Uncensored - Louis C.K. - White People Problems

Louis C.K.: Hilarious Season 1, Ep 101 01/09/2011 Views: 172,445

While people in other countries have serious problems, Louis C.K. describes the kinds of issues that exist in America. (2:39)

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THINGS ARE PRETTY [bleep] UP.

PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE BIT SCARED.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOW BAD COULD IT REALLY GET?

I MEAN, MOST AMERICANS HAVE SOMUCH CRAP.

YOU COULD LOSE MOST OF IT ANDSTILL HAVE MORE SHIT THAN THE

AVERAGE CANADIAN, EVEN.

LIKE, WE'RE THE FATTEST PEOPLEIN THE WORLD.

AND WE JUST HAVE ALL THIS SHIT,AND WE HATE IT.

WE'RE JUST MISERABLE WITH OURPHONES.

"[bleep]--DAH!"JUST ANGRY ALL THE TIME.

AND IT--I WORRY ABOUT THEECONOMY FAILING, BECAUSE WE

CAN'T EVEN--WE'RE MISERABLE WITHA GREAT LIFE.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE[bleep] WE'RE GONNA DEAL WITH

LIKE WHEN YOU GOT TO MOVE YOURMOM INTO THE CELLAR AND SHIT AND

HAVE, LIKE SERIOUS PROBLEMS,BECAUSE WE HAVE LIKE UP TILL

NOW--WE HAVE WHITE PEOPLEPROBLEMS IN AMERICA.

THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE, WHITEPEOPLE PROBLEMS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

THAT'S WHERE YOUR LIFE ISAMAZING, SO YOU JUST MAKE SHIT

UP TO BE UPSET ABOUT.

PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES HAVEREAL PROBLEMS, LIKE, "OH, SHIT.

THEY'RE CUTTING OFF ALL OURHEADS TODAY," THINGS LIKE THAT.

[laughter]HERE, WE MAKE SHIT UP TO BE

UPSET ABOUT.

LIKE, "HOW COME I HAVE TO CHOOSEA LANGUAGE ON THE ATM MACHINE?

BULLSHIT."

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

I'M AMERICAN."

GOD, THE SHIT WE BITCH ABOUT.

"I CALLED AMERICAN AIRLINES, ANDI GOT A PAKISTANI LADY.

AND SHE WAS IN PAKISTAN!

ONLY PEOPLE NEAR MY FAT WHITEBODY SHOULD HAVE JOBS."

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THOUGH, WHENI CALL AMERICAN AIRLINES, AND I

GET THE PAKISTANI LADY, I HANGUP AND I CALL AGAIN.

I DO.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU HONESTLY.

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'TLIKE HER, AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH,BECAUSE SHE SPEAKS WAY BETTER

THAN I DO.

SHE'S JUST A BETTER PERSON.

IT'S SO CLEAR.

AND I KNOW.

HERE'S WHY I DON'T LIKE TALKINGTO HER:

'CAUSE I KNOW SHE DOESN'T GIVEA SHIT ABOUT ME AND MY WHITE

PEOPLE PROBLEMS.

I WANT TO TALK TO THE LADY FROMTEXAS WHO'S, "WELL, HOW CAN I

HELP YOU?"THAT'S THE LADY I WANT.

I JUST KNOW--[foreign accent] "HELLO,

AMERICAN"-- OH, [bleep].

YOU DON'T CARE.

THERE'S NO WAY. WHY WOULD YOU?

I'M IN MY UNDERWEAR.

"HI, I HAVE A LAYOVER IN DALLASTHAT'S REALLY LONG, AND I WAS

WONDERING IF"--AND SHE'S LIKE,"OH, REALLY?

I HAVEN'T HAD A CLEAN GLASS OFWATER IN TEN YEARS, OKAY?

TWO OF MY KIDS DIED THISMORNING, AND I STILL CAME TO

WORK, YOU FAT SHIT.

I CAN HEAR YOUR FAT OVERTHE PHONE.

WHY DON'T YOU HANG UP AND KILLYOURSELF?"

WHY WOULD SHE CARE?

[cheers and applause]