Uncensored - Dane Cook - Deciphering Emojis

Dane Cook: Troublemaker Season 1, Ep 1 01/25/2015 Views: 27,090

Dane Cook does not understand why there are emojis for things that nobody should ever need to say. (2:37)


Girls, you love your littleemojis.

Oh my goodness.


You can-- you can stopwith those, at any time.

It's-- you ever try to readgirl texts to each other,

that they send?

You can't!

You can't.

It's all emoji.

It's like Egyptianhieroglyphics.

You can't decipher it.

Nobody knows.

Only the Illuminati knowswhat the [bleep] girls are

sending back andforth to each other.


Fans of "The Illuminati," I see.

I didn't even knowwhat most of them are.

Several of the emojis--this bothers me, too.

Many of them arevery, very tiny.

You need to wear likea jeweler's eye-- oh!

That's a-- that's afrog with a broken leg.

Um-- oh!

And his friend signed his cast.

Get hoppin, hoppy!

That's adorable.

I don't know whatthis means in my life.


There's several like that.

There's only a couple of emojisthat I really understand.

And then the rest don't-- Idon't know who's using them.

A couple-- the couple,like the big yellow face.

That make sense.

A big smiley.


You want to go to movies?

(FEMALE VOICE) Yeah! [inaudible]I love [inaudible] let's go!



That makes sense.

Or the one with theblushing, shy cheeks.

I have my period, I don'twant to do anything!


Feels like there's ajavelin in my vagina.


I just want to eat salt on salt.

Salt on salt crime.

Those are the only twoI really understand.

The rest-- is anybodyhere using the emoji

wearing a surgical mask?


Who is that for?

Is that in case you haveto quarantine a small city

suddenly after an outbreakof-- where's the hazmat emoji?

I need to-- the flagof Finland is in there.

Anybody using the flagof [bleep] Finland?

Hey guys, guess where I am?


Someone had a Groupon.

Two days, one night.

See you bitches yesterday!




There's a needle withblood just in the air!

You should neverbe in a situation

where that emojidescribes-- first

of all, that is very unsanitary.

You do realize that?

Just blood is coming out.

Where are you that you're--hey, I'm at a party.

You guys, you gotta come by.

They just handed out syringes.

We're just squirtin' ourblood all over the place.

Come on by, day walkers.

This is a--