Brett Butler - Short Mom

Brett Butler & Nick DiPaolo Season 1, Ep 37 02/24/1992 Views: 4,296

A five-foot tall mom isn't very intimidating. (2:22)

I GET ALONG WITH HER REAL WELL.

NOW THAT I'M OLD ENOUGHTO HAVE CHILDREN

I'M REGRETTING VIRTUALLYEVERYTHING I SAID TO HER

TILL I WAS 30.

I FEEL SO BAD, MY MOTHERIS LESS THAN FIVE FEET TALL

SO WHEN SHE GOT MAD,IT WAS TRULY COMICAL.

YOU HAD TO FIGHT THE URGETO LAUGH AT HER

WHILE SHE WAS SCREAMING AT YOU.

THIS IS AS MADAS MY MOTHER EVER GOT.

THIS IS MY MOTHER KICKING BUTT.

( quaveringly: )"Y'ALL, QUIT."

( laughter )

"DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR."

"MAMA, YOU'RE NOT IN THE CAR.

YOU'RE IN THE HAMMOCK WITHA JELLY GLASS FULL OF SCOTCH."

THEN SHE'D SAY, "WAITTILL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME."

LIKE, "MAMA, IT'S BEENEIGHT YEARS."

AREN'T YOUTHE WELL-ADJUSTED LITTLE LOT?

OKAY.

I TURNED 30 SEVERAL YEARS AGO.

AND I LIKE BEING 30.

I KNOW IT MUST SEEM...I AM RELAXED TONIGHT.

I JUST DISCOVERED AN ALTERNATEUSE FOR MY SHOWER MASSAGE.

I LOVE DOING THAT.

THERE'S ALWAYS LIKE ONE GUYLOOKING AT HIS WIFE LIKE

"IS THAT WHY THAT THING'S ALWAYSON PULSE WHEN I GET HOME?"

YOU'RE TOO HIP TO HOP, HONEY,I GOT TO TELL YOU.

YOU ARE SO COOL,I CAN'T STAND IT.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, ACCORDING TO THE ARTICLES

I REACH MY SOCIAL PEAKIN A YEAR OR SO

WHICH SCARES ME NOW,AND MEN DO WHEN THEY'RE 18

AND WHAT A HEINOUS TRICKFROM GOD THIS WAS.

NOW THE ONLY TIME TO HAVE FUN

IS WHEN I GOTO THE GROCERY STORE

AND THERE'S THAT LITTLE16-YEAR-OLD BAGGING GROCERIES

WITH THE BOW TIE AND THE APRONAND BUNS LIKE A MUFFIN TIN.

I JUST GO UP TO THEM AND GO,"COME HERE, I COULD HURT YOU."

THE BEST PART IS I YELL BACKAT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS NOW.

THAT IS SO GREAT.

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE 20,AND YOU WALK BY

YOU'RE FILLEDWITH THAT YOUTHFUL INDIGNATION

THAT "STOP IT,THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.

THIS IS FOR MY BELOVED."

NOW I GO IN, AND I'M LIKE

"WHAT? WHAT?

"YOU WANT TO DO WHATWITH ME IN THAT WHEELBARROW?

"YOU WANT ME TO BETHE WHEELBARROW?

OH, ALL RIGHT."

AND YOU HAVEN'T LIVED

IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE A NEW YORKCONSTRUCTION WORKER BLUSH EITHER

BECAUSE THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THEY'RE LIKE, "LADY, I GOTTO PUT UP A BUILDING."