Trump Crashes the Declaration of Independence

07/01/2016 Views: 1,279

On July 4, 1776, Gilfred Trump gives a speech to his fellow delegates pushing for a better deal with the British. (3:26)

(patriotic instrumental music)

- By ratifying thisdeclaration, we hereby denounce

all allegiance tothe British crown.

- Here, here!

- Boo!

- Mr. Trump from NewYork, you wish to speak?

- Oh, shut it Jefferson.

You know I'm Trump now, alright.

Look delegates, you knowme, you know I'm rich,

and you know that I'mwonderfully dressed

and I'm extremelyknowledgeable at business,

and I gotta tell you, thisdeclaration deal, it's horrific.

It's one of the worstdeals I've ever seen.

It's a real joke job, alright?

It's messy, it's gotsignature all over it

and if I waspresident, I promise,

I would make thesecolonies great again, okay?

Okay, folks.

You know Jefferson, you knowAdams, and you know Franklin,

and frankly they're pussies.

They're all pathetic, theyare some of the worst.

The way that they bungledthat whole tea tax thing,

disgusting.

If I was there, I'dbe getting teabagged

by every freakin'red coat I saw.

- They imposed taxeswithout our consent.

That is why we arefighting this war, Trump!

- Excuse me, ugly Adams.

Don't you mean that's whywe're losing this war?

Because we are, you lost Quebec.

You lost BunkerHill, you're a loser.

Under a Trump Administration,I would be winning so much

you'd be sick of winning.

You'd feel likeyou had diphtheria.

It would be disgusting,

you'd be pooping andpeeing everywhere.

I can promise you that.

- You blusterous blow-heart.

What qualifies you to leadthe continental army?!

- I am gonna make atremendous deal on guns.

I'm friends with all the Blacks.

Smiths, they loveme, I love them.

We get along very well.

We have a secrethandshake, okay.

- Mr. Trump, withall due respect,

this congress isperfectly capable

of providing securityfor its citizens.

- Oh is it, fat Franklin?

I don't think it is'cause Mexico ownshalf of the continent

last time I checkedand if I was elected,

I'd build a wall around Mexico

and I'd have China pay for it.

'Cause China loves wallsand China loves me.

I've been to China,they love me more

than their Chinese spaghetti.

- That is racist sir,even in this time period.

- Do we really wantthe man who organized

the Miss Colonies Pageantto lead our new nation?!

- I do not!

- Oh yeah, speaking of which,

have you seen mynew wife Morenca?

Oof, she's a real smoke show.

She's got tittieslike I've never seen.

Unlike Jefferson'swife, she's a fat pig.

I heard she's so ugly thathe has sex with his slaves.

I don't know, is it true?

- Big words from a manwith such small hands!

- If my farm hands were small,

that means my plantation issmall and I could assure you,

I don't have any problemsin that department, okay?

- Gentlemen, I mustask, no more quarreling.

It is time that we made ameal of this declaration.

- Look, alright guys,let me get to the point.

I say instead of makingAmerica great again,

we make America,Great Britain again.

Alright, okay, okay.

Alright, look, okay.

Who threw that?

Who threw that,someone punch him.

I will pay yourmagistrate fees, alright?

Look, don't come runningto me in 240 years

when you need my family tosave your country, alright?

- I assure you, Mr. Trump,

the democracy will neverbe in that bad of shape.

(laughter)

- That's what fatFranklin's wife said.

Alright, Trump 76.

Vote Trump, Trump Palin.

(patriotic instrumental music)