Mario Cantone - Steampipe Alley

  • Season 2 , Ep 9
  • 07/16/1999
  • Views: 4,030

Mario is big; it's the kid shows that got small. (3:17)

AH, FROM A CHILDREN'S SHOWTO MY OWN SPECIAL.

I HAD A CHILDREN'S SHOW,YOU KNOW?

YES, YOU REMEMBER IT, HUH?

YEP, IT WAS CALLED STEAMPIPE ALLEY.

IT WAS ON FOR FIVE YEARS.

FIVE YEARS WITH CHILDREN.

FIVE YEARS OF BOOZE AND DOPE.

UGH! AND PEOPLE ALL THE TIME:

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHOW?"

IT WAS CALLED STEAMPIPE ALLEY.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHOW?"

THEY NEVER GET IT RIGHT.

"DIDN'T YOU DO THAT SHOW, STOVETOP STUFFING?"

"HEY, THERE'S THAT GUYFROM BUNGHOLE ALLEY.

YEAH, IT WAS A PORNO FILM."

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S GOINGTO BE IT, THOUGH.

THAT'S THE ONLY THINGI'M EVER GOING TO HAVE

IS A KID'S SHOW--THAT'LL BE IT.

I'LL END UP LIKE A BIG HAS-BEENIN A BIG MANSION

WITH A BALD SERVANT

LIKE NORMA DESMONDIN SUNSET BOULEVARD

JUST GOING "MAX, PUT INTHE STEAMPIPE ALLEY TAPES.

"I WANT TO WATCH MYSELF.

"REWIND IT, MAX.

"I WANT TO SEE IT AGAINAND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

"I'M FUNNIERTHAN THAT STUPID LITTLE KID.

"WHY DO THEY CUT AWAY FROM ME?

I AM BIG. IT'S THE KID'S SHOWSTHAT GOT SMALLER."

YOU KNOW WHAT I DIDTO THE KIDS ON THE SHOW?

I USED TO TORTURE THEM.

I USED TO MAKE THEM RECREATE

THE SCHOOLYARD SCENEIN THE BIRDS.

THE GRANDCHILDREN!

( making pecking sounds )

ISN'T THAT A SCARY SCENE?

UGH! IT'S SO HORRIFYINGBECAUSE, YOU KNOW

THE KIDS ARE, LIKE,IN THE SCHOOLYARD

AND THOSE BIG CROWS AREGATHERING ON THE JUNGLE GYM

AND I'M, LIKE, "WHY DID HE HAVETHEM ATTACK THESE POOR KIDS?

WHY THE POOR KIDS?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHYTHE POOR KIDS.

BECAUSE, IF YOU REMEMBER,AS THE CROWS ARE GATHERING

THEY HAVE TO LISTEN TO THATRIDICULOUSLY REPETITIVE SONG

THE KIDS WERE SINGINGIN THE CLASSROOM.

IT WAS LIKE...

♪ NIPPLETY, NOPPLETY,CLIPPITY, CLAPPITY ♪

♪ WILLICKY, WOLLICKY,NOW, NOW-NOW. ♪

( pecking sounds )

♪ I WENT TO TOWNTO SEE MY WIFE ♪

♪ NIPPLETY, NOPPLETY,CLIPPITY, CLAPPITY ♪

♪ HOBBLE-DO, WOBBLEDY,CRACKITY, SACKITY, LICKITY ♪

♪ ( bleep ) NOW, NOW-NOW ♪

♪ I WENT TO TOWNTO SEE MY WIFE ♪

♪ CRACKITY, SACKITY,LICKITY, SNICKITY ♪

♪ SUCKITY, WUCKITY, PISSITY,WISSITY, ASSITY, WASSITY ♪

♪ DUMPITY, WUMPITY, ( bleep ),SUCKITY, WUCKITY, NOW, NOW-NOW ♪

♪ I WENT TO...

AND THE BIRDS WENT, LIKE,"SHUT UP!"

AND THEY ATTACK THEM.

AND SUZANNE PLESHETTEWAS THE ALCOHOLIC SCHOOLTEACHER.

SHE GOES "RUN, CHILDREN, RUN!"

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE CAREOF HER CLASS.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TAKERESPONSIBILITY.

SHE WENT INTO HER HOUSE

WHICH IS NEXT DOORTO THE SCHOOLYARD.

SHE'S, LIKE, "( bleep ).SCREW YOU! RUN FOR YOURSELF!

I NEED A DRINK!"

SHE DIDN'T CARE.

♪ NIPPLETY, NOPPLETY,NOW, NOW-NOW. ♪

THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM SCARYANYMORE, DO THEY?

THE SCARY MOVIES.

THEY JUST DON'T.THEY REALLY DON'T.

LIKE, CARRIE WASA GREAT SCARY MOVIE.

CARRIE 2? HELLACIOUS.

HORRIBLE. THE WORST.DON'T EVEN TRY IT, OKAY?

'CAUSE THE FIRST ONEWITH PIPER LAURIE?

REMEMBER PIPER LAURIE,THE MOTHER?

SHE WAS, LIKE...

"I SHOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELFTHE FIRST TIME HE PUT IT IN ME."

WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED,BUT WE NEVER DID.

AND THEN HE CAME AT ME

WITH THIS DRUNKEN,ROTHOUSE WHISKEY BREATH

AND HIS HANDS ALL OVER ME.

AND I LIKED IT!

I LIKED IT!

THEY'RE ALL GOINGTO LAUGH AT YOU!

THEY'RE ALL GOINGTO LAUGH AT YOU!

SHE WAS GOOD.

SHE WAS BRILLIANT.

Loading...