it's like there's a murdergoing on!
The doors are locked,
the shades are drawn,
everything's wrapped in plastic.
I'm not for everybody.
(applause and cheering)
I am now going to teach you everything I have learned
after ten yearsof stand-up comedy.
If you are on unemployment,
and you want to stayon unemployment,
all you have to do, at any pointduring the job interview,
is respond in this fashion.
If they say,"Why should we hire you?"
You look them right in the eyesand you say,
"I'm J.J. Fad,and I'm here to rock."
That is another six weeksof unemployment...
I have gotten so good at it,
I don't even wait for theinterview to start anymore.
I walk in, I shake hands,
and I say,"Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Humpty."
Then they look at my resume,they're like,
"We see you once got busyin a Burger King bathroom."
"Tell us about that, Humpty."
This is the highlightof my month!
My girlfriend broke up with me.
You ever break up with somebodyand get that phone call
where they try to weaseltheir way back in your life.
Like a month later,and they're drunk,
they call up, and they're like,"I want my stuff."
"I want my stuff!"
I was like, "You don't haveany stuff here."
She said, "You have my broom,
"you have my dustpan,
and you have my wine glasses."
And I said, "How aboutI send you a check for $25
and we never talk again."
And she said, "No.
That stuffhas sentimental value."
I said, "Fine,it'll be outside the house.
Don't ring my bell."
And I was angry!
So I put it out with the trash.
And then she showed up,and she kept ringing the bell.
Bing, bing, bing, bing,bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
And I was watching herthrough that little peephole.
And I was like, "Yes!"
And I said,"Listen, if you leave now,
I won't have to callthe police."
And she went nuts.
She scooped up the glasses,and she started breaking them
one by one off my door.
(imitates glass shattering)
And I was like, "Yes!
God has given me the right thingto say."
And I was watching her, I said,
"Good! Now take your broomand your dustpan
and clean this (bleep) up."
(laughter and cheering)
The only positive thingto happen...
in New York City,
after September 11th is,on September 12th,
every tourist that moved herefrom Maine
and Wyoming and Minnesota,
got up on September 12th
and stood in front ofa video camera and said,
"It's not safe."
It's New York City.
It's not supposed to be safe.
Get the (bleep) out!
Real New Yorkers got upon September 12th
and said, "Hey!
Is there alternate sideof the street parking today?"