Mark Normand - Gay Bars

  • Season 3 , Ep 1
  • 07/20/2012
  • Views: 21,333

Mark Normand can't get mad at someone because they may find him attractive. (2:40)

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'M IN A BIT OF A WEIRDPLACE RIGHT NOW. UH.

I BUMPED INTO THE EX-GIRLFRIENDON THE STREET RECENTLY.

I WASN'T READY FOR THAT ONE.

SHE LOOKED GREAT.

SHE WAS THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY.

WE DATED FOR SIX YEARS.

SHE DUMPED ME OUT OF THE BLUE

'CAUSE SHE SAIDI WASN'T MANLY ENOUGH FOR HER.

AND AT THAT TIMEI LIKED HER SO MUCH,

I WAS LIKE,"I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,

WORK OUT, JOIN THE ARMY,HIT YOU?

WHATEVER YOU NEED,I'LL DO IT."

SHE WAS LIKE, "LOOK,I JUST NEED A MANLIER GUY.

I WAS LIKE, "TELL ME WHATYOU WANT AND I'LL DO IT."

SHE'S LIKE, "ALRIGHT, FINE.

I WANT A GUY WHO WILL PAYFOR EVERYTHING,

SUPPORT ME FINANCIALLY,ALWAYS DRIVE,

ALWAYS OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME,PROTECT ME."

I'M LIKE, "LET ME STOP YOURIGHT THERE--NOT A MAN"

GOOD LORD, OF COURSEYOU WANNA DATE THAT GUY.

THAT GUY SOUNDS AMAZING.

I WOULD DATE THAT GUY,YOU KNOW.

MY FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,"HEY, MARK, ARE YOU GAY NOW?"

I'M LIKE, HOLD ON,YOU HAVEN'T MET JEFF.

(laughter)

THIS GUY IS INCREDIBLE.

HE ALREADY BEAT UPMY HIGH SCHOOL BULLY,

PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS.

WE'RE GETTINGLOBSTER TONIGHT.

GOD, HE TREATS ME WELL,

BUT THE SEX IS BRUTAL.

(laughter)

BRUTAL SEX.

I AM IN A LOT OF PAIN HERE.I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

I'VE BEEN GOING TOA LOT OF GAY BARS LATELY

BECAUSE MY FRIENDWORKS AT ONE.

SO I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT THERE,

AND MY GUY FRIENDSARE BLOWN AWAY BY THIS.

THEY'RE LIKE,"DUDE, YOU GO TO GAY BARS?

THAT IS WEIRD.

IF SOME GAY GUY EVER HIT ON ME,I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO."

HOW ABOUT YOU JUSTNOT HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

YOU KNOW.

I NEVER GOT THAT, YOU KNOW.

YOU'RE MAD AT SOMEBODY BECAUSETHEY MIGHT FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.

LIKE I'M NOT ATTRACTEDTO 90-YEAR-OLD WOMEN,

BUT IF ONE OF THEM PINCHED ONTHE CHEEK AND WAS LIKE,

"OH, MARK, YOU'RE SO CUTE,"I WOULDN'T BE LIKE,

"GET THE (bleep) OFF ME,BITCH!

I'LL KILL YA!"

(laughter)

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU GUYS.

I KIND OF LIKE GOINGTO GAY BARS.

YOU KNOW, GAY GUYS, AH...THEY MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, LIKE LAST TIMEI WENT TO A GAY BAR,

SOME GUY THERETOLD ME I HAD PRETTY EYES.

THAT'S AMAZING.

NO WOMAN'S EVER TOLD ME THAT,YOU KNOW?

THIS GUY APPRECIATED ME FORMY LOOKS FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE,

AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LIKEIF I WANNA GET WITH A GIRL,

I'VE GOTTA USEMY PERSONALITY.

AND I'VE GOTTA BE HONEST,LADIES,

I'M GETTING REALLY SICKOF HAVING TO BRING IT

IN EVERY CONVERSATION,YOU KNOW?

IT WAS NICE JUSTTO BE ABLE TO KICK BACK

AND COAST ON THESE BEAUTIESFOR A MINUTE.

IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

THAT WAS FOR YOU, GAY.

UM--(laughter)

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