Keegan-Michael Key - Picking Up a Crackhead - Uncensored

Brain on Drugs 01/22/2015 Views: 52,026

Keegan-Michael Key gets more than he bargained for when he decides to give a stranger a ride. (7:28)

Mr. Keegan-Michael Key,everybody.

[cheers and applause]

I'm from Detroit.

[scattered applause]

Good night!

No, I'm kidding.

So one day in 1990,

I was driving my 1976Buick LeSabre down the street.

I had a 1976 Buick LeSabre.

It got 400 feetto the gallon.

And I was on the north sideof 8 Mile Road.

You guys saw 8 Mile with Eminem?

Okay, and there was a dudestanding in the parking lot,

and he comes up to my car,and this guy--

He's just looking rugged,like, looking rough.

He looked like a crossbetween, like, a--

like, a beaten golden retrieverand sad Gary Busey.

It was--

So anyway, something cameover me, like the angel.

There was an angelsitting on my shoulder,

and the angel spoke into my earand said,

"This is the day that you'regonna make a difference.

"You're not gonna just give hima dollar.

"You're gonna doonto others today.

Do it for this guy."I said, "Okay, all right.

"I'm north of 8 Mile.I'm good to go.

"I'm gonna helpthis mother[bleep].

I'm gonna help this guy."

And the guys comes up,and he's like,

"Hey, man,I swear, man,

"if you could just help me outfor a second.

"If you could just--there's a church,

"like, just a mile northof here,

"and I know some guysat the church.

"And if you couldjust drop me off,

"there's a shelter there, man.I really appreciate it.

That's all I'm asking you to do.God bless you, God bless you."

I'm like, "That's good.That's fine.

He's not asking for money."

Get in the car.

So we get in the car,

and I'm asking himabout himself,

and his name is "Jeff."

We're gonna call him Jeff.

And we were driving down,and all of a sudden,

we're driving,and I'm asking him,

"How did you fallon hard times?"

He's telling me his story.Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da.

And then I realizedwe're driving south,

and I was just like,"That's another thing, Jeff--

Oh, [bleep],I'm south of 8 Mile!"

And so I got south of 8 Mile,and we pull over,

and he's like,"Just wait right here.

"Just wait right here.I'll be right back.

I promise.I'll be right back."

So Jeff gets out of the car,and for like a minute--

for, like, a minute,I just see him going,

and he's walkingaround the church

and back and back again.

He's like,"Just give me one second."

And then he's back around here,and he goes into a house, okay?

Right then, that's the momentI should've driven away

as fast as possible,

but that angeldeafeningly screamed in my ear,

"Just help someone,you [bleep] 19-year-old

"with your trench coat,

looking likeyou're in Lost Boys."

Right at that momentis when I should've driven away,

but I didn't.

I didn't.I'm gonna help this guy.

I'm gonna be a Good Samaritanif it kills me.

I get out of my car--me, Corey Feldman--

and I go, and I open upthe trunk of my car,

and I get out a tire iron,and then I close the trunk,

and I'm leaningagainst the trunk of the car

with my tire iron

like--like everybodywithin a two-mile square radius

doesn't have a handgun.

What am I gonna dowith my tire iron?

I'm gonna--

[imitating bullets ricocheting]

So he comes back.Jeff comes back.

And he's walkingtowards my car.

He's walking towards my carlike this,

and he's really in a hurry.

And he gets up to me,and he goes,

"Oh, man, what's going onwith the tire iron?"

I said, "Just, you know,protection for myself

just in case anything--any shit went down."

And he goes, "Oh, man, that's--Whoo, you had me nervous there

"for a second,'cause I was back there,

and things did not go well."

And so we got backin the car,

and we're drivingdown the street.

I said, "Did not go well.What happened, Jeff?"

And he goes, "Oh, yeah,I was in that house

"talking to a dude,and then he hit me

with an aluminumbaseball bat."

So I was like,"Oh, shit."

And so he's like,"Oh, no, no, stop here,

stop here, stop here,"and I'm like,

"Okay, this is the timewhen I'm gonna"--

"Okay, Jeff,I think it's time.

It's timeto get out of the car."

But we look across the street,and across the street,

there's this house,and there's a kid

standing on the house.

He's got one of these huge,

like, triple-fatgoose down jackets, a white one.

He looked likethe Michelin man,

like a black Michelin man.

And he was standing here,this kid,

and he comes upto the car.

He looks in my window,and he's like,

"What's going on, Jeff?What's up?"

And Jeff says--Jeff says,

"I'll be backin a couple of hours.

"If you could just help me outright now,

"I'll be backin a couple of hours.

I'll have four VCRs."

Now, here's me.I'm like, "Four V--What?"

So kid goes back upto the porch,

and he's on the porch like this,and he goes--

And then there'sa drain pipe here,

and my boyreaches down like this

and puts his handin the drain pipe, right,

takes his hand out, comes--

saunters backacross the street to my car,

presents crack cocaineto Jeff.

So, you know,crack cocaine's, like, here.

I'm like,"I've never seen that before."

And he goes,"So I'll be back

in about two hourswith four VCRs."

So, guys, if you ever finda time machine

and go back in time to 1990and you want to buy crack,

the ratio from crack rockto VCR is one to one, okay?

And as the kid backs upfrom my car,

he's like, "All right, Jeff.All right, Jeff."

And he brusheshis jacket back,

and there's nickel-plated.45 caliber in his pocket,

so I'm just like,

"I'm the dumbest personin the world."

And so--And thenI got really stern, guys,

and I said,"Jeff, this is it.

"I have to be at play practicein two hours.

"I'm stage managing Early One Evening

at the Rainbow Bar and Grill."

So he--So anyway,Jeff is rummaging around

on the floor of my car,grabs a soda can,

then rummages aroundon the floor of my car,

grabs a paper clip, okay?

Paper clip.

And he starts, like,doing a hole

in the topof the can, okay?

So he's making a holein the top of the can.

So I'm sitting here,and I'm just like,

"Oh, man, I can't--

"If I can getin this parking lot,

I can just get Jeffout of here."

I turn and look.

My man Jeffis scrooched down in my car,

just smoking crack,just smoking crack.

[smacking lips]

This guy looks at me and goes,"Hope you don't mind."

I get to Coolidge Road.It feels like it took six years.

And, guys, I only had two hours.I had to get to play practice.

And he gets out of the car,and he's like,

"Thanks so much, man.I really appreciate it, man.

Appreciate it so much.God bless."

I'm like, "Get--You really needto get out of the car, Jeff.

"I need to jettison youout of the vehicle.

I need you gone."

And he leaves,and I--

You know, I go onwith the rest of my life,

and I encountered him, you know,later in my life one time.

And I saw himwalking in my neighborhood,

and that little angelon my shoulder is like,

"Hey, there's Jeff.

Maybe we should give himone more try."

And I said,"Hey, angel, f--k off."

Thank you so much, everybody.Appreciate it.

[cheers and applause]