>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THESHOW.
NOW --[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
-- WE HAD A LITTLE FUN THE FIRSTACT BUT THE SECOND ACT IS
WHERE IT REALLY GETSGOING. IT'S NOT OFTEN WE GET TO
DELVE INTO THE MINUTIAE OF
A FISCAL YEAR BUDGET RESOLUTION.BUT TONIGHT THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT WE'RE DOING. FOR THE NEXTTEN MINUTES WE'RE GOING TO--
>> Stephen: HELLO, JON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jon: STEPHEN COLBERT, WHATARE YOU -- OH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> Stephen: JON, I HAVE SOMETERRIBLE NEWS.
YOU BETTER SIT DOWN.
>> Jon: STEPHEN, I'M SITTINGDOWN. THERE'S HARDLY EVER A TIME
WHERE I'M REALLY NOT SITTINGDOWN ON THIS SHOW SO --
>> Stephen: WELL JON, IS THEREANY WAY YOU COULD SIT MORE?
JON THIS IS GOING TO COME ASSOMETHING AS A SHOCK TO YOU.
>> Jon: YOU ARE ENDING YOURSHOW.
>> Stephen: JON, PLEASE I'MENDING MY SHOW.
I HAVE TO, JON.
DON'T BEG ME TO STAY.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU SEE, THERE'SNO MOUNTAIN LEFT FOR ME TO
CLIMB.
IT'S BECOME CLEAR TO ME THAT IHAVE WON TELEVISION.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]AT THIS POINT --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]JON, JON, AT THIS POINT I'M JUST
RUNNING UP THE SCORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: IT'S OBVIOUSLY, IT'S NOT
REALLY A CONTEST.
>> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE, JON.BECAUSE
YOU SEE, JON ALMOST NINE YEARSAGO I PROMISED TO CHANGE THE
WORLD, AND TOGETHER I DID IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]>> Jon: SO --
>> Stephen: SO, I DON'T KNOW,JON.
I'M A FREE MAN NOW.
I'M NOT SURE WHAT -- I'LL GOWHEREVER THE WIND TAKES ME, JON.
MAYBE RIDE THE RAILS.
LIVE BOXCAR TO BOXCAR.
LEARN HOW TO WHIP UP A HEARTYSTEW FROM PEANUT SHELLS AND A
STOLEN CHICKEN.
SURE, I KNOW IT DOESN'T SOUNDLIKE MUCH, JON BUT IT'S A KING'S
FEAST TO ME AND MY COMPANIONS.
BISCUIT, THE WILY MOUSE THATLIVES IN MY WEE POCKET.
AND ANNABELLE THE ONE EYEDPROSTITUTE WHO HAS A HEART OF
GOLD.
AND DON'T YOU DARE CALL HER AWHORE, JON.
>> Jon: I WASN'T SAYINGANYTHING.
STEPHEN, YOU HAVE A GIFT. WHYDON'T YOU STAY IN TELEVISION?
I HEARD THIS DAVID LETTERMAN ISRETIRING.
>> Stephen: YEAH I HEARD THAT,TOO, JON BUT THEY ALREADY GAVE
THE PART TO SOME FAT GUY.
TIMING SHE'S A CRUEL MISTRESS.
>> Jon: SHE IS. BUT DON'T SAYFAT.
PEAR SHAPED. THAT'S ALL. HE'SGOT --
>> Stephen: DON'T BE KIND TOHIM, JON.
I'VE SEEN THE PHOTOS.
>> Jon: NO, THEY ARE CALLEDBIRTHING HIPS. THEY'RE FINE.
STEPHEN, WELL THANKS FOR COMINGBY. I WISH YOU AND BISCUIT,
BISCUIT IS IT?
>> Stephen: IT WAS BISCUIT, JON,IN ME WEE POCKET.
>> Jon: IN YOUR WEE POCEKT. IWISH YOU BOTH AND THE ONE EYED
WOMAN, I WISH YOU ALLTHE BEST OF LUCK. I REALLY DO.
>> Stephen: HOLD BACK THETEARS, JON.
>> Jon: OK.>> Stephen: YOU'LL BE FINE.
> Jon: THANKS FOR COMING.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, JON, NOWTHAT YOU MENTION IT, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WOULD APPRECIATE ASA PARTING GIFT.
YOU KNOW HOW WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES"THE DAILY SHOW" YOU GUYS PUT
TOGETHER A LITTLE HIGHLIGHTREEL?
>> Jon: SURE, WE JUST DID ONEFOR YOUNG JOHN OLIVER.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I SAW THAT.BUT JON, YOU NEVER DID ONE FORME.
>> Stephen: YOU NEVER LEFT.
YOU WENT TO 11:30.YOU ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT, JON.YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT PROBABLY WASN'TTHAT IMPORTANT TO ME.
>> Jon: WE'LL PUT SOMETHINGTOGETHER, STEPHEN. WE'LL PUT
SOMETHING TOGETHER. WE'LL DOSOME OF YOUR BEST MOMENTS.
>> Stephen: DON'T TROUBLEYOURSELF, JON.
I ALREADY DID.
IT'S STEAMY IN HERE RIGHT NOW.YOU COULD PUT SOME FLOUR AND
YEAST IN MY PANTS AND PULL OUT APARMESEAN BAGUETTE.
MY FATHER WAS A POOR VIRGINIANTURD MINER.
THESE ARE THE GOATEES OFFREEDOM.
FACT BECOMES IRRELEVANT. TRUTHBECOMES FICTION.
KNOWLEDGE BECOMES IGNORANCE.NIGHT BECOMES DAY.
CHAOS REIGNS.
TAXI!
FOR LO!
I WIN! I WIN!
I WIN!
MY FATHER'S FATHER WAS A GOATBALL LICKER.
TO RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH YOURRAVEN HAIR TO TOUCH YOUR MILK
WHITE SKIN.
[LAUGHTER][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: WELL JON, I'M REALLYGOING TO MISS ME.
>> Jon: AND WE ARE TOO,MY FRIEND. GODSPEED.
STEPHEN COLBERT, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE][CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]