Richard Lewis - Safe Sex

Carol Siskind & Len Austrevich Season 1, Ep 20 02/24/1992 Views: 2,579

Condom wrappers are hard to open. (2:59)

AND I HATE TO MAKE A CHEAP SEGUE

BECAUSE I'M NOTA CHEAP KIND OF GUY, BUT...

YOU KNOW, IT'S HARDTO BE HOT NOW.

I USED TO BE HOT IN COLLEGE,IN THE '60s.

IN COLLEGE, IT WAS SO EASY,TO MAKE LOVE.

BOOM! THE CLOTHES ARE OFF.

BINGO, BANGO!

LIKE ANIMALS, YOU KNOW?

A GIRAFFE WOULD MAKE LOVETO A BEAR, SCRATCH HIS ASS

THAT'S THE END OF IT.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO--I JUST-- CONDOMS--

KIDS, IF YOU'RE UP LATE--IF YOU'RE UP EARLY--

I DON'T KNOW WHENTHIS SHOW WILL BE ON--

YOU KNOW, BUT IT TAKES--I'M OLD.

I'M AN OLD JEW.

THE CONDOMS SHOULD COME INTHOSE ZIP-LOCK THINGS, QUICKLY.

I CAN'T-- IT TAKES ME HOURS.

I GO, "LISTEN, YOU ALWAYSWANTED TO GO TO LAW SCHOOL.

"GO TO LAW SCHOOLFOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

I'LL BE READY THEN," BECAUSE IJUST CAN'T OPEN THOSE THINGS UP.

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST--

I THINK SAFE SEX IS...

WELL, IT'S IMPORTANT

BUT I-- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDGET THE BEST CONDOMS AVAILABLE

YOU KIDS, WATCHING,IF YOU'RE UP TONIGHT

AND I HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

I GOT-- NEVER AGAIN--I GOT SOME CONDOMS

THAT WERE RIBBEDWITH INCONCLUSIVE CASE STUDIES

WHICH I FELT WERE REALLY...

BUT I WEAR-- I MEAN, I--

WAY BEFORE IT WAS VERYIMPORTANT, YOU KNOW, TO WATCH--

YOU KNOW, TO PROTECT YOURSELF,I WORE EAR CONDOMS.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LISTENTO WHAT I MIGHT BE CONTRACTING.

SERIOUSLY.

YOU COULD GET ANYTHING--

YEAST INFECTION, WHAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DOWITH SOURDOUGH STARTER?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

DO YOU GO TO A DOCTOR,DO YOU GO TO A BAKER?

WHAT HAPPENED?

I TRIED PHONE SEX AND, UH...

I DON'T KNOW, IT DIDN'T...

I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC, AND...LOOK, I GOT AN EAR INFECTION.

( laughter, scattered applause )

AND I WAS DATING A COMEDIENNE

AND-- NOT YOU, CAROL-- WE HADA LITTLE SEXUAL TALK BACKSTAGE

BUT I WOULD NEVER SUGGEST HAVINGPHONE SEX WITH A COMEDIAN

BECAUSE-- I MEAN, I WASREALLY GETTING INTO IT

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN--"QUICK, PUT ON NICKELODEON.

THERE'S A GREAT MR. ED ON."

OH, GOD, I'M...

WHICH WAS A DRAG,YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, IT'S HARD.

IT'S A TOUGH TIME NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

YOU GO TO A SINGLES BAR,YOU WALK IN

AND YOU CAN'T BELIKE CARY GRANT--

NOT THAT THAT'S CARY GRANT.

I MEAN, THAT COULD HAVE BEENMIGHTY JOE YOUNG, LET'S FACE IT.

AND WHAT DO YOU SAY TO SOMEONE?

YOU KNOW, I'M...

HEY, I... YOU'RE HOT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M HOT,BUT I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU

AND I'M JUST CURIOUS--YES, TWO DAIQUIRIS--

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING AT ALLTHAT RHYMES WITH "WERPES"?

I'M JUST CURIOUS?

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU DO?SERIOUSLY?

YOU GET HOME AT NIGHT

YOU GET UNDRESSED, YOU...

"LISTEN, I DON'T MEANTO BE DISRESPECTFUL

"BUT BEFORE WE MAKE LOVE,CAN WE JUST BOIL OURSELVES?

IS THAT ALL RIGHT?"