Victoria Jackson - Suburbs

  • Season 3 , Ep 11
  • 08/15/2000
  • Views: 442

WELL, SINCE I'D LAST SEENMY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

HE'D BECOME A COP.

AND I THOUGHT,"OH, COPS ARE SO BRAVE.

THEY RISK THEIR LIVESPROTECTING US FROM BAD PEOPLE,"

AND THEN I MET THEM ALL.

AND I FOUND OUTTHEY GO TO HOOTERS...

EVERY DAY.

SO I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.

BUT, SEE, WHEN I WAS 20, THE TONIGHT SHOW TOLD ME

IF YOU PUT A POEM TO MUSIC,YOU CAN MAKE MORE MONEY,

EVEN IF YOU ONLY KNOWTHREE CHORDS,

LIKE THE ROLLING STONES.

SO ALL MY POEMS BECAME SONGS.

SO ANYWAY--WHERE WAS I?OH, YEAH.

MY HUSBAND, HE GOES, "HOOTERS ISA FAMILY RESTAURANT."

AND I GO, "YEAH,WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM--STUPID?

YEAH, IT HAS AN OWL THEME: HOOT, HOOT."

AND HE GOES, "NO,THEY HAVE REALLY GOOD WINGS."

AND I GO, "OH, WELL, I GOTO THIS PLACE CALLED BALLS.

"IT'S A FAMILY RESTAURANT.

"YEAH, AND ALL THE WAITERS WEARORANGE JOCKSTRAPS,

AND THEY HAVEREALLY GOOD NUGGETS."

[laughter]

GO, VICKY. GO, VICKY.

SO HE QUIT GOING THERE,YOU KNOW.

SO ANYWAY,I'M IN THE SUBURBS OF MIAMI,

AND I WAS WATCHING BARNEYALL DAY,

AND I WAS GETTINGREALLY TIRED OF IT,

AND I LOVE MY KIDS, BUTYOU KNOW, SUBURBS, YOU KNOW.

I GO OUT ON THE PATIOEVERY NIGHT,

AND I READ THE STARAND THE ENQUIRER

TO KEEP UPWITH MY FAMOUS FRIENDS,

AND I KNOWALL THE STORIES ARE TRUE,

'CAUSE I WAS IN IT ONCE,AND IT WAS TRUE.

AND I NOTICED THEY NEVERHAVE ANY ARTICLES

ABOUT HAPPILY MARRIED PEOPLEWHO LIVE IN THE SUBURBS,

SO I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.

♪ NOBODY RESPECTSA SUBURBANITE. ♪

♪ THEY THINK YOU'VE SETTLEDFOR THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE. ♪

♪ YOU MUST NOT BE AMBITIOUSIF YOU'VE GOT A HOUSE, ♪

♪ A CAR, TWO KIDS, A DOG,AND YOU ARE SOMEONE'S WIFE. ♪

♪ BUT OOHHHH,IF YOU WERE A LESBIAN, ♪

♪ YOU WOULD BE SO COOL,BREAKING EVERY RULE. ♪

♪ AND IF YOU WANTTO GET A KICK, ♪

♪ YOU KISS YOUR LOVERON THE STREET ♪

♪ AND KNOCK THE BAPTISTSOFF THEIR FEET. ♪

I'M A BAPTIST,SO I CAN SAY THAT.

♪ THEN YOU COULD BE THE LOVEROF A LESBIAN ROCK STAR ♪

♪ OR TENNIS STAROR SITCOM STAR ♪

♪ AND TRAVELALL OVER THE WORLD. ♪

♪ THEN WHEN SHE DUMPS YOUFOR ANOTHER LESBIAN LOVER, ♪

♪ YOU CAN WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HERAND MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS ♪

♪ AND THEN FINDYOUR REAL TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ AND HAVE A BABY BY AN AGINGDRUG ADDICT ROCK STAR ♪

♪ AND MOVE INTO A HOUSEIN THE SUBURBS. ♪

[applause]

GOT TO CONSTANTLYUPDATE THE ACT, YOU KNOW.

♪ BUT NOBODY RESPECTSA SUBURBANITE. ♪

♪ THEY THINK YOU'VE SETTLEDFOR THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE. ♪

♪ YOU MUST NOT BE AMBITIOUSIF YOU'VE GOT A HOUSE, ♪

♪ A CAR, TWO KIDS, A DOG,AND YOU ARE SOMEONE'S WIFE. ♪

♪ BUT OHHHH,IF YOU WERE A HEROIN ADDICT ♪

♪ LIVING IN AN ALLEY-- SPEAKING OF HEROIN,

I RAN INTO ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.,A YEAR AGO.

WE WERE AT A BAR IN L.A.,AND HE WAS KIND OF TIPSY.

I THINK HE WAS CELEBRATINGGETTING OUT OF REHAB LAST TIME.

AND I SAID "ROBERT, REMEMBER ME?

"I HAD TO KISS YOU IN THE MOVIE THE PICKUP ARTIST,

AND I TELL EVERYONEYOU'RE A REALLY GOOD KISSER."

AND HE GOES, "OH, YEAH."

AND THEN THIS PHOTOGRAPHERBEHIND HIM SAID,

"GIVE HIM A LITTLE KISS,"SO I DID.

I CALLED MY HUSBAND,THE COP, THAT NIGHT,

AND I GO, "PAUL, I MIGHT BEIN THE NEWSPAPER TOMORROW

"KISSING ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

"I DON'T CAREIF THE HEADLINE SAYS,

"VICTORIA DOES HEROIN WITH ROBERT.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T LOOK FAT."

I WAS STRETCHING MY NECK OUTLIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.

AND THEN ROBERT GOES,"SO WHO ARE YOU MARRIED TO NOW?"

BECAUSE WHEN HE KNEW ME,

I WAS MARRIED TO SATAN,YOU KNOW.

I GUESS HE KNEWIT WOULDN'T LAST.

AND I SAID,"OH, A POLICEMAN."

AND I TURNED AROUND,AND ROBERT DISAPPEARED.

THAT'S TRUE.

♪ BUT OH, IF YOU'RE A HEROINADDICT LIVING IN AN ALLEY, ♪

♪ A TV TALK SHOW PRODUCERCOULD TRIP OVER YOU, ♪

♪ AND YOU COULD END UP

♪ ON PHIL, MONTEL, OPRAH, RICKI, OR SALLY. ♪

♪ THEN THEY COULD PAYFOR YOU TO GO TO REHAB. ♪

♪ YOU COULD MEET SOMEONE FAMOUSIN REHAB AND MARRY THEM ♪

♪ AND MOVE INTO THEIR MANSIONWITH THEIR MALTESE PUPPY. ♪

♪ THEN WHEN YOU GET DIVORCED,MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS, ♪

♪ AND FIND YOUR REAL TRUE LOVE

♪ AND MOVE INTO A HOUSEIN THE SUB--OH! ♪

♪ BUT NOBODY RESPECTSA SUBURBANITE, ♪

♪ ETCETERA, ETCETERA.

♪ BUT SOMETHING GOOD MUST HAPPENWHEN THE KIDS ARE IN BED, ♪

♪ OR I'D BE SOMEWHERE ELSEINSTEAD. ♪

THANK YOU.

Loading...