Christian Finnegan - Chandra Levy

  • Season 9 , Ep 7
  • 03/10/2005
  • Views: 7,612

Based on Christian's computer entries, he was abducted by sorority sluts. (2:42)

HERE'S A LITTLE PIECE OF TRIVIA

YOU CAN SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT WOMAN

WHO DISAPPEARED A FEW YEARS AGO

CHANDRA LEVY?

DO YOU REMEMBER HER?

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

I FOUND THIS FASCINATING.

APPARENTLY THE DAY SHE

DISAPPEARED SHE HAD GONE ON HER

COMPUTER.

AND THE LAST WEBSITE SHE EVER

VISITED WAS AN ON-LINE MAP

OF THE PARK WHERE HER BODY WAS

FOUND.

THAT'S TRUE.

I JUST HOPE IF I EVER DISAPPEAR,

PEOPLE DON'T LOOK FOR ME

BASED ON THE LAST WEBSITES

I VISITED.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'D BE KIND OF AN AWKWARD

PRESS CONFERENCE WITH MY PARENTS

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

"OFFICER, DO YOU HAVE

ANY LEADS?"

"WELL, BASED ON MR. FINNEGAN'S

COMPUTER ENTRIES, WE THINK HE

WAS ABDUCTED BY SORORITY SLUTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE BIRDS

AND THE BEES.

I UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT ABOUT

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS I DON'T

UNDERSTAND HOW THE TERM

"THE BIRDS AND THE BEES"

GOT STARTED, RIGHT?

WHY IS THE BIRD HAVING SEX WITH

THE BEE?

NOBODY'S EVER EXPLAINED THAT

TO ME.

[LAUGHTER]

'CAUSE THINK HOW CONFUSING

THAT IS FOR A LITTLE KID, RIGHT?

HIS VOICE IS CHANGING.

HAIR IS STARTING TO GROW

DOWNSTAIRS.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT.

AND NOW HE'S GOTTA FILTER IT

THROUGH THE METAPHOR OF

INTERSPECIES NOOKY.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WHAT HAPPENS?

A KID TURNS 12.

HIS BODY STARTS TO CHANGE.

HIS DAD SITS HIM DOWN AND TELLS

HIM ABOUT THE BIRDS AND BEES,

RIGHT?

BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS

ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY THAT A

13 YEAR-OLD IS JUST NOT READY

TO HEAR.

SOME OF YOU OLDER PEOPLE IN THE

AUDIENCE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

THAT'S WHY I THINK WHEN A GUY

TURNS 30, HIS DAD SHOULD SIT HIM

DOWN AGAIN AND HAVE A SECOND

BIRDS AND THE BEES CONVERSATION.

LIKE-- "WELL SON, THERE'S GOING

TO COME A TIME IN THE BEE'S LIFE

WHERE MAYBE THE STINGER DOESN'T

QUITE RESPOND THE WAY IT USED

TO.

[LAUGHTER]

AH SURE, THE BEE USED TO DROP

THE HAMMER THREE OR FOUR TIMES

A NIGHT.

HE DIDN'T EVEN CARE WHAT

SHE LOOKED LIKE.

HE WAS JUST HAPPY TO BE DOING

IT.

NOT SO MUCH THESE DAYS--

ONCE A NIGHT, REALLY.

I MEAN TWICE, OCCASIONALLY."

"BUT THERE MIGHT BE SOME NIGHTS

WHERE MAYBE THE BEE'S JUST NOT

INTO IT.

NOBODY'S FAULT.

THE BEE'S JUST NOT IN THE MOOD

THAT NIGHT.

NOW THE BIRD WILL TRY TO TELL

THE BEE IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS A

DRINKING PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

'CAUSE THE BIRD'S SO PERFECT.

I KNOW-- 'I'M THE BIRD.

I KNOW EVERYTHING.

I'M GOING TO BUST YOUR BALLS

CONSTANTLY.

I'M THE BIRD.'"

"AND THE BEE WILL SAY,

'WELL BIRD, MAYBE IF YOU TOOK

CARE OF YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE,

THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM

FOR ME.

DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?'

AND THE BIRD WILL SAY,

'WELL WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I CAN TRY NEW THINGS.

I CAN BE EXPERIMENTAL.'

NOW THIS IS A TRAP FOR THE BEE."

[LAUGHTER]

"BECAUSE IF THE BEE

VERY INNOCENTLY SUGGESTS MAYBE

BRINGING A SECOND BIRD INTO

THE SITUATION.

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE BEE'S

GOTTA GET A LAWYER.

AND THE BIRD GETS HALF

HIS STUFF.

IT'S TRAGIC, I TELL YOU."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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