Richard Jeni - Red Wine and PMS

  • Season 6 , Ep 3
  • 05/05/2002
  • Views: 12,638

Red wine and PMS is a witch's brew. (4:34)

BIG PART OF THE PROBLEM

IN RELATIONSHIPS IS THAT PEOPLE

DON'T TELL EACH OTHER IN THE

BEGINNING, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T TELL MY GAL THAT I HAD

A HUGE PORNO HABIT.

YOU KNOW.

THAT WASN'T FAIR, SHE DOESN'T

LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW?

I FINALLY GOT HER TO WATCH A

PORNO WITH ME AND I DID NOT GET

THE REACTION I WAS AFTER.

ALL RIGHT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE

STARTED HER OFF WITH ONE THAT

I WAS IN.

THAT WAS A MISTAKE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I DIDN'T TELL HER ABOUT IT

AND THAT WASN'T FAIR.

AND SHE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT IF

SHE DRINKS RED WINE AND HAS PMS

AT THE SAME TIME, THAT SHE'S

CAPABLE OF TAKING A HUMAN LIFE.

SHE'S A GREAT GIRL BUT RED WINE

AND PMS, THAT IS A WITCHES BREW.

MAN, IF WE'RE IN A RESTAURANT

AND SHE HAS PMS AND GOES,

"I THINK I'LL HAVE SOME

RED WINE."

WELL, THAT'S IT.

GET OUT THE POINTY HAT AND THE

BUBBLING CAULDRON HERE IT COMES.

IT'S LIKE THIS.

(IMITATING A WITCH) "HMM HMM.

BOIL, BUBBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE.

A LITTLE MENSTRUATION,

A LITTLE CABERNET.

NOW HE'LL BE WRONG, NO MATTER

WHAT YOU SAY."

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

SHE HAD RED WINE AND PMS,

I TOOK HER ONE NIGHT TO A NICE

RESTAURANT FOR HER BIRTHDAY,

I'M ON FULL SECURITY ALERT.

THE LAST THING I NEEDED WAS A

WAITRESS COMING TOWARD OUR TABLE

WITH A LOW CUT BLOUSE.

TO SAY THAT SHE HAD A LARGE

BOSOM IS TO SAY THAT THE

ATLANTIC OCEAN IS DAMP.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'M THINKING,

"OH, NO, SHE'S GOT PMS, I'M

ALREADY SITTING ON A POWDER KEG

HERE COME THE MATCHES."

SO, THIS IS WHEN YOUR BRAIN

SENDS AN EMERGENCY MESSAGE

TO YOUR EYES LIKE THIS,

"ATTENTION EYES.

THIS IS THE BRAIN, MAYDAY,

MAYDAY, MAYDAY,

WE HAVE TWO GIANT BASSOONS

APPROACHING FROM THE WEST.

DO NOT ENGAGE.

REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE.

SHE'S DRINKING RED WINE

AND HAS PMS, WE ARE AT DEFCON 4.

I SAY AGAIN, DO NOT ENGAGE

THE BASSOONS.

TWO GIANT BASSOONS.

BRA SIZE 3-9ER

CUP SIZE DAVID-DAVID-DAVID.

REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE."

SO, OF COURSE YOUR EYES

CALL BACK LIKE THIS GOING,

"AH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE BREAKING

UP THERE A LITTLE BIT BRAIN, AH,

WE DIDN'T GET THAT LAST MESSAGE

I'M JUST LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW

HERE.

THERE'S A COUPLE OF BASSOONS

COMING IN FROM THE SOUTH, UH,

WE'RE GOING TO BANK LEFT

AND SWOOP IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK."

(LAUGHTER)

I GUESS I MUST HAVE GLANCED

AT 'EM.

AND SHE CAUGHT IT, YOU KNOW,

AND SHE GOES,

(MANIACAL VOICE) "WERE YOU

LOOKING AT THE WAITRESSES

BREASTS?

WERE YOU LOOKING AT THE

WAITRESSES BREASTS?"

(SLURPING SOUND)

"WELL, THAT'S IT, GO HOME THEN."

THIS IS WHEN YOU HEAR THE ALARM

FROM THE END OF EVERY SCIENCE

FICTION MOVIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

THIS IS WHEN YOU HEAR.

(SCI-FI ALARM SOUNDING)

"THREE MINUTES TO TOTAL

DESTRUCTION."

"WAS I LOOKING AT HER BREASTS?"

UH, NO?

(MANIACAL VOICE) "IT'S OKAY,

YOU CAN BE HONEST, YOU DON'T

HAVE TO LIE.

I WON'T BE MAD."

(SLURPING SOUND)"

(SCI-FI ALARM SOUNDING)

"TWO MINUTES TO TOTAL

DESTRUCTION."

SO I GO, "LOOK HONEY,

LET'S NOT START THIS, OKAY?

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME BECAUSE

THE WAITRESS HAS BIG BREASTS.

I DIDN'T ORDER THEM, THEY CAME

WITH THE MEAL."

(LAUGHTER)

(SCI-FI ALARM SOUNDING)

"ONE-AND-A-HALF MINUTES TO TOTAL

DESTRUCTION."

AND IT'S JUST GETTING WORSE.

(MANIACAL VOICE) "WHY DO YOU

HAVE TO LIE?

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A MAN?

TRY BEING A MAN."

"ATTENTION, THIS IS THE BRAIN.

ALL UNITS DO NOT BE A MAN.

DO NOT BE A MAN.

YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO

AN AMBUSH."

THAT'S WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE GETS

ON THE RADIO LIKE, "YEAH, WE'VE

HAD ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP WE'RE

GOING IN WITH EVERYTHING WE GOT.

JUST FOR THE RECORD IT'S OUR

CALL."

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?"

"THIS IS THE TESTICLES, OUT."

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU BLOW IT,

RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEN YOU START

GOING, "OKAY, YOU WANT THE

TRUTH?

I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

HERE'S THE TRUTH.

YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK RED WINE

WHEN YOU HAVE PMS BECAUSE YOU GO

A LITTLE NUTS, ALL RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I'M STILL A MAN.

I GOT MILLIONS OF YEARS

OF EVOLUTION IN ME.

YOU KNOW, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED

TO DO?

IT'S ALL I CAN DO TO KEEP FROM

BASHING HER WITH THE KETCHUP

BOTTLE AND MOUNTING HER

ON THE SALAD BAR."

(LAUGHTER)

(MANIACAL VOICE) "WHAT DID YOU

JUST SAY?"

"BEGIN FINAL DESTRUCTION

SEQUENCE 10, 9"--

"THIS IS THE TESTICLES,

SHE'S GONNA BLOW.

WE'RE PULLING BACK.

WE'RE PULLING BACK."

"8, 7"--

"WAIT, HONEY, DON'T LEAVE

I'M SORRY, I WAS REALLY WRONG.

I'M SCUM AND YOU'RE GOOD AND

I'M ALWAYS WRONG AND I'M SORRY

AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL."

"DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE PAUSED."

(LAUGHTER)

"AND I NEVER WANT TO BE WITH

ANYBODY BUT YOU THE REST OF

MY LIFE."

"DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE

TERMINATED."

"AH, THAT WAS CLOSE."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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