Tom Cotter - Kids

  • Season 8 , Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004
  • Views: 6,011

Kids are to blame for the blister and aneurism you get from trying to use a cigarette lighter. (1:19)

Tom Cotter: I GOT TO GET

TO CHURCH, I REALLY DO, DON'T I?

OOH, I NEED HELP.

I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.

MY DAD'S CATHOLIC, MY MOM'S

RASTAFARIAN.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

THAT WAS WEIRD GROWING UP.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE DAD WOULD BRING

HOME THE CHRISTMAS TREE AND MOM

WOULD SMOKE IT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT WAS WEIRD GROWING UP AS A

CHRISTIFARIAN, IT REALLY WAS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.

I BELIEVE IN ABORTION.

I BELIEVE IN LATE TERM ABORTION,

LIKE ALL THE WAY UP TO FIFTH

GRADE, BECAUSE SOME KIDS SUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

KIDS RUIN EVERYTHING NOW.

DON'T THEY?

HAVE YOU TRIED TO LIGHT A

CIGARETTE LIGHTER IN THE LAST

TEN YEARS?

YOU CAN'T 'CAUSE NOW IT'S GOT

THAT RUBIX CUBE CHILD SAFETY

DEVICE ON IT.

SO YOU END UP GETTING A BLISTER

AND AN ANEURYSM.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

AND THEN YOU CAN'T GET THE

ASPIRIN OUT OF THE BOTTLE

BECAUSE THAT'S FRIGGEN

CHILDPROOF, TOO.

BACKSEAT WINDOWS OF CARS FOR THE

LAST SEVERAL YEARS ONLY GO DOWN

HALFWAY.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS?

DO YOU KNOW WHY WE'RE SWEATING

TO DEATH IN THE BACKSEAT?

THAT'S SO YOUR KID WON'T FALL

OUT THE WINDOW AND DIE.

WHEN WE WERE KIDS THE WINDOWS

WENT DOWN ALL THE WAY.

AND IF YOU FELL OUT THE WINDOW

YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK,

GOODBYE.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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