DC Curry - Mama's Backhand

  • Season 3 , Ep 12
  • 08/24/2000
  • Views: 14,135

The backhand of D.C.'s mama can cure diseases. (3:13)

A LOT OF COMMON SENSE.

MY MAMA DIDN'T HAVEA LOT OF FANCY MEDICINE.

YOU DIDN'T NEED IT;MY MAMA HAD A BACKHAND.

THAT'S WHAT SHE RAISED US WITH,JUST A SWIFT BACKHAND.

NO RITALIN, PERCODAN, PROZACTO CALM YOU DOWN.

SHE BACKHANDED YOU,

AND WHATEVER WAS WRONG WITH YOU,YOU GOT OVER IT.

EVEN IF YOU WERE SICK,

YOU STARTED FEELING BETTERONCE MAMA BACKHANDED YOU.

SHE SLAPPED YOUWITH A KNUCKLE SANDWICH.

MY MAMA DIDN'T KNOWWHAT FANCY TERMS WERE.

WASN'T NO MUSCULAR SCLEROSISAND THAT.

YOU WERE JUST ACTING BAD.

YOU COULDN'T BLAME--

YOU COULDN'T BLAME ACTING BADON ANY SOCIAL INCONSISTENCIES.

YOU WERE JUST A BAD CHILD.

THERE WERE GOOD CHILDRENAND BAD CHILDREN.

THAT'S ALL THERE WAS TO IT.

AND A BACKHANDWOULD HEAL ANYTHING.

MY KINDERGARTEN TEACHER WASTHE FIRST ONE TO RECOGNIZE

SOMETHING WASN'T QUITE RIGHTWITH ME,

AND SHE CALLED MY MAMA.

SAID, "MRS. CURRY,WE SENDING D.C. TO THE HOUSE.

WE THINK HE'S RETARDED."

MY MAMA DIDN'T KNOWWHAT RETARDED MEANT.

SHE SAID, "SEND HIM ON HOME.

I BET HE WON'T BE RETARDEDTOMORROW."

MY MAMA HAD A BACKHAND THATWOULD CURE MOST DISEASES.

IT CURED A COMMON COLD,

AND IT WOULD CUREMOST BIRTH DEFECTS.

WE HAD SOME BIRTH DEFECTS.

I DON'T KNOW IF MAMA AND DADDYWERE RELATED OR WHAT,

BUT SOMETHING WAS WRONGWITH EVERY CHILD IN MY FAMILY.

YOU'D THINK ONE OF USWOULD COME OUT NORMAL,

BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

MY SISTER WAS CROSS--WELL, SHE WAS CRISS-CROSS-EYED,

BECAUSE THE EYES WENT CROSS.

THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY CAME BACKAND CROSSED AGAIN.

SHE COULD SEE 'ROUND THE CORNEROF A BUILDING.

YOU WOULD THINK MY MAMA WOULDTAKE HER TO AN OPTOMETRIST.

"EYE DOCTOR--WHAT'S THAT?"

MY MAMA JUST LOOKEDAT MY SISTER AND SAID,

"YOU GOT ONE MORE TIMETO ROLL THAT EYE AT ME."

MY SISTER SAID,"I AIN'T TRYING TO ROLL IT.

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME."

NY MAMA BACKHANDED MY SISTER37 YEARS AGO.

MY SISTER CAN SEE STRAIGHTERTHAN ANYBODY IN HERE.

I WAS CRIPPLED;I WAS BORN LIKE THAT.

JUST FOUND OUT THE OTHER DAY.

MY TAILORWAS MEASURING MY LEGS.

HE SAID, "ONE OF YOUR LEGSIS A INCH SHORTER."

I SAID, "I KNEW THERE WASSOMETHING WRONG WITH MY ASS."

TRIED TO TELL MY MAMA.

SHE THOUGHT I WAS PIMPING;NOW I'M LIMPING.

"SOMETHING'S WRONGWITH ME, MAMA."

YOU'D THINK THEY'D TAKE MEDOWN TO THE FOOT DOCTOR.

I'VE SEEN FOLKS LIKE THIS.

YOU BUY ONE LITTLE SHOEAND ONE GREAT BIG SHOE

TO HELP THEM WALK BETTER.

MY MAMA JUST TOLD ME,"YOU GOT ONE MORE TIME

TO LIMP YOUR ASS IN THE MALLAND EMBARRASS ME,"

AND BACKHANDED ME.

YOU CAN'T EVEN TELLI'M CRIPPLED NOW.

MY BABY BROTHERHAD A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.

WASN'T BUTABOUT FIVE MONTHS OLD.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BESPEAKING YET NO WAY,

BUT GOT TO HURRY UP AND GROW UPWHERE I LIVED.

WHEN HE COULDN'T FIGURE OUTWHAT HE WANTED,

HE'D HAVE A FITAND START THROWING STUFF,

GO INTO A TEMPER TANTRUM.

I SAW MAMA APPROACHING HIM.

I SAID, "HE'S GONNA GETA BAD ASS-WHIPPING.

"YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU COULDCRAWL BACK UP IN MAMA'S WOMB

WHEN SHE FINISHED."

SHE GOT TO HIMAND PICKED HIM UP AND CHOKED HIM

AND, "SAY WHATEVER THE HELLYOU'RE TRYING TO SAY.

"I DON'T HAVE THE TIMENOR THE PATIENCE TO RAISE YOU.

"IT'S EIGHT YEARS 'TWEEN YOUAND THE NEXT CHILD IN LINE.

JUST LOOK AT THEMAND ACT LIKE THEY ACTING."

BACKHANDED MY BABY BROTHER.

FIVE MONTHS OLD,HE ROLLED OVER TWICE.

HAD NEVER SAIDA WORD IN HIS LIFE.

HE STOOD UP AND SAID,"I'D LIKE A BOTTLE, PLEASE."

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