Bruce Bruce - White People

  • Season 7 , Ep 3
  • 02/20/2003
  • Views: 25,436

White people say "God;" black people say "Jesus." (2:56)

Bruce Bruce: OH, MAN.

HOW YOU ALL DOING?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

Audience: YEAH.

Bruce Bruce: YOU'RE LOOKING AT

ME LIKE I'M GONNA FALL ON YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA FALL ON YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE, "LORD,

PLEASE DON'T LET HIM FALL RIGHT

NOW."

IF I FALL, WHO GONNA PICK ME UP?

NOBODY.

YOU'LL ALL BE STANDING ACROSS

THE STREET--

"THAT FAT DUDE FELL OVER THERE."

WHITE PEOPLE THE ONLY ONE GONNA

HELP YOU.

"ARE YOU OKAY?"

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T HELP YOU.

"I DON'T KNOW HIM THAT GOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK PEOPLE STEP RIGHT OVER

YOU.

"EXCUSE ME.

LET ME GET RIGHT HERE, PLEASE."

I'M GLAD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE

HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE WHITE PEOPLE, MAN.

THEY PAY ON TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

WHITE PERSON WRITES YOU A CHECK.

YOU COULD TAKE IT TO THE BANK IN

THE MORNING.

BROTHER WRITES YOU A CHECK, HE'S

GONNA POST-DATE IT NEXT FRIDAY.

LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.

SAY, "IF YOU GO IN THAT

THURSDAY, THE MONEY WON'T BE

THERE."

BUT WHITE PEOPLE CAN FIRE YOU

FROM A JOB, AND STILL BE

SMILING.

YOU HEAR ME?

THIS LADY FIRED ME ONE DAY.

"I'M SORRY, I GOTTA LET YOU GO.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

IF YOU NEED A GOOD REFERENCE,

TELL ĂșEM TO GIVE ME A CALL.

HA-HA-HA."

I SAY, REFERENCE?

I'M THINKING ABOUT SETTING THIS

PLACE ON FIRE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE HAPPY EARLY

IN THE MORNING.

"GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

HI, DAVE.

HOW ARE YOU?"

BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY EARLY

IN THE MORNING.

YOU CATCH A BLACK PERSON--

"GOOD MORNING."

"YEAH.

GO ON.

I GOT A HANGOVER.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

BUT I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE,

'CAUSE THEY LET YOU KNOW WHEN

STUFF GONNA HAPPEN.

LIKE, IF SOMEBODY GONNA HIT ME

IN THE HEAD WITH A STICK RIGHT

NOW, WHITE PERSON'S JUMPING--

"HEY, WATCH YOURSELF.

HE'S GONNA HIT YOU WITH THAT

STICK RIGHT THERE."

I CAN TURN AROUND AND CATCH HIM.

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT

NOTHIN'.

THEY DON'T LET YOU KNOW NOTHIN'.

THEY'LL TALK AMONG EACH OTHER,

BUT THEY WON'T SAY NOTHIN'

TO YOU.

BLACK PEOPLE SIT RIGHT THERE--

"LOOK, HE'S GONNA HIT HIM WITH

A STICK.

HE'S GONNA HIT HIM."

(LAUGHTER)

BAM!

"SEE, I TOLD YOU.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GONNA HIT HIM

IN THE HEAD.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS USE

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD" WHEN

SOMETHING HAPPEN.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."

BLACK PEOPLE USE, "JESUS."

'CAUSE THERE'S POWER IN THE NAME

JESUS, AM I RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU COULD LEAVE HERE TONIGHT.

YOUR CAR STARTS SLIDING.

BLACK PERSON-- SAY,

"'JESUS'" CAR STRAIGHTEN UP."

WHITE PEOPLE LEAVE HERE TONIGHT.

CAR STARTS SLIDING.

"FOR THE LOVE OF"-- BOOM!

(LAUGHTER)

KNOCK THE WALL DOWN.

SO, START USING JESUS.

IT'LL WORK FOR YOU.

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE TAKE

CHANCES.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'T CATCH ON

TO NOTHIN'.

THEY CAN GO HOME, LIKE,

THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN.

THE KITCHEN DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.

THEY'RE SITTING IN THE CAR,

TRYING TO GUESS, "I WONDER

WHO LEFT THAT DOOR OPEN."

THE BROTHER IN THE HOUSE LOOKING

AT THE BACK DOOR, HE'S JUST

LOOKING.

THEY WALK IN THE HOUSE.

"I LEFT THE DOOR"--

LAY DOWN.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

THE BROTHER'D BE LIKE--

"SHUT UP AND SAY 'JESUS'."

BUT I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

Loading...