Pete Holmes - Not Manly

  • Season 14 , Ep 4
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 23,615

Pete Holmes likes to stand like a pregnant woman who is stirring chicken soup for a needy child. (3:01)

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS, BUT I'MKIND OF ALREADY LIKE A FUN DAD.

ARE YOU'RE GETTING THAT VIBE,

JUST THAT DORKY DADAT THE BARBECUE?

IT'S LIKE [HUMMING]

"FRESCA." THAT GUY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF WE GO TO A SHOPPING MALL,

I'M GONNA PLAYFULLY ASKA MANNEQUIN FOR DIRECTIONS.

FUN DAD.

I CAN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE CLEAR.

I HAVE A DORKY SENSE OF HUMOR.

FUN DAD KIND OF HUMOR.

I WAS CHECKING INTO A HOTELWITH LIKE-AGED GUYS.

WE WERE ALL IN OUR 20sAT THE TIME.

GUY BEHIND THE COUNTERAT THE HOTEL GOES,

"OKAY, ONE OF THE ROOMS WE HAVEIS A NONSMOKING QUEEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MOST PEOPLE SAY NOTHING.

FUN DAD GOES[Effeminate voice] "THAT'S ME!

"CIGARETTES -- GROSS!

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!"

[ Normal voice ] WHAT?!WHO MAKES THAT JOKE?

NOT A 30-YEAR-OLD GUYLIVING IN THE BIG APPLE.

I CALL IT THE "BIG APPLE."THAT'S PART OF THE PROBLEM.

IT'S NOT AN ACT, FOLKS.NOT AN ACT.

I EMBRACE IT, THOUGH.I DON'T GIVE A [BLEEP]

ON A KID'S BIRTHDAY,

INSTEAD OF GIVING HIM $20IN A BIRTHDAY CARD,

I'LL SHAKE HIS HAND,PUT THE $20 IN IT.

MAGIC FUN DAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ON A FISHING TRIP,I'LL LET A KID TRY BEER.

NOT EVEN MY KID, JUST LIKE,"I'D RATHER YOU DO IT WITH ME."

FUN DAD.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL, THOUGH.

THERE'S A THIN LINE BETWEENFUN DAD AND CREEPY UNCLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M NOT A MANLY GUY, EITHER.

I DON'T KNOWIF YOU CAN TELL THAT.

I'M NOT.I'M NOT A MANLY GUY.

I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT'SLIKE [Deep voice] "OH, YEAH.

LET'S GO EAT SOME HAMON THE BONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ Normal voice ]FURTHER ILLUSTRATED BY THE FACTTHAT THAT'S MY EXAMPLE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...OF WHAT MEN ARE DOING --

EATING HAM ON THE BONE.

LIKE THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"THAT GUY PROBABLYTAKES IT OFF THE BONE."

BUT I'M NOT MANLY.

PART OF THE PROBLEM -- I REALLYLIKE TO STAND LIKE THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CAN LAUGH IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM KNOWS

THIS IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE WAYTO STAND.

BUT MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO STANDTHIS WAY,

WHICH IS [BLEEP]

LOOK AT MY BODY.

LOOK AT THIS FLESH SHELFTHE LORD HAS BLESSED ME WITH.

I WILL USE IT.

I WANT TO STANDLIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN,

STIRRING CHICKEN SOUPFOR A NEEDY CHILD.

THIS WAY."YOU WILL MEND, BOY," LIKE THIS.

NOT THE MANLY WAY,LIKE A SUPERHERO.

[ IMITATES FANFARE ]

[ Deep voice ] "WHAT A HARD DAYOF HAM AND BONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M GONNA RELAX NOW."

[ Normal voice ]NOTHING IS THERE.

WHAT IS THERE?OH, I'M RELA-- NOTHING IS THERE.

I EVEN LOOK GAY WHEN I DO THAT.IT'S LIKE JAZZ HANDS.

[ Effeminate voice ]NOTHING IS THERE.

NOTHING!

[ Normal voice ] I DON'T WANTTHE "LET'S CHOP FIREWOOD" WAY.

I WANT THE "LET'S BAKE A CAKE"WAY.

AND CLOSE-MINDED PEOPLE SAYTHAT MAKES ME LOOK GAY.

I'M NOT.

I LIKE SEX WITH WOMENAND STANDING LIKE THIS...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...EQUALLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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