Jimmy Carr - Australian Outback

  • Season 9, Ep 3
  • 01/13/2005
  • Views: 10,135

Jimmy could cut off his hand to survive. (2:28)

MY FAVORITE NEWS STORY OF

THE LAST YEAR WAS A STORY

CONCERNING A HIKER, A RAMBLING

OUTDOORSMAN FROM AUSTRALIA.

AND HE WAS WALKING IN THE

OUTBACK OF AUSTRALIA,

THE DESSERTS.

AND THERE WAS A ROCK FALL.

AND HIS HAND WAS TRAPPED

UNDERNEATH THE BOULDER.

AND HE HAD TO SEVER HIS OWN HAND

WITH A KNIFE IN ORDER TO WALK TO

FREEDOM.

INCREDIBLE STORY OF HUMAN

COURAGE AND SPIRIT AND WHAT

IT IS TO BE A MAN.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE

SAW THAT STORY AND DIDN'T ASK

THEMSELVES THE QUESTION,

WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO THAT?

WELL, I'VE GIVEN IT QUITE A LOT

OF THOUGHT AND I THINK, YES

I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

WHAT DO I CARE ABOUT AN

AUSTRALIAN'S HAND?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE OTHER AMAZING STORY IN

THE NEWSPAPERS LAST YEAR WAS

NOT QUITE AS INSPIRING.

BUT IT WAS THE STORY OF

AN ENGLISH WOMAN AND AN AMERICAN

MAN FLYING FROM JFK TO LONDON

HEATHROW AND THEY'D NEVER

MET EACH OTHER BEFORE.

FLYING IN FIRST CLASS AND

THEY WERE ARRESTED AS THEY CAME

INTO LAND AT LONDON HEATHROW.

AND THE REASON THEY WERE

ARRESTED IS BECAUSE THE LADY WAS

FELATING THE MAN.

IT MEANS [BLEEP] OFF.

[LAUGHTER]

YES, AS THEY CAME INTO LAND,

THE LADY WAS FELATING THE MAN.

I MYSELF PREFER HARD CANDY.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST CAN'T QUITE IMAGINE

HOW THAT HAPPENED.

PRESUMABLY AT SOME POINT IN

THE FLIGHT SHE TURNED TO HIM

AND SAID, "MY EARS ARE POPPING.

HAVE YOU GOT ANY HARD CANDY?"

AND HE SAID, "NO, NO I HAVEN'T.

BUT I'VE GOT AN IDEA."

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE AWARE

OF THIS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BUT IT'S BEEN TORNADO SEASON

RECENTLY.

AND I SAW A COUPLE BEING

INTERVIEWED ON CNN.

AND THE REASON THEY WERE BEING

INTERVIEWED IS BECAUSE EVEN

THOUGH A TORNADO WAS COMING

TOWARDS THEIR HOUSE,

THEY REFUSED TO MOVE.

EVEN THOUGH THEIR HOUSE WAS ON

WHEELS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEY WERE BEING INTERVIEWED

BY THIS VERY NICE ANCHORMAN ON

CNN AND HE HAD HIS ARM AROUND

HIS WIFE AND THEY SAID,

"WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?"

HE SAID, "GOD WILL PROTECT US."

AND I THOUGHT, "WHO DO YOU THINK

IS SENDING THE TORNADO?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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