Marc Maron - Don't Know How To

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 01/29/2010
  • Views: 15,416

Marc Maron just needs a phone that can make a sound and holds the numbers of his two friends. (2:46)

OH, MAYBE I SHOULD TAKEMY NICOTINE GUM OUT.

(laughter)

(applause)

YEAH, I KNOW,I HAVE A LOT OF THOSE

SITTING AROUNDMY APARTMENT,

AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOWWHAT IT IS ARE LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL'SWITH ALL THE GUM, DUDE?"

AND ALL I CAN SAY IS,"NO, NO, NO,

"THERE'S STILL STUFFIN THAT ONE.

"THERE'S STILL THE JUICE THATMAKES ME FEEL ALIVE AND GROUNDED

WITHIN THAT GUM."

YOU KNOW,I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE

WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN ADDICTEDTO ANYTHING

'CAUSE THEY'RETHE REAL LOSERS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE THEY JUST DON'T KNOWWHAT IT'S LIKE

TO REALLY WANT SOMETHING...

AND GET IT AGAIN AND AGAINAND AGAIN

UNTIL THEY'RE SICKAND HAVE TO STOP.

THAT'S PASSION.

HOLD ON, LET ME JUSTTWEET WHERE I AM.

(laughter)

ON STAGE...COMEDY CENTRAL TAPING...

AUDIENCE SEEMS TENTATIVE...

(laughter)

JUDGMENTAL...

BUT SCREW THEM,LOL.

I DIDN'T REALLY DO THATBECAUSE

(raises voice)I DON'T KNOW HOW TO!

(cheers and applause)

I DON'T KNOWWHAT THIS PHONE DOES.

DOES--I DO--DOES ANYONE KNOWWHAT THEIRS DOES?

SERIOUSLY,IT COMES WITH A BOOK,

BUT I CAN'T GET THROUGHTHAT BOOK.

EVERY BOOK JUST EVENTUALLYTURNS INTO, LIKE,

A MATH TEXT TO ME.

IT'S LIKE,"OH, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

HOW DO I PICK A SOUNDAND PUT MY TWO FRIENDS IN?"

I'M GOOD.

(laughter)

ALL RIGHT,LAUGH AT MY TWO FRIENDS.

GO AHEAD, LAUGH.

LIKE YOU HAVE MORE?

I HATE PEOPLE THAT SAY,"I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS."

YOU DON'T.

YOU HAVE A LOT OF SHALLOWRELATIONSHIPS

WITH PEOPLE THAT TALKBEHIND YOUR BACK.

AND YOU CALL THAT DRAMAA LIFE,

'CAUSE YOU'RE BOREDAT YOUR JOBS.

(laughter)

THAT IS NOT MY LIFE.

ALL I NEED ARE TWO.

I NEED THE MAIN GUY,AND THE GUY I GO TO

WHEN I DRAIN THE MAIN GUY,THAT'S IT.

(laughter)

'CAUSE I AM A PANICKY,ANGRY MAN.

I MAKE CALLS LIKE THIS--"DUDE, I'M LOSING MY MIND!

"NO, I'M HAVING A BREAKDOWNOR SOMETHING.

"I'M SERIOUS--OH, YOU'RE TIRED?

ALL RIGHT, TAKE THE DAY OFF.I'LL CALL THE OTHER GUY."

(laughter)

"DUDE, I'M LOSING MY MIND!

"NO, FOR RE--NO, NO, NO,IT'S YOUR DAY.

"IT'S YOUR DAY.

SO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, FRIENDO.DO IT."

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