Demetri Martin - Harmonica

Demetri Martin. Person. Season 1, Ep 101 01/13/2007 Views: 101,210

After locating his harmonica, Demetri Martin reveals the best way to begin a conversation as well as the best way to end a conversation. (5:09)

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FORGOT MY HARMONICA. DAMN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'LL GET IT...

THE COOL WAY.

[ BELLS CHIME ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ BELL CHIMES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HARMONICA PLAYS ]

THERE'S A STORE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

CALLED "FUTON WORLD."

I LOVE THAT NAME -- "FUTON WORLD."

MAKES ME THINK OF A MAGICAL PLACE

THAT BECOMES LESS COMFORTABLE OVER TIME.

[ HARMONICA PLAYS, BELLS CHIME ]

WHENEVER I USE MY COMPUTER, I DON'T TYPE "LOL."

I TYPE "LQTM" --

"LAUGH QUIETLY TO MYSELF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S MORE HONEST.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO SOUND LIKE A CREEP,

JUST ADD THE WORD "LADIES" TO THE END OF THINGS THAT YOU SAY.

YOU SOUND LIKE A CREEP -- COULD BE HARMLESS, TOO.

LIKE, "THANKS FOR COMING TO MY SHOW...

LADIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HELP, I'VE FALLEN INTO A WELL, AND I'M TRAPPED...

LADIES."

IT'S LIKE A JACUZZI WITH REALLY HIGH WALLS.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

WENT INTO THIS CLOTHING STORE --

THE LADY WORKING THERE, SHE GOT MAD AT ME.

SHE SAID, "WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?"

I SAID "ACTUAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THIS AIN'T A TRICK, BABY."

SHE WAS AMAZING. I NEVER MET A WOMAN LIKE HER BEFORE.

SHE SHOWED ME TO THE DRESSING ROOM.

SHE SAID,"IF YOU NEED ANYTHING...

I'M JILL."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I NEVER MET A WOMAN BEFORE WITH A CONDITIONAL IDENTITY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WHAT IF I DON'T NEED ANYTHING? WHO ARE YOU?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"IF YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING, I'M MIKE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

A QUICK WAY TO START A CONVERSATION

IS TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?"

QUICK WAY TO END A CONVERSATION

IS TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR...

PERSON?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LIKE VIDEO GAMES,BUT THEY'RE VERY VIOLENT.

I WANT TO DESIGN A VIDEO GAME

IN WHICH YOU HAVE TO TAKE CAREOF ALL THE PEOPLE

WHO'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE OTHER GAMES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HEY, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING?"

"SUPER-BUSY HOSPITAL."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.

"I'M PERFORMING SURGERY ON A MAN

WHO WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD 57 TIMES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOMEBODY ASKS YOU THE QUESTION, "ARE YOU TICKLISH?"

DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU SAY "YES" OR "NO."

THEY'RE GOING TO TOUCH YOU.

IF THEY SAY, "ARE YOU TICKLISH?"

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BETOUCHED,

YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE...

"I HAVE DIARRHEA.

AND YES."

[ BELLS CHIME ]

"I'M VERY TICKLISH."

[ BELL CHIMES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]