Greg Giraldo - Illegal Alien Investment Banker

  • Season 3 , Ep 10
  • 08/08/2000
  • Views: 9,050

When was the last time someone lost a job to an illegal alien? (3:01)

LOCAL NEWS IS WORTHLESS;IT'S ONLY WEATHER.

LOCAL NEWS IS JUSTFIRES AND CRIMES

AND 15 MINUTES OF WEATHER.

THEY HAVE THE WEATHER ONFOR 15 MINUTES,

BUT THEY SOMEHOW STILL MANAGETO DISGUISE THE FORECAST

SO THAT I MISS ITEVERY SINGLE TIME.

THEY ALWAYS TEASE YOU.

THEY NEVER ACTUALLY COME OUTAND TELL YOU.

THEY GOT TO WASTEA LOT OF TIME WITH IT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"TOMORROW'S GOING TO BE--

"LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT THE MAP.

"WE GOT A LOT OF BLUE AND PINKSTUFF HAPPENING OVER HERE.

"THERE'S A LOW PRESSURE FRONTOF SOME KIND

"COMING DOWN FROM CANADA

INTO A PART OF THE COUNTRYYOU'LL NEVER, EVER GO TO EVER."

THEY GIVE YOU, LIKE,THAT WINDCHILL FACTOR.

THAT'S A HELPFUL--WINDCHILL FACTOR.

THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKEWHEN IT'S WINDY.

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

THAT'S A REAL SCIENTIFICMEASUREMENT, HUH?

"WHAT IT FEELS LIKE"--SEEMS A LITTLE SUBJECTIVE.

"YEAH, TOMORROW'SGOING TO BE RAINING,

"BUT IF YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA,IT'LL FEEL LIKE IT'S DRY,

"SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

"IF YOU LIVEIN A BASEMENT APARTMENT,

TOMORROW WILL BE JUST LIKEEVERY OTHER DAY."

I LIKE WHEN THERE'S A BADWEATHER FORECAST ON THE NEWS,

AND THE ANCHORMAN PRETENDSHE'S ANGRY AT THE WEATHERMAN,

LIKE THE WEATHERMAN'SRESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE WEATHER.

THEY ALWAYS DOTHAT CORNY LITTLE MOVE

WHERE THEY'RE LIKE,"SHOWERS ALL WEEKEND.

THANKS A LOT, BOB."

THEY NEVER BLAMETHE OTHER REPORTERS

FOR THEIR BAD NEWS.

THEY'RE NEVER LIKE,

"12 DEAD IN COLORADO;WAY TO GO, WILLY.

THAT IS BAD NEWS."

THEY DO THOSE MAN-ON-THE-STREETINTERVIEWS.

HOW STUPID IS THAT?

WHERE THEY JUSTINTERVIEW PEOPLE

AND GET THEIR OPINIONSABOUT THINGS

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEARANYONE'S OPINION ABOUT.

THEY'RE LIKE,"DO YOU THINK HILLARY CLINTON

SHOULD RUN FOR THE SENATEIN NEW YORK?"

THEY ASK SOME RANDOM GUYIN LINE AT THE MOVIES,

AND HE'S LIKE, "NO."

"WELL, THAT'S THE WORDON THE STREET, DAN.

BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO."

I LIKED WHEN THEY INTERVIEWEDPEOPLE

TO GET REACTIONSTO THE THINGS JOHN ROCKER SAID.

THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

"WHAT DO YOU THINKOF JOHN ROCKER'S STATEMENT

"THAT NEW YORKIS FILLED WITH FOREIGNERS

THAT DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH?"

"I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW--"

[laughter and applause]

YEAH, IT'S FILLEDWITH FOREIGNERS,

BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKESAMERICA GREAT, RIGHT?

PEOPLE COME TO THIS COUNTRYFROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

TO PURSUE THEIR DREAMS

OF DRIVING A TAXIOR SELLING HOT DOGS

OR WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP--

OPPORTUNITIES THAT DON'T EXISTIN THEIR COUNTRIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT SOMEBODY SAIDTO ME THE OTHER DAY?

"THESE ILLEGAL ALIENS COME OVERAND TAKE AWAY AMERICAN JOBS.

THEY'RE TAKING AWAY JOBSFROM AMERICANS."

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU LOSTA JOB TO AN ILLEGAL ALIEN?

YOU WANT TO DELIVERYOUR OWN CHINESE FOOD?

IS THAT A JOB YOU'RE AFTER?

YOU WANT TO RIDEYOUR RATTY LITTLE BIKE

DOWN BROADWAY IN THE RAIN?

50ยข AN HOUR?

THEY'RE NOT TAKING AWAY

THE DREAM JOBSYOU WISH YOU COULD GET.

THEY'RE NOT BECOMING ILLEGALALIEN INVESTMENT BANKERS,

YOU KNOW, OR, LIKE,ILLEGAL ALIEN TV WEATHERMEN.

HEY, QUE PASA?

[mimicking Mexican accent]TODAY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

WILL BE WARM, MUGGY,

LOW VISIBILITY.

GOOD DAY TO CROSS A RIVER.

[cheers and applause]

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