You know, they saybehind every strong man
there's a strong woman.
Uh, well, behindevery (bleep) up,
there's a best friend saying,"Go for it, bro."
I, uh, I went
to go see my friend warm upa TV studio audience.
We've all seen somebody warm up
a TV studio audience--they do a lot of stuff like,
"Are you guys readyto laugh tonight?"
And you have to laugh and clapbecause you're terrified
about what's gonna happenif you don't.
My friend's like,"You ready to laugh tonight?"
I'm like... (whoops)
You know, not listening--he's like,
"Ready to have fun?"
I'm like, "Yeah, whatever."
And I thought the next thinghe was gonna say was,
"Well, let's start the show."
But what he said was,
"Look at this-- we got twolittle kids in the front row."
And me not listening,I just went...
So I looked like a pedophile
who thought it wascompletely cool
to be a pedophile in public.
I'm like,"Let's touch on these kids."
"This Dora needs exploring,"um...
Only the creepiest people clapfor that.
I'm trying to be less creepy.
I was thinking of getting ridof the beard,
but I've had the beard
for so long that at this point,
it makes the decisions for me--you know?
I'm like, "I'm just gonna takea little bit off the bottom."
It's like, "What the hellyou doing, boy?"
I'm like, "Listen, beard, you'vecost me a lot of job interviews.
You've cost me a lotof first dates."
"You think you're the only onewho sacrificed, goddamn it?
"I've made sacrifices for you.
"What keeps cheese steaks meatfrom falling
"on your dress shirts
"when you're too high to notice?
"What keeps criminalsfrom robbing you on the street
"at night because they thinkyou're already homeless?
have you ever noticed that
it is justunattractive couples that have
great "how we met" stories?
It's never attractive couples.
You ask an attractive couplehow they met and it's like,
"Well, uh, we were at a barand of course."
Uh, but you ask an unattractive
couple how they metand it's like,
"Well, I-I was waiting on a lineat the EPCOT Center
"and she asked to borrow oneof my cheese fries
"I keep in my fanny packat all times, and
"I gave her one and here we areback at the EPCOT Center.
"She's the apple of my eye!"
Because the other eyeis missing.