Marc Maron - Celebration of Life

Leo Allen, Al Jackson, Sheng Wang, Marc Maron Season 3, Ep 3 08/03/2012 Views: 13,274

Marc Maron knows what freedom feels like. (3:26)

SO NOW I FEELEMASCULATED.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE OVERREACTED,THAT I PANICKED,

I WAS MAD AT HIM.

I LEAVE THE AIRPLANE.I GO GET MY BAG.

I GO OUT TO THE CURBTO WAIT FOR A CAB.

IT'S STARTING TO RAIN.I'M STANDING THERE.

I SEE THE OTHER SCREAMING GUYOVER THERE.

WE HAVE THAT WEIRDBONDING MOMENT

THAT PEOPLE THAT LIVETHROUGH SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW LIKE,THERE WAS THESE MOMENTS LIKE,

"YEAH, NUMB, RIGHT?

PEACE, BROTHER, NEVER FORGET.

SEE YOU AT THE WALLNEXT YEAR."

AND THEN I GO TO MY HOTELIN A CAB.

I GET THERE.IT'S ABOUT 12:30.

AND THE STORM THAT WE FLEWTHROUGH HITS CLEVELAND

AND IT'S BAD.

SIDEWAYS RAINS, LIGHTNING,THUNDER, WIND.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

AND THEN I REALIZEDI'M SITTING IN MY HOTEL

AND I'M LIKE, "MY, GOD,I MUST OF ALMOST DIED.

I REALLY DID ALMOST DIE."

AND I START TO GET SHAKY,AND I START FREAKING OUT,

AND I STARTED HAVINGTHOSE THOUGHTS THAT

YOU HAVE WHEN YOUALMOST DIED.

I'M SITTING IN MY ROOM GOING,"I GOT TO TREAT PEOPLE NICER.

I GOT TO BE GRATEFUL.I GOTTA EXPERIENCE JOY.

MY LIFE IS PRETTY GOOD.I HAVE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND.

I LIVE IN THE FREEST COUNTRY INTHE WORLD IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT,

AND...EVERYTHING IS REALLYOKAY, YOU KNOW,

AND I'M ALL SHOOK UP,

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DOWITH THE ENERGY,

SO I JUST MASTURBATED.

(applause)

99% OF THE TIMEA GUY MASTURBATING ALONE

IN A HOTEL ROOMIS A SAD THING.

NOT THIS TIME.

THIS WAS A CELEBRATION...

OF LIFE.

I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT PORN.I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SEX.

I JUST MASTURBATEDTO BEING ALIVE.

(laughter)

I'M ALIVE!

NOW WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHARE ISPROBABLY TOO MUCH INFORMATION,

BUT THIS IS THE KINDOF PERSON I AM.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO JUDGE MEFOR IT,

BUT I FINISHED ON THE FLOOR...

OF MY HOTEL ROOM.

I WAS SHOCKED TOO.

THERE WAS A MOMENTWHERE I'M LIKE, "WHAT'D I DO?

I DON'T KNOW WHYI DID IT.

BUT I CALLED MY GIRLFRIENDAFTER THAT, YOU KNOW,

AND I TOLD HER ABOUT THE FLIGHT

AND SHE GOT UPSETTHE WAY I DESCRIBED IT

AND SHE WAS LIKE ALMOSTCRYING AND SHE SAID,

AND SHE'S LIKE "ARE YOU OKAY?"

I WAS LIKE,"YEAH, YEAH, I'M OKAY.

I JUST--I JUST JERKED OFF

AND SHE SAID," WELL, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?"

AND I SAID, "YEAH,YEAH IT WAS PRETTY GOOD."

"I JUST, I FINISHEDON THE FLOOR."

SHE GOES,"WHY'D YOU DO THAT?"

I'M THINKING FASTAND I SAID,

"'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT FREEDOMFEELS LIKE SOMETIMES."

AND THEN I STARTED HUMMINGTHE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

(cheers and applause)