this amazingjukebox and you're like,
"oh, it's a classic jukeboxfrom the '50s.
"That's an amazing jukebox. Iwant to get that jukebox...
That's how I was with kids.
And she was like, "but I'mgetting old and I don't
want to be an oldmom," and I'm like,
"but I'm the same age as youand I'm not getting old,
but I understood what shemeant because,
you peak early.
You are the Frankie Muniz ofgenders.
So you just need to get itdone and because I love her,
I agreed to put a baby inher.
Not literally becauseI wouldn't do that
to her or the baby.
I mean, I don't have a baby,but if I did, I wouldn't
put it in her, not withoutthe proper tools, you guys.